Happy and sad

One of the things that makes infertility so hard is that there are so many complicated feelings. I have friends and family who are announcing their pregnancies, sharing ultrasound pictures, and giving birth. I am happy for them. Truly. I care about them and want to share in their joy.

But then there's the jealousy. Why can't that be me? When will we have a chance to make a big announcement? The realization that this process will take us much longer brings on a wave of sadness. And a good dose of guilt for feeling jealous.

Achieving a goal

I have always believed that if you want something you work for it. Hard work, good research, and perseverance can achieve anything. This belief got me all sorts of kudos-fancy degrees, fellowships, and awards. This is what I know and how I live.

But now I find myself wanting something that doesn't seem to fit into this nice account of how the world works. A baby. It seems so simple. The goal is clear. But I can't figure out how to get from here to there. If only I could get a degree in baby-making; I'm good at that. I feel like there is so much out of my control. So much I can't fix by working harder or smarter or longer.

This why I am starting this blog. To help me figure out how to deal with the long and difficult journey ahead of us on our way to parenthood. To get used to working through things I don't want but can't change or ignore.