tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71901446531626366852024-03-05T04:23:54.808-06:00My Scarlet babyMissyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.comBlogger453125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-46197990231402395642013-09-03T20:37:00.000-05:002013-09-03T20:37:06.210-05:00Moving to a new blogDear friends,<br />
I'm sure my absence has made you wonder about the future of this blog. The short story is that I decided to move to a new space. More details can be found on my new blog: <a href="http://asteriskmama.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Mama Asterisk.</a> <br />
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I hope you join me over there!Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-6612855097223081392013-05-28T20:51:00.000-05:002013-05-28T20:51:02.129-05:00Outward AppearancesDo you ever think about how you look to the general public? Now, I'm not talking about whether your hair is perfect or your rear looks big in those jeans. But when strangers see you out and about, what do you make them think about? There is, of course, way more to all of us than what is apparent on the outside--and many times our real personality may not even conform to whatever stereotype our appearance evokes. But I do find myself wondering what stories pop into strangers' heads when they see me and Seven around town.<br />
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My curiosity about how strangers view us could just be my own neuroses. Seven certainty does seem to mind how others sees us-he looks at me and sees only his mommy. All those people stopping us to comment on how cute he is or ask how old he is are only suspicious characters trying to distract me from his full attention. Yet often I wonder they added attention we get from the random passerby has to do how we came to each other and how our skin colors mark us as different and - to a stranger at least - not belonging to each other. I used to always assume that the average stranger sees us together and thinks about adoption, wondering if he was born in the US or another country. Perhaps that's because its a question I ask when I see a parent-child pair of different races. Just today there was a White mama dropping off an Asian daughter at Seven's daycare and my thoughts turned to adoption even though I had no clue about their real situation.<br />
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Until recently when I was talking with a colleague who worked in another state. We work for different organizations that collaborate closely, holding monthly in person meetings. At one of the first meetings, I showed off lots of pictures of Seven to everyone there. Of course being the usual proud mama who wants to brag on her kids. At the most recent meeting she mentioned she's read a lot on racial identity development. It was more of passing comment made in a group setting but it sparked my interest. I am curious to watch how Seven develops his racial identity. How he resolves the fact that he is African American and Hispanic with White parents is a whole other topic for an entire blog--yet alone just this one post. But I did read something that says by their second birthdays, toddlers in transracial families will have picked up on the difference in color and--if not quite its importance, the sense that skin color difference is not quite the same as having a different hair color. So later on when we were on our way to dinner, I asked her to recommend books I could read on racial identity development. As we got to talking, I told her about our situation. She was surprised and said that when she saw the pictures of my son, she assumed my husband was African American and that he was our biological son. It never occurred to her to think about adoption.<br />
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This was quite a new thought to me--the idea that we could "pass" as biologically related to each other when my husband is not with us. Don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed of the adoption and don't want Seven to feel that we need to "pass". But sometimes you just don't want to stick out or worry that if he has a meltdown someone will take it as commentary on all adoptive families and not what it is--a toddler being a toddler.<br />
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And then a story like <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/21/virginia-parents-walmart-biracial-daughters_n_3313143.html" target="_blank">this </a>comes out where a father is questioned by the police because he has a different skin color than his daughters and "they just don't fit together." And it's back to square one all over again. It is so disheartening to read that we haven't come as far as I hoped in recognizing the diversity in all our families.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-78829586276898474242013-04-18T20:36:00.001-05:002013-04-18T20:36:00.940-05:00Where's my baby?Now that Seven is over a year old, I understand why so many siblings are two or so years apart. I get a lot of reminders these days that Seven is no longer a baby! It seems the frequency with which I hear that phrase "he's growing up" is increasing. First it was his doctor telling us to transition him off the bottle. Then it was his daycare teacher, who thinks he needs to move up to the toddler classroom. Even Seven is telling us how it is, with his nap schedule changing to have one mid-day nap rather than a morning and afternoon nap. Not to mention all the new words he is learning and how much we can tell he understands.<br />
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Now don't get me wrong, Seven is still super cuddly and loves to snuggle like a baby. But he is ready to move on to the next stage of toddlerhood. And I still want my baby!Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-30317970809925817662013-04-13T14:33:00.002-05:002013-04-13T14:33:16.874-05:00Adoption costsWe are finally getting around to doing our taxes this year. It was very frustrating that we only received our final two documents about some investments this week since they were do, oh, two months ago! But even more frustrating since I've been very motivated to get our taxes done this year so we can get the adoption tax credit. But they are finally done and hopefully it won't take too long to get the refund. I know the adoption credit will slow it down, but we can always hope, right?<br />
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Back when I had blogged about our total costs related to trying to get pregnant, we were moving towards adoption and I had planned to also blog about our final costs related to the adoption. But now that everything is done, I am hesitant to do so. Logically, paying a doctor huge fees to get pregnant is just as much "buying a baby" as paying a lawyer or social worker to process an adoption. Yet emotionally it feels different and that makes me want to keep it private. I could blame it on Seven and say we want to keep it private for his sake. But that just begs the question. Why should it be more private to know that your parents paid a doctor something like $20,000 to get pregnant than to pay other types of professionals to bring you home? And we didn't even have much in terms of birthmother expenses or vague agency match fees, which are the grayest areas of all to me in terms of the costs related to adoption. The overwhelming majority of it was the homestudy and post placement, court costs, attorney fees, birthmother counseling, and travel to North Carolina. We didn't spend in areas where we didn't feel comfortable spending and the amount was within the target we started with. Still, putting all the details out there doesn't seem quite right. Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-48550705815378855632013-04-08T20:41:00.002-05:002013-04-08T20:41:50.764-05:00Hello Everybodyyy!!Hello Everybodyyy!!!<br />
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Imagine me saying that in my best Grover voice (which, admittedly, is not very good). Seven has a toy Grover remote that says that when you turn it on. I have a friend who is a big Grover fan so I always think it is funny.<br />
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I know I have been neglecting this space. With the increase in spam comments I've been getting, I figure it is either time to return or close down. But I have gotten a lot out of this space and the community I found here that I don't want to give it up. So let's take one more shot.<br />
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Work continues to be very busy. My travel has slowed down to just two trips a month, but there are a lot of deadlines. I find myself working most nights after Seven goes to sleep, which doesn't give me a very good life balance. We did have an absolutely fabulous weekend these past few days. We had beautiful weather and I enjoyed it with my beautiful family outside. The weekend started with a leisurely breakfast outside in our backyard, followed by a picnic at the botanical gardens, and dinner on the patio of a new restaurant. We visited E's parents on Sunday, and then broke in our new grill in our backyard. Spring has been slow to come here, so it was especially nice to enjoy the outdoors.<br />
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Seven is 13 months old now and, despite his small size, seems so grown up. He is very mobile and babbling so much. He even speaks several words. And he is amazing with his sign language. He mostly knows signs related to food, but it is so cute.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-46770680324847334212013-03-10T21:28:00.000-05:002013-03-10T21:28:02.238-05:00One yearLast week, Seven turned one! What a fabulous first year he had. I'm sorry I haven't been blogging, but I've been busy at work and don't feel much up to writing once I get home!<br />
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We had a truly amazing party for him in our backyard today. Lovely
company, lovely food, and lovely weather. Unfortunately, my camera was
not so lovely and my SD card died in the middle of it. I did get some
good pictures of his cake, but my pinterest-worthy cookies are lost.
Ugh. Anyway, here is one of the pictures I could get of my precious one
year old. He didn't really want to touch the cupcake, but we all had fun. <br />
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<br />Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-9191662249636718252013-02-03T20:33:00.000-06:002013-02-03T20:33:02.525-06:00Walking!We had a big few days over here. We woke up to snow on Friday and Seven had his first experience with snow! It wasn't much, didn't even cover the grass all the way. But I had fun taking him outside. He was a little apprehensive about it and probably way too cold.<br />
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Friday evening was a big milestone - he took his first step! We were so excited. Last weekend I saw him reach the end of a piece of furniture and it seemed he was really thinking about branching out away from the furniture. But he didn't. So in the past week, I've been standing him in the middle of the room and trying to get him to step towards me. Well Friday evening E set him down by the couch but facing out toward me. I encouraged him to come to me and he took two steps by himself! We were so excited that I think we scared him a little. But he did it again a few minutes later.<br />
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By Saturday evening he was taking up to 6 steps by himself. He still prefers to crawl since he is much faster that way, but he keeps trying. Of course with his increased mobility also comes more exploration in the kitchen. We've left a few cabinets open for him and he gets into them all the time now! He is so adorable. We did manage to get one good video of his walking and when he was napping, I just watched it over and over again.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-23495196356173897952013-01-28T21:41:00.001-06:002013-01-28T21:41:06.849-06:00TeethI wanted to share what I consider a parenting win. Teaching a baby how to brush his teeth is not something that is talked about a lot. I've read lots of advice that says to start brushing his teeth once he has a couple, but no advice on how to actually get that done. Well, now he has 8 teeth and throws a fit whenever I try to put anything near his mouth, food or otherwise. But somehow despite not eating much beside Cheerios, his breath started to stink. So I had to really had to figure out how to get him to brush his teeth.<br />
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My solution was to brush our teeth together. I made a big deal of each of us getting a toothbrush and our own toothpaste (his with no flouride). And he held his toothbrush while I brushed my teeth next to him. In the evening, E joins us as well for a family teeth brushing time. The first several days, Seven just watched us, clutching his toothbrush but being clear not to let it near his mouth. Slowly he started putting it in his mouth for a few seconds. He began to feel more comfortable with the toothbrush day after day. Now he happily chews on it while I brush my teeth and lets me brush his teeth after I am done.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-70371259379696271282013-01-18T09:28:00.000-06:002013-01-18T09:28:09.923-06:00RandomnessI find myself once again in the position of apologizing for my lack of blogging. But I guess this is a normal part of new motherhood blogging as time seems to zip by and some things don't get done. An additional hurdle that I create for myself is that I tend to want to wait for some big important thing to post about, when my life seems pretty mundane these days. I mean, Seven is changing all the time and is so adorable. His life seems filled with big events and milestones. But yet anyone who's had a 10 month old has been through all of this, right?<br />
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Anyway, here are some random tidbits of our lives these days.<br />
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1. I am traveling for work right now and it is so hard to be away from Seven. We've been using F.acet.ime to talk but I can't tell if it makes him feel better or not. Last night I was thinking it might be making things worse because he heard me and it reminded him that I am not near him. I take a red-eye home tonight so I can be there when he wakes up and can't wait to hug him again!<br />
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2. As E and I were decompressing after taking down all our holiday decorations and thinking about what the next few months would look like, it hit us that Seven is 10 months old! Which means that in another month we need to start planning a first birthday party! How did that happen?!<br />
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3. Despite Seven turning one soon, we still don't have a birth certificate for him. Apparently, the department of social services in his birth state is about 6 months behind in processing adoptions and amending birth certificates. We likely won't get his birth certificate until May. And that means we can't get a SSN or passport until even later. We really wanted to take a trip this year that would require a passport, so now we have to rethink our vacation plans. Sigh.<br />
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4. There is a point of tension right now in terms of our taxes. You see, we plan on claiming the adoption tax credit this year and given how long the process is, I want to file our taxes immediately. But, E has this one investment that is late every year in getting us our tax document. And by late, I mean really late. One year they didn't send it until early April, giving us only a few days to complete our taxes. This investment doesn't have much impact on our taxes (it might change our tax liability by $2). But if the IRS is going to take a very special look at our taxes, I don't want to file in early February only to amend in April when we finally get this last document. Anyway, I'm ready to tell this investment group that if we don't get it by January 31 that we are making a call to the IRS that they are not fulfilling their requirements. I mean, this is a repeated problem that they are late in getting us the required information. They've not responded to polite requests for the information in a timely manner so I think we need to put pressure on them. But for some various reasons, E doesn't want to do that. Ugh.<br />
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5. How do you buy a new car when you have a baby? I mean, do we schlep a carseat around with us as we test drive new cards? A Camry hybrid is at the top of our list, so any feedback on that car or similar cars we might want to consider would be appreciated. This will replace my car (currently a Corolla). We want something a little bigger so that we can fit Seven's convertible carseat in a place other than behind the passenger seat with it pushed all the way up. But I don't want to actually drive a big car. We had a Camry a few months ago as a rental car and it seemed to be the right size to allow me to drive with a carseat behind me, but E has longer legs.<br />
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6. Our new car will also need to fit two carseats since we are already thinking about #2. Once Seven's first birthday is past us, we will start putting together a new profile to get activated again with our agency.<br />
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7. In my family, there is a long history of giving cars to my sister. Whenever my mom or my grandma were getting new cars, they would give their former car to my sister. And my mom was always maneuvering to find a car for my sister. She is so rough with her cars and thus is always in need of a new car. I mean, I've had the same car for 10 years while she's had about 4 cars in that time. And my car still has a usable life on it, we just want something bigger. About 5 years ago, I'm not sure why, buy my mom brought up that I should give my car to my niece when she turns 16 (she was only 10 at the time). I was like, "are you insane? Everyone else in the family gives my sister their car, but that doesn't mean I have to! If my sister wants to get her daughter a car, she can go buy her own car for her. My sister has no special claim to my car when I am done with it just because everyone else is always giving her cars." So...guess what we are now planning on doing with my car? Yep, sell it to my sister for my niece. It will work out nicely since she agreed to pay the blue book value, she knows I've taken pretty good care of the car despite it being 10 years old, and my niece will be 16 in just a few months. It's just funny that yet again someone in our family is providing a car for my sister.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-59484624053399814602013-01-03T09:02:00.000-06:002013-01-03T09:02:08.688-06:00A New YearHappy New Year!<br />
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OK, I am only two days late, but if I say my New Year's resolution is to be more present with Seven, does that give me an excuse for my repeated blogging delays? Actually, I don't really make resolutions because I never keep them. Although this year there is one thing I hope to strive for. Not to lose weight or eat healthier (although that would be great, too). But to try to be the model of love, grace, and composure that is my grandmother. I don't want to get into the details of why my aunt and uncle are divorcing, but when people say that divorce ruins a whole family, that is really true. Everyone in my family feels like we are grieving our aunt, sister, or (for my grandmother) daughter. Plus my cousin as she was actually my uncle's stepdaughter. I always knew my grandmother was a model of love as she shared it with everyone. She was very close to my aunt, who never had much of a motherly figure in her own life until my grandmother came along. To see my grandmother respond to this divorce, as well as my uncle's very bad behavior through it all, it is making me realize how truly special she is.<br />
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As for us, we are back home and back to normal. While Seven had settled in to our temporary home in California, it was clear that he was happy to be back home. He went right to work playing with all the toys he had at home. It seemed the new toys he received for Christmas were of no interest until he re-familiarized himself with everything at home again. And he slept for 10 hours straight, clearly feeling more comfortable in his own crib.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-73753758262956393392012-12-24T09:20:00.001-06:002012-12-24T09:20:30.334-06:00Very Merry ChristmasI have had trouble writing this post because I feel I should say something more profound for our first Christmas with Seven other than how ridiculously happy we are. But we are. This Christmas has been one happy moment after another. We did have to cancel our Christmas celebration with E's parents due to the three of us being sick. We won't be able to reschedule it until after the New Year. So that was sad. But Seven is healthy now and E and I are mostly better. And it will be a very merry Christmas for us. <br /><br />There have been some sad moments. My aunt and uncle are getting a divorce, so we are missing my aunt and cousin from the festivities. And I feel bad for some friends of ours who are sadly joining the ranks of IFers. But then I see Seven getting love from relatives we don't see often or watch him participate in a holiday tradition for the first time and my heart just fills with joy. <br />Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-61073313512344589612012-12-14T06:04:00.003-06:002012-12-15T05:29:16.607-06:00Doing it all?As I write this, it is 9:07 on Thursday morning. I was catching up on my blogs while feverishly trying to finish my son's Christmas stocking. I read the <a href="http://pailbloggers.com/2012/12/13/december-2012-monthly-theme-post-balancing-life-work-and-parenthood/" target="_blank">PAIL monthly theme</a> and decided I had to respond because doing it all with a growing baby is what I struggle with all the time.<br />
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So let's take stock of what is on my plate right now. I am still at home this morning because Seven has trouble sleeping at daycare. He woke up a bit early this morning (and twice during the night-I think he teething because he is not sleeping well and is a drooling machine) and so was ready for his morning nap very early. This has happened the past two days as well-he desperately wanted a nap even though I needed to leave for work. Unfortunately, the past two days I had meetings where others were expecting me and so, with a heavy heart, I ignored his requests for sleep and packed him off for daycare anyway. I have no meetings today and, with the fortunate situation where no one checks when I come in, I decided to let him sleep.<br />
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I am crocheting him a stocking because, well, my husband insisted. Despite my love of crafts, I was planning on buying him a stocking. But E said I had to make one. And of course I had to make him a Rudolph hat. And bake cookies with him (or rather, with him crawling around my feet). And buy presents and decorate the house and mail cards and all the other Christmas related activities. So here I am, December 13th, and still only about a third of the way done with his stocking. We are celebrating with one set of grandparents this weekend, so I anticipate a late night coming up to finish it before then. And let's not mention the giant stuffed Santa I started in June that is not going to get completed and the cute Christmas jumper I bought at a consignment sale but need to move the buttons down so it will fit.<br />
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If I didn't have to take off tomorrow for Seven's 9 month doctor's appointment, I might consider staying home all day. But two days out of the office (actually three since my meetings yesterday were all off campus) is a bit much for one week. Although I could really complete the work I need to do anywhere. You see, I am a college instructor and, this being finals season, my main deadline is grading 29 papers that showed up in my in-box this morning. So, yeah, another late night for me there. At least my trip across the country for next week was cancelled. Well, not cancelled, but postponed to January when I will have two other work trips. Ugh.<br />
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Doing it all. Is that what I'm doing? Sometimes it feels like I am half-doing it all. Not doing half of everything, but doing everything but only half way. I try to give Seven my undivided attention when I am at home and he is awake, but there are often issues that are occupying the back of my mind while reading Brown Bear, Brown Bear. <br />
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Of course, I really shouldn't be complaining. I realize how extremely fortunate I am to have a bunch of supports which allow me this sense of doing it all. I have a professional job with a lot of flexibility. Every time we fail to make it out the door at my target time, I wonder how people in other types of jobs manage this. I hit the jackpot and have Seven in an employer subsidized daycare facility that is a two minute walk from my office. I can visit him every day during lunch. We can afford to hire someone to clean our house, taking a few chores off our backs.<br />
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But still, it's an on-going task to manage it all. I'm only 9 months in and don't have it figured out. There are things that don't get done or don't get done to my standards. Here is the little secret I've figured out about achieving the right balance - it's impossible. There is no ideal balance that we can maintain and no surefire trick that is going to help us find it. Instead, balance is an ongoing task. We do a little bit in one area on one day and then compensate in another area the next day. There is no end-state of perfect balance, but a constant process of self-correction when we are leaning too much in any direction. There are a few "tricks" I've picked up, such as outsourcing my least favorite activity of cleaning the bathrooms, planning the meals and major events for the week each weekend, and making sure my husband does his share of the work (which he does-another way I am fortunate) but these are, at best, marginal improvements. Sure, I've learned to love the crockpot, but when I see all my friends on Pinterest highlighting time-saving and family organizational tips, I know that if there was a silver bullet, surely we would all know it by now.<br />
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Unfortunately, that response always leaves one feeling a little deflated. But I think we have to be honest about what is held up as the ideal and what is realistic. That, to me, is the secret to managing the stress that comes with a young child. Being realistic about whether what we are striving for is realistic outside of movies or extreme cases. There are some true cases where someone seems to do it all, but we have to be realistic about whether that is an outlier. For example, Einstein is a real person who was a great scientist. But that doesn't mean that every physicist who doesn't invent something akin to the theory of relativity is a failure. It just means that Einstein was a unique case.<br />
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I have constant worries about whether I am doing what is right for
Seven. I know I would not be a good SAHM, but am I still managing to
give him everything he needs? And I focus mostly on his emotional and
developmental needs, because certainly he has all his physical needs
taken care of. But is he appropriately attached to me? (to be honest-I
partly care about that for selfish reasons yet I am also aware that
attachment is critical to emotional and social development). Would he be a better
eater if I wasn't trying to juggle all these things and could make sure
we were home during meal time? Am I reading to him enough? Do I provide
enough stimulation for his learning?<br />
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These questions have no real answer and I think we have to stop asking ourselves "enough" questions. There is always more that could be done and so "enough" is never really achieved. I don't know how to stop asking myself these questions, though. What is needed is a shift in mindset, not a specific strategy of stress or time management.<br />
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Still, if it's a strategy that you want, I have two I can provide. With the caveat of course that these are not silver bullets. First, my main stress-reducing (or rather, guilt-reducing) strategy is to tell the daycare not to tell me when Seven hits a big milestone. I want to know what he does during the day and that he is attempting to wave bye-bye, but please don't tell me when he actually does. This eliminates a lot of my guilt and stress of missing his "firsts" because I get to experience all his major milestones. Now maybe he stood by himself at daycare last week, but the other day when he did it for me at home, it was so much fun to celebrate with him.<br />
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My second stress-reducing strategy is to be clear with yourself and with your spouse about the trade-offs you are making. I had a lot of guilt when I first returned to work, even though I knew I would not be a good SAHM. I still made sure I looked hard at our finances to see what the right decision would be. Both my husband and I make more than enough to each cover the cost of daycare. But if you are both working, do the math and see how much more your after-tax income is compared to the cost of daycare. There is no single threshold for determining whether it makes to stay at home or not as it varies by many factors, your own preferences being one of them. But actually calculating that number helped me prioritize and own the choices we are making. For example, once we knew what the difference was, we had a conversation about what we were doing with that money. Was it just to have a bigger house or fancier clothes? Those things are nice, but not that important. One thing we decided to do was invest in Seven's college fund. He may only be 9 months old and college is a ways away, but part of the trade-off we are making is that he will spend time away from us now so he can have a great start in his adult life and not have to worry about how to pay for college. You might make different decisions, but the key to be conscious of the decisions you are making and own them. Because when you own your choices, they cause much less stress.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-57782820875104395112012-12-08T05:58:00.001-06:002012-12-08T05:58:50.835-06:00TeethSo I had planned to update my blog more often, but then my Internet decided to go down for three days. It is still not fixed, but this gives me the perfect chance to try out blogging from my phone, right? ( and of course as I was typing that, I hit some microphone option by mistake, I hope there is not some random recording on this!)<br /><br />Back to what I wanted to discuss today. Teeth. Boy does this boy have them. He is only 9 months old and the fifth tooth is already breaking through. This is one kid who does not need to ask for his two front teeth for Christmas. <br /><br />The funny thing is that despite all these teeth, he won't eat a thing. I've read that babies may refuse food temporarily when teething. But he is moving from one tooth to another that he is pretty much always teething. I'm dreading the one year molars, which I'm convinced will be here early like all the others!<br /><br /><br />- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone<br />Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-41825184092211042822012-12-04T01:55:00.003-06:002012-12-04T01:55:45.600-06:00Rooting for the evil witchOne thing about being a parent through adoption is that I am overly sensitive to the portrayal of adoption in the media-both news media and various forms of fiction. I think that's one reason why Ann Patchett is one of my favorite authors. Starting with her debut novel about a home where pregnant young women were sent away to give birth in the 1950s, much of her work has incorporated themes surrounding adoption. (Of course, I first became interested in her work before our IF journey started, so maybe that doesn't explain my interest in her work.) Her work is too complex to label it as either "pro" or "anti" adoption, but she often returns to themes about how strangers come together to form families due to unique circumstances.<br />
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But many of the adoption-related themes in the media reinforce the idea that biology trumps all in forming "real" families. And this is one theme that has held me back from completely embracing the otherwise great show of Once Upon a Time. In case you haven't been watching this show, all the standard fairy tale characters have a second identity in the real world. In the first season, the real-life version of the characters had no recollection of their fairy tale characters even as some traits persisted. There are a few key new characters and twists in the new lives of classic characters. First, Snow White and Prince Charming have a daughter, who is now grown and apparently destined to lift the curse that created their second identity. This daughter, Emma, had a son (Henry) that she placed for adoption when he was a baby. And guess who adopted him? The wicked witch/queen (as in the one who gave Snow White the cursed apple). <br />
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While I didn't relish the idea of the adoptive mother as the evil witch, I thought the adoption theme was well done in the first season. There was tension as
Emma started to develop a relationship with Henry, but you also got the sense that maybe things would have been much smoother if they weren't also battling for the lives of all the fairy tale characters in the town. And while Emma was attached to Henry, she was also visibly uncomfortable when he kept calling her his mother. But the second season has gone much further down the road of implying that Henry doesn't belong in his adoptive family at all. To the extent that I started rooting for the evil queen! Has Henry's life been so horrible that he has no soft spot for the woman who raised him?<br />
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The last episode was supposed to have a happy ending. Snow White and Prince Charming and Emma and Henry were finally reunited to be one big happy family. But I found myself reeling along with the evil queen and wishing the story had a different ending. She finally did the right thing and was rewarded by being pushed aside and reminded that she can't possibly be Henry's mother. The worst moment was when someone actually commented on how she reunited mother and son even as she saw her son run into another woman's arms. Please-let the evil queen have a happy ending too!Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-70142692246114057722012-11-19T21:51:00.000-06:002012-11-19T22:06:11.590-06:00My Favorite TraditionsI love traditions. Traditions unite us with the past, serving as reminders that we are part of something bigger than ourselves. So this is my favorite time of year, when daily life is filled with so many traditions. This year, I am especially looking forward to sharing our family traditions with Seven and starting new ones that we can cherish together.<br />
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In my family, Christmas actually starts a day or two before Christmas Eve. That is when my grandmother hosts her annual cookie day for all the grandchildren. She started this with my sister and I when I was just a baby. We start with rolling out the dough and cutting the shapes at the counter while my grandmother oversees the oven. After a pizza lunch, we move to the table and break out the frosting and sprinkles to decorate the cookies. With the work done, we used to start snooping under the tree to identify our presents. Now that we are older, the suspense of wrapped presents is easier to endure but we still love re-enacting the snooping. The day ends with my grandmother giving each of us an ornament.<br />
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Cookie Day has grown over the years from just me, my sister, and grandmother to include my younger cousins and, eventually, our children. Since E and I got married, we rotate where we spend Christmas and thus I only go to every other Cookie Day. Two years ago, fresh off a failed cycle, I couldn't make it through the day without breaking down. I was at one of my lowest points in this infertility journey. I only saw the darkness and loneliness of infertility. I could not see an end to the journey.<br />
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This year, I will get to introduce my son to my favorite tradition. But now I realize that being a mother is not an end, but a whole new beginning. I want to start our own traditions with my husband and son that are special just for us. I want to find ways to incorporate my son's culture to our holiday traditions. I am very excited for the next month or so and know that even if things don't go perfectly, there is always a way to adapt traditions to the unexpected.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-85791651518555412082012-11-14T20:08:00.001-06:002012-11-14T20:08:32.854-06:00Well, that was differentSorry I've been silent for so long. I don't really have a good excuse so I won't make one up! I have still been reading but am waiting for some inspiration to strike to post.<br />
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Seven is so adorable right now. He is crawling around everywhere and pulling himself up. It is amazing how mobile he has gotten in just the last week. He's been doing the army crawl for a while and could move short distances, but now he is following us down hallways. His increased mobility also means he is discovering all sorts of interesting things around our house. The most recent example is that he got into the little rocks that are in the fireplace.<br />
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Something did happen in the last few days that shook us pretty well. We've been continuing to exchange emails with M and sharing pictures of Seven. Her responses are usually brief and don't say much about her. Mostly just how much she loves Seven and how cute he is. And then one day she sent a long update about how she is doing in school, how her kids are doing, etc.<br />
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At the end, she dropped something big that we don't know how to deal with. It is not bad news per se, but it just changes so much of what we thought we knew. And it was one of those things that made us want to envelope Seven with hugs at the thought of having to explain this to him one day. We are still processing it and figuring out how to respond. Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-59331089888485123452012-10-23T19:56:00.000-05:002012-10-23T19:56:07.037-05:00FinalizedWell, that was anti-climatic. I've been bugging our lawyer regularly to figure out why the court is basically not doing anything. You may remember that the court never gave the order to terminate the birthfather's rights even though the 30 day waiting period expired, oh, in June. I've been getting really anxious, first that the court might do something funny. And then that we might not finalize in 2012 and lose the tax credit.<br />
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So today I made my regular call to the lawyer for an update. These calls have gotten tense as he never has an update and thinks that contacting the court once a week is too pushy. So when he called me back this morning and said he had good news, I was expecting him to say that the birthfather's rights were finally terminated. But he went one better. Our final decree is on its way!<br />
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It was surprising but also exciting. After calling E with the good news, I went to go give Seven some love (his daycare is a one minute walk from my office). He was taking a nap, so I came back later and he was in such a cuddling mood. He is so happy and loving. We went out for a family dinner and, more importantly, a celebratory ice cream. Today was a good day!Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-70964464293431235662012-10-20T20:52:00.000-05:002012-10-20T20:52:10.415-05:00Sweet potatoesWe get tons of sweet potatoes from our CSA. Here's what I do with them.<br />
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1. Wash them well. <br />
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2. Poke them with a fork and roll in foil.<br />
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3. Bake at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes or until soft.<br />
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4. Let it partially cool, scrape out inside.<br />
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5. Mash in food processor. Add enough water to get desired consistency.<br />
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6. Freeze.<br />
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7. Enjoy!<br />
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<br />Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-19876439174904918122012-10-18T21:06:00.002-05:002012-10-18T21:06:44.062-05:00Doctors and DaycareOK, sorry for falling off the earth. I have no real excuse. Except, you know, the whole 7 month old thing. He is doing very well, not quite crawling yet. He is currently on an eating strike, but in general he is doing well with new foods.<br />
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My long-time readers may recall my bad relationship with my doctor. If not, you can familiarize yourself <a href="http://myscarletbaby.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-doctor.html">here</a>. Maybe bad relationship is too strong, but we didn't get off to a great start and it's always a pain to get an appointment.<br />
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But apparently I have a new avenue to actually see her. I can just go to Seven's daycare. You see, we had a party at his daycare this evening where all the parents came. I know all the other kids pretty well. And I know some parents who happen to have similar schedules as me and we see each other during the drop off or pick up. But for one little boy, his father is the primary dropper-offer and so I had never met his mother. But guess who showed up at the party tonight! And then I had to introduce her to E, who gets all my rants about doctor visits.<br />
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It was a fun party, though. And I spent a good portion of time talking about adoption without feeling odd. First, one mother commented on Seven's hair (OK, they all did) and asked if the old wives tale about babies with lots of hair and reflux was true. I had never heard that before and responded that he didn't have bad reflux. And then she said that the old wives tale is about me having reflux while pregnant. So I had to explain, but it seemed natural. Another baby in the class is adopted and so we shared stories. And my doctor wanted to know how the induced lactation went and other parents wanted to hear about that.<br />
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I am at this odd place now where it is starting to feel natural to talk about Seven being adopted at relevant times (as when someone assumes I was pregnant like this party) but then afterwards spend a large amount of time going over the conversation in my head. Don't get me wrong, I don't bring up the adoption all the time, but there are times when it seems appropriate and odd to let someone assume I was pregnant. But it seems weird that it seems so natural at the moment, but then I spend so much time thinking about it. I don't know, I guess this is all just new to get used to.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-25925555255298599432012-09-13T21:02:00.001-05:002012-09-13T21:02:24.859-05:00Adventures in HairI think it is about that time for the typical transracial adoption post on hair. Let me tell you, this boy has got a lot of hair. He was born with a full head of hair and it's been growing ever since! Here he is at just a few days old. I don't think my nephews had this much hair until they were 2 years old!<br />
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Now, his hair did thin out a bit in the first two months. And certainly in the back he lost hair where it always rubbed against something while he slept on his back. But his continued to lengthen and the curls would get tangled up. People started asking when we were going to cut his hair. Eventually, we got this situation:<br />
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At first, I was all into cutting his hair. We talked about it frequently, but just never managed to get it done. One weekend we had absolutely decided to get it trimmed. And then that happened to be the weekend he was sick so the haircut had to wait. But something changed for me that weekeend. I took the delay as a sign that maybe we needed to figure out another solution. Instead of just cutting his hair as the answer, I wanted to figure out how to define the curls and take proper care of his hair.<br />
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And so began our experimentation. Now, my BIL is Black and my nieces and nephews are mixed race. So you would expect my sister to be of some help in taking care of his hair. But her advice didn't seem to work at all. And she kept saying we should just cut it or braid it. I am open to braiding it eventually, but now when he is so young, I want to keep it loose. And part of me is afraid the braids will make people think he is a girl. So we tried different products. I thought our answers might be solved when I found the <b><a href="http://www.tightlycurly.com/welcome">Tightly Curly website</a></b>. Following this guidance, one night we tried a new combination of shampoo and conditioner. The trick? We didn't wash out the conditioner but used it as a leave-in conditioner and then combed his hair with it in. And then I tried to make "doodles" with his curls. I'll be honest. I really had no clue what they meant by these doodles. It is supposed to help define each curl, but, umm, hello. He has like 10,000 curls. No way will he let me spend that much time messing with his hair. Even if he loves splashing the bath water. So I tried something out and put him to bed, waiting to see what might be the result in the morning.<br />
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And we loved it! His hair was detangled yet compact. No out of control frizzy hair! We were convinced this was the solution!<br />
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And then we took him to daycare.<br />
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Now let me back up and explain the daycare situation in regards to his hair. There are two teachers in his daycare. One teacher (who is Asian) was always telling me how the other babies loved to touch his hair. She was impressed that it was so soft and was impressed that we kept it so soft. She loved his hair. The second teacher (who is Black) had a very different impression of his hair. Now she never said anything directly, but was one of the people who was always suggesting we get it cut or commenting on his afro in less than glowing terms. I got the impression that she was gently suggesting we figure out what to do with it.<br />
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So when we took him to daycare that first day after I thought we had solved his hair problem, I was hoping this teacher might notice. And she did. But then made a more obvious statement that we need to keep working in this area. And she recommended specific products this time.<br />
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We pressed on. I think that now we have actually settled on the best solution for his age and hair now. We might need to change it in the future if his hair changes or as he gets more patience for us working on his hair. But it works for us and, as you can see, it keeps his hair looking more controlled. And we can effectively detangle it.<br />
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Here's what we do: We use just a regular baby shampoo and rinse it out. One trick I learned is that the goal is to wash his scalp and not the hair itself. The hair gets clean by the runoff from the scalp. This gets everything clean while avoiding a completely tangled mess. Then we use a coconut milk based conditioner that is designed for adults and don't rinse it out. We get a nice big glob of it and run it through his hair. First we finger comb the major tangles out and then we use the side of a wire brush to comb it out completely. By the time it is all detangled, the conditioner is well worked into his hair. And that's it. There is no "doodle" as I could never figure out really what that meant without creating more tangles. We gently pat the towel on his head and let his hair air dry. The next morning, he has nice, relatively defined curls.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-6904753528240596452012-09-09T12:10:00.001-05:002012-09-09T12:18:00.635-05:00Public Adoption MomentI feel like we hit another milestone. Nothing to do with Seven per se, but we had our first public adoption encounter. One of the things about adopting transracially is that we are obvious as an adoptive family when we are out and about. Yesterday we had quite a full day, with our church rummage sale and picnic and then an Italian festival. E is Italian and I love Italian food and wine, so we were all hanging out and enjoying the festival and nice weather. I even went grape stomping! It was fun, although I think I came in just about last place. Oh well.<br />
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Anyway, we were sitting down and enjoying some wine and music and I was feeding Seven. E left the table briefly and this woman came and sat down in his spot. She said hello to Seven and then showed me a picture of her kids on her phone. It turns out that both of her kids are adopted, one from China and the other domestic. We chatted a bit and she said they are thinking of trying for a third and going domestic again this time. We shared what our journey was like.<br />
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So that was our first time being approached due to our status as an adoptive family. It felt odd but also kinda nice. Like we were part of some secret club. Actually, it was kind of like passing the family yesterday who had their baby in a sling as I was debuting the homemade sling I made for me and Seven. Our own little club of people with something in common. We have had lots of people ask us about adoption, but it was always people who we knew, even if not very well, like an acquaintance from church or something. I have thought that we (OK-let's be honest, Seven) got a lot of smiles from African American strangers that we would see, but didn't know if I was just paying more attention to them or not. Certainly Seven gets lots of smiles and comments about how cute he is from strangers of all races.<br />
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In other news, speaking our church rummage sale. I am just a sucker now for any consignment or rummage sale. Seven will be all set next spring and summer with his new outdoor climbing structure and slide. But here is my rant. No boys clothes at all?! I've gotten used to girl clothes vastly outnumbering the boy clothes, but they had nothing at all.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-40988570789397939892012-09-08T06:47:00.000-05:002012-09-08T06:47:00.626-05:00Thanks for eating adviceThank you to everyone for your great comments about Seven's eating. It really enforces that everything is a learning experience for us too. We did try avocado as one of his first solid foods, but he pretty much thought we were trying to poison him. We will try again with all the foods he has rejected and just go slowly with this transition. It is good to know that the puree stage doesn't have to last that long. I did give him a wedge of apple yesterday and while it took him a long time to trust that it is supposed to go in his mouth, he seemed to like it once it was there. It is just funny that any non-food item he is given goes straight to his mouth, but when we give him food, he is very suspicious of it.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-77440807756410352402012-09-04T20:49:00.002-05:002012-09-04T20:49:31.327-05:00Adventures in EatingOne of the crunchy-mama things I was going to do (you could even say it was due to the natural parenting trend that Badminter criticizes) was Baby-Led Weaning. For those of you not familiar with BLW, basically it is about not pushing purees on babies and feeding them real food (as in, food that you would eat). The goal is to develop healthy eating habits right from the start, not teach them the idea that their are "kid" foods and "adult" foods. Also, it is supposed to make mealtime more enjoyable and not a battle. I was all on board.<br />
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One of the keys to BLW is that you actually start later. There is not really a nutritional need for food other than breastmilk/formula prior to 6-7 months. There is a historical/cultural reason that purees are usually started at 4 months, but there is not a nutritional need. (FYI, for those of you following my experiment in induced lactation, that ended shortly after going back to work full-time and we are full-time bottles now). So, when people (i.e., my mother and MIL) kept pushing us to give him rice cereal as soon as he turned 4 months, I held my ground. Truth be told, I felt a little superior to all those less-informed mamas who were stuck feeding their kid rice cereal and store-bought purees. I mean, what kind of mother does that? When Seven hit 5 months, I started offering him finger-sized foods. He was not interested in them in the least. They sat, on his tray, untouched. Of course, he was also in the stage where just about anything would go straight into his mouth. But if it was actual food, he wanted it nowhere near his mouth.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What is this foreign substance you are trying to give me?</td></tr>
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But I wasn't disheartened and continued offering him different types of vegetables. I faithfully consulted the BLW book and it said to follow his lead, offer it to him and wait for him to show interest. And besides, you are really supposed to start until 6 months anyway, so I was just being a bit early anyhow. Nothing that should make me question our approach.<br />
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Then one day I offered him broccoli. And he liked it. He really liked it! It did take him a while for him to pick it up, clearly thinking this was just another of my foolish attempts to get him to eat. But once he allowed it near his mouth, he sucked just about every nutrient off that stalk. We rejoiced! I resolved to cook nothing but stir-fry all week so he could eat all the broccoli he wanted! (poor E wanted a little bit of diversity in our meals...)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This seems like food to me.</td></tr>
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But during this time, Seven caught some illness. He only had a fever for one day, but the, umm, digestive problems continued. And then they still continued. So I had to call the doctor for advice. What did she say? You guessed it, give him rice cereal. So there I was, mixing up the rice cereal that I was never going to give him. And when he refused to open his mouth, I didn't blame him. I considered it more like medicine anyway. I tried to show him how I ate it and liked it, but honestly, I thought it was pretty disgusting. No wonder he didn't want it! But we pressed on, following the doctor's orders.<br />
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We tried every trick in the book to get him to open his mouth for the cereal. But there was no plane, train, nor automobile that would work. Actually, it made me kinda proud to realize how smart he was. When he did something so funny he had to laugh, he quickly put his hands in front of his face as a defensive mechanism against the spoon. He learned to turn his head and smile to get out of the line of the food.<br />
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As his digestive problem seemed to have resolved itself, I thought it was time to go back to our BLW approach. So I brought out the broccoli and now added some whole carrots to the mix. Except some tiny thing happened during this interlude with cereal. He got a tooth. (This deserves a whole celebratory post on its own, but he has a tooth!) And now when I gave him the carrot (which he loved), he started breaking off pieces of it. Pieces that put this mama into major freak-out mode. I swear my heart is still in South America as it dropped to see him coughing up this chunk of carrot. And he bit off some pretty big pieces of broccoli now, too, not just sucking the stalk.<br />
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So I had to admit that I was not ready for full BLW. I knew I couldn't go back to that until I had some assurance that he has figured out the whole swallowing thing. I sighed and put away the whole foods. But still, all was not lost. I didn't have to resort to that tacky store-bought stuff. No jarred food for my pure baby. He liked the taste of carrot, so I'll just puree my own. No big deal. Yeah, actually it is quite a big deal. No matter now much I pureed those carrots, they never got to a consistency that would stay down in his stomach.<br />
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At this point, I was feeling pretty low in my mama-abilities. I couldn't figure out how to feed my son! BLW approach led to him choking. Even my own purees were not working. And he refused even rice cereal, which was a doctor's orders. So feeling pretty low, I purchased a few jars of baby food. I pretty much felt like I was giving up everything I believed in, but was desperate to feel like I could start the transition to real food. And you know what? He loved it. OK, maybe love is a bit extreme. But when I opened up that jar of store-bought pureed carrots, he opened his mouth and then swallowed. And it stayed down! I didn't have to trick him into opening his mouth. He didn't spit it back out as soon as I did manage to get a spoonful in. He ate it and then smiled.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yummy</td></tr>
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So lesson learned. Don't judge decisions that other mamas are making. If it works for 90% of babies, it will probably be just fine for mine. And do what works for your family.<br />
<br />Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-69917643371781830842012-08-25T21:00:00.000-05:002012-08-25T21:00:40.188-05:00Holiday season?I know the Christmas season begins earlier every year, but I was still surprised to see wrapping paper and nametags in the store today. I thought it was too early to buy a Halloween costume even. Yet we got sucked in. I promise we went in only for diapers and formula. That costume just jumped into our shopping cart. And I may or may not have purchased a three foot tall stuffed Rudolph with a nose that lights up.<br />
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Somebody's going to be spoiled this holiday season.<br />
<br />Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190144653162636685.post-72340528285935034722012-08-23T20:18:00.002-05:002012-08-23T20:18:25.277-05:00Very Important ElectionPlease forgive me this election-related post. But I just can't keep quiet any more. There are very important matters at stake in this upcoming election and you need to make an informed decision about the person who will have such a profound impact on our future. The stakes have never been higher than they are now and most people are ill-informed about the candidates.<br />
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That's right. I'm talking about the County Clerk election.<br />
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I am not sure how it works in other countries, but here in the USA, the person who oversees much of the daily workings of the county court system is an elected position. Most of us probably don't even know who our county clerk is. The only thing I could tell you about my county clerk is that he replaced someone who was run out of office for calling in sick about 3 out of every 4 days. But that gives you a sense of how little attention we pay to the county clerk. The only time we take notice is when you fail so miserably at even showing up for the job.<br />
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But I am learning this year there is one very important thing that county clerks have authority over: Adoptions.<br />
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And this is how I've learned first-hand how important it is to elect the right people to this job. And by right people, I basically mean people who understand and are willing to follow the law. Because there is nothing really unusual about our adoption situation. Our lawyer is completely perplexed because there is nothing he sees about our case that would cause anyone to flag it or give it any closer look than any other adoption case. Everything that has happened has clearly followed the law, not even dropping into any gray areas. But yet not one, but two county clerks (in different counties) seem unable to understand what is going on with our situation.<br />
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You may remember the <b><a href="http://myscarletbaby.blogspot.com/2012/03/setback.html">drama </a></b>over the first county clerk that held us up in Seven's birth state, unable to leave the state even though we had passed ICPC. That clerk just refused to deal with us at all. Well, we eventually got a county to accept our petition, but now the clerk is worried about how the birthfather was served. The lawyer is trying to convince that it was completely acceptable (which it was-no gray area). But the worst case scenario is that the county clerk require us to serve him AGAIN. Which would mean another 30 days of being on pins and needles wondering what will happen.<br />
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County clerks are elected officials. The only way they are held accountable is at the ballot box. There are guidelines they are supposed to follow and this little thing called the law that should be the foundation of everything they do. But as long as they keep getting elected, they can do whatever they want.<br />
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So the next time an election for county clerk comes along, be sure you do your homework and vote for the most qualified candidate. Don't skip over it to focus on the more high profile posts like president, Congress, or mayor (I'll admit to being guilty of that in the past). Who you elect as county clerk can have real implications for families.Missyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10030801926318157162noreply@blogger.com4