Tuesday, December 21, 2010

We're coming out...

We spent the weekend in Di.sney1and with my mom, her partner, gramma, and aunt (and some cousins). They knew we have been TTC without success for some time, but not much more than that. I don't tell my mom because she stresses me out with all her questions. But now that we are thinking of moving on from treatments, we wanted to tell them what we have been doing and where we are now. It's funny because just talking about it and saying it out loud to someone other than each other makes "thinking about adoption" turn into "we are adopting." It is scary but exciting at the same time. They had a great reaction. My aunt is very over the top and was grabbing the wine bottle to fill up for a toast. My mom said that she has a coworker who flew out the day her daughter had a placement just like you fly out for a baby. So I was happy with how the conversation went. The only negative comment was my mom's partner who said we should get a kid already housebroken when we talked briefly about getting a baby or older child. Of course, she routinely talks about my nieces and nephews as pets that need to be trained, so her comments on children are usually ignored anyway.

I guess what I am feeling the most now is relief. I'm not sure if that is normal, but I feel glad that we have a plan now. There are still many decisions to figure out, but I think this is a good decision for us. I am also feeling anxious to get home so we can start researching the path ahead.

In other news, I spent the weekend reminding myself of good things that come from not being pregnant. First on the list? Spa.ce Moun.tain!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

What a day

Yesterday was a very long day. And I'm not sure when it is considered over since I only managed to get 2 hours of sleep. That is more like a nap than a night's sleep.

I made plans with my sister yesterday morning for her to pick up all her kids' presents that our mom has been sending to my house to hide from them. She ended up bringing her good friend, which I was a little disappointed by. Not because I don't like her friend, but I wanted some time for a sisterly chat. After exchanging the presents we went out for coffee. I ended up bringing up what I wanted to talk about anyway. I figured that if we are going to move to adoption, then we have to start talking about it publicly. And actually, one of the things that I feel I will miss with adoption rather than pregnancy is the public sharing of joy in the expectation. So if I want people to start sharing in our joy, then we need to share with them.

My sister told me she told her friend about our fertility issues, but I guess she didn't. Anyway, I brought it up and filled her in quickly and that we were thinking of moving to adoption. They both thought that was a great plan and that not only would we be great parents, but even better have the special abilities it takes to adopt given everything that comes with it. At one point we were all in tears, but in a good way.

They did jump to saying we should adopt from Haiti, which I didn't like. Not that we have ruled that out (we haven't made any decisions yet about types/locations of adoption) but to be honest we are not adopting due to a 'save the world' mentality. We are where we are because we know we are meant to be parents, have much love to give to a child/children, and have reached as far as we are comfortable going with fertility treatment. That we can help a "needy" child (I don't like that term) or save the world from overpopulation are more like bonuses that come with it rather than decision factors. Is that wrong? Does that mean we are not meant to adopt?

We also talked about how our family might react to a child who is adopted, which I'll save for another post.

After this emotional morning, I went into work and exchanged presents with my assistant. I was tempted to tell her more about our IF experience, but didn't because the office was actually pretty packed considering finals are over and students should be heading out for break. And I was glad that I didn't because what did I open but her family Christmas card. Not only did it have her new grandbaby plastered all over it, but it even had pictures of her oldest daughter and baby still in the hospital! She is many months old already, so I don't understand why they are going with an older picture.

AF has not arrived yet, but I have all my usual pre-AF symptoms today and heavy spotting.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Not this time

I was not supposed to test until Sunday, but I couldn't resist this morning. BFN. Again. I also started spotting. Ugh. Just let this be over by Christmas Eve.

In other news, remember my assistant with her new grandbaby? The past two days she made me watch about 4 videos of the baby eating. Apparently she is eating more foods now and deciding what she likes or doesn't like. The thing is, even if it wasn't painful to think about babies, I wouldn't be interested in repeated videos of a baby eating.

After the latest video yesterday, I must not have seemed too enthused because then she started to explain that she gets so excited over the baby because her daughter was trying for a while and used fertility treatments, so this baby was long wished for. I did sneak in, ever so slightly, that I know what that feels like, although it wasn't clear if she caught it. I don't know if I should say more. She has also made a couple of references to going baby crazy if I ever have a baby.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Holiday letter

I'm writing our annual holiday letter. As usual, I am including a bunch of pictures from the year. But I can't include pictures of what defines this year the most for us. I mean, I do have a couple of pictures of my meds and my Sock it To Me socks in stirrups. And I would especially love to send those to the people currently stuffing my mailbox with adorable, loving family/baby pictures. But something tells me it is just not appropriate. So I guess we'll be sticking with traditional vacation pictures this year.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

One week

(with apologies to BNL)

It's been one week since she looked at me,
Cocked her head to the side and measured my ovary.
Five days since you triggered me, saying
Don't be together but come back and see me.
3 days since the IUI,
I realized it's all my hopes could be filled but couldn't think it.
Yesterday, the doubts began,
But it'll still be 10 days til we know for sure.

Stickity bravelle, the needle is stickin'
Have an ultrasound and see my follies kickin'
Watchin' Guiliani with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the IVF works in this one.
With all these meds I'm gettin' frantic.
Can't do yoga that is tantric,
Because I'm all about the ovaries.
You try to stimulate, get the ovidrel,
and then they bust through.
Gonna make a break and take a fake,
I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake.
I like chocolate cuz it's the richest of the flavors.
Gettin' ultrasound, cause then they'll know,
The vertigo is gonna grow.
Confused whose sperm it is,
You'll have to sign a waiver.

It's been one week since the trigger shot,
Pushed my ovary along and said that it's time.
5 days since the IUI, I've still got the socks I wore in the stirrups.
3 days since the symptoms came,
I realized it's early, but what could I do?
Yesterday, I blogged about it,
But it'll still be 5 days til we know for sure.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Everywhere again

Remember a few weeks ago when I noticed that everywhere I turned, there was a reminder about infertility? Well, now it seems like there are reminders everywhere about adoption. Today I was walking across campus and saw a sign that said Adopt a Child Today." It took me a few moments before I realized it was a reference to a holiday Angel Tree event by some student group.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Third time's the charm?

Our third IUI with injectibles was today. The SA was the worst of the bunch, probably because hubby's been sick the past few days. Despite that I am feeling somewhat hopeful today. My test day is actually when we will be out of town for the holiday, but if I get a BFP on an hpt, they can find a lab out there for betas. So we can potentially have a very merry Christmas. Or not.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My assistant

I hired a new assistant a few months ago. In nearly all respects, she has made my life significantly better. I really couldn't ask for a better assistant. Except in this one area. She loves talking about babies. She has a new granddaughter, so it is natural that she would gush all over her and fill her desk with baby pictures.

And then yesterday I was sick and of course emailed her that I won't be in and to take care of a few things while I was gone. Today I was back at work and she told me how worried she was about me. I said it seemed to be a 24 hour bug and was feeling better today. She replied that she was hoping I had the 9 month flu. Suddenly I felt like I was punched in the gut again.
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