Saturday, December 18, 2010

What a day

Yesterday was a very long day. And I'm not sure when it is considered over since I only managed to get 2 hours of sleep. That is more like a nap than a night's sleep.

I made plans with my sister yesterday morning for her to pick up all her kids' presents that our mom has been sending to my house to hide from them. She ended up bringing her good friend, which I was a little disappointed by. Not because I don't like her friend, but I wanted some time for a sisterly chat. After exchanging the presents we went out for coffee. I ended up bringing up what I wanted to talk about anyway. I figured that if we are going to move to adoption, then we have to start talking about it publicly. And actually, one of the things that I feel I will miss with adoption rather than pregnancy is the public sharing of joy in the expectation. So if I want people to start sharing in our joy, then we need to share with them.

My sister told me she told her friend about our fertility issues, but I guess she didn't. Anyway, I brought it up and filled her in quickly and that we were thinking of moving to adoption. They both thought that was a great plan and that not only would we be great parents, but even better have the special abilities it takes to adopt given everything that comes with it. At one point we were all in tears, but in a good way.

They did jump to saying we should adopt from Haiti, which I didn't like. Not that we have ruled that out (we haven't made any decisions yet about types/locations of adoption) but to be honest we are not adopting due to a 'save the world' mentality. We are where we are because we know we are meant to be parents, have much love to give to a child/children, and have reached as far as we are comfortable going with fertility treatment. That we can help a "needy" child (I don't like that term) or save the world from overpopulation are more like bonuses that come with it rather than decision factors. Is that wrong? Does that mean we are not meant to adopt?

We also talked about how our family might react to a child who is adopted, which I'll save for another post.

After this emotional morning, I went into work and exchanged presents with my assistant. I was tempted to tell her more about our IF experience, but didn't because the office was actually pretty packed considering finals are over and students should be heading out for break. And I was glad that I didn't because what did I open but her family Christmas card. Not only did it have her new grandbaby plastered all over it, but it even had pictures of her oldest daughter and baby still in the hospital! She is many months old already, so I don't understand why they are going with an older picture.

AF has not arrived yet, but I have all my usual pre-AF symptoms today and heavy spotting.


  1. You aren't responsible for saving all the needy children of the world or anything. I know a lot of fertiles think it's up to us IFers to save the world from overpopulation and to be grateful if we get to adopt a child that is 'unwanted' but it's not true and not fair to us. I think it's perfectly acceptable that you want to adopt because you want a family. Period. Good luck! When we explored it I read a lot about the subject. There's lots to learn and think about. Looking forward to hearing about your journey. Sorry about your child crazed assistant!

  2. Two hours of sleep?! Ugh I'm sorry!

    So thankful to hear you had a good conversation about adoption.

  3. I've struggled with family reaction to our adopted children. I also wonder if it has to do with adopting them at an older age (7 and 4). When adopting infants, I imagine those first few years are an adjustment period where family is feeling out boundaries, building attachments at a time where the child may not necessarily be aware of what's going on... a luxury we don't have.

    My sister is great and has really stepped up as an aunt.

    My dad has been so-so. He does think of them and ask about them and has called to talk to them a couple of times.

    My mother has been completely absent. She was here for adoption weekend and that's about it. She makes no effort to communicate with the kids, didn't call on their birthdays, and rarely asks about them apart from the, "How are the kids?" She never digs deeper. I know she has it in her to do more because I saw her fawn over my cousin's 2 children, showering them with affection and trying to spend as much time with them as possible, even babysitting them.

    I don't know why she acts the way she does, but I try to not let it bother me and just appreciate what the other family members do to include the children in their lives. I've learned by now I can't change my mother and trying to talk to her about things like this only prove disastrous.

  4. I'm glad your sister took it well, apart from the Haiti comment. I think -- like regarding IF in general -- there are lots of misconceptions around, but I hope you'll be able to communicate to them what adoption means for you. And that it's not about saving the world.


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