Saturday, February 4, 2012

Who to push?

I am trying not to put too many details of our situation on here to protect our son's privacy. But there is one thing I would like feedback on. We have a named birthfather. He is not denying that he is the father. He is, shall we say, difficult. According to our lawyer, the adoption decree won't affect parental rights of anyone other than the three we get consents from (there is also a legal father who everyone acknowledges is not the biological father). So, should anyone turn up at a later date, that could cause some problems. It's not that we don't trust the birthmother is telling the truth, but we obviously don't want something nagging us down the road.

Our lawyer has advised that we either confirm paternity through a DNA test, which requires the birthfather's cooperation, or go the public reporting route. This would be similar to what happens in the case of unknown birthfathers where you post notices in local newspapers saying "hey, if you had sex with this woman around this time in this area, there is an adoption happening." Or something like that. I don't know the actual wording of these notices, but it does involve publicizing the name of the birthmother in her local papers.

I don't want to cause the birthmother any more pain than she is already going through and so adding this embarrassment for her is not something I want to do. On the other hand, it's not clear at all that the birthfather would go along with a paternity test. He is difficult enough without making him question whether he is actually the father. And that in itself can cause problems for the birthmother if he starts questioning her. What would you do?


  1. Such a tough call... but I will admit part of the reason we've been dragging our heels over my husband adopting my first son is because of the public reporting portion of it. We have no last known address for my XH, so it would need to be published and we're not sure we want to draw that type of attention to the matter. Good luck with your decision.

  2. That is a tough decision.

    Every time I read about the public reporting, I always wondered who actually reads that section of the newspaper? Maybe I just never have and other people do, but it 1. Seems like a formality that may not effectively notify a BF (although how can you if you don't know where he is?) and 2.Might not be that embarrassing for the BM because nobody reads it anyway?

    Honestly I don't really know and I am sure there is much more behind it. If the BM is very embarrassed by the idea of the announcement in the paper (and what ever else is involved in that option) that is obviously a very important consideration.

    Keep us posted and good luck with the decision!

  3. Ugh... what a situation.

    My honest, uneducated gut-reaction is to say that it's your family that you will be protecting for the future, so do what you have to do. But something tells me that's not quite right.

    Is there any way that you can consult with the BM about which option would be easier for her to handle? It really is a no-win situation for her, no matter which way you go. Perhaps she would rather have a small notice in an obscure part of a newspaper published than have to deal with the BF? Just being able to avoid direct contact with the BF may be a selling point for her.

    Just my thoughts...


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...