Adoption books

I signed up for the Adoption Book Challenge of 2011. My goal was to read 12 books, 6 fiction and 6 nonfiction that touched on adoption.

Here's how I did:

Nonfiction:
Adopted for Life by Russell Moore
Inconceivable by Shannon Woodward
Whole Life Adoption Book, Jayne Schooler
Dear Birthmother, Kathleen Silber
In on it, Elisabeth O'Toole
Attachment in Adoption, Deborah Gray
Labor of the Heart, Kathleen Whitten

Fiction:
State of Wonder, Ann Patchett
Little Bee, Chris Cleave
Cutting for Stone, Abraham Verghese

OK, clearly I did better in the nonfiction rather than fiction category. And, truth be told, I did not know any of those three books touched on adoption themes when I picked them up. I was not too big a fan of Little Bee, although it was a book that lots of people were talking about last year.

As for the best of the nonfiction books, I liked Labor of the Heart and the Whole Life Adoption Book. Attachment in Adoption is really more of a reference book and I would recommend it for people experiencing attachment problems or those adopting older children. In On It is designed for extended families of prospective adoptive parents and I gave a copy to both of our mothers. It is a good introduction to some issues in adoption and how they can help us. My mom has said it really helped her understand what I am going through, so I think it is a good book to share.

Networking

I don't have much to report other than we are slowly working on our networking and trying to get our profile information out there. Adoption-Share.com is a great source and we are developing our presence. Pretty much everyone we know now has a copy of our profile, so hopefully people will file it away in case they ever hear of something.

Training day 1

I just returned from a conference, but still have thoughts from the first day of our agency training swirling around. First, it was much more emotionally draining than I thought it would. The hubby expected it to be so, but I thought it would focus more on legal issues, paperwork, etc. But they jumped right into the adoptive family, who gave their story and had us all in tears (even as they had us all thinking they were crazy for the degree of openness they have). The funny part is they sat in our places just last year and remember thinking the family who came to visit their training was crazy for having such an open relationship with their birthmother. But one year later they have a cute baby and a very open adoption. I guess it just goes to show that you never know where this journey will take you.

Second, we met some great couples. It is hard b/c part of me views these couples as our "competition." But we did connect with some and they seem like wonderful people. And we did bond by sharing some of the feelings of loss we have gone through with IF.

Since we had gone to the adoptive family conference a few months ago, most of the material was actually the same that we learned then (in terms of focusing on how to be successful adoptive parents). So it wasn't as valuable to us in that respect. They even had one of the same birthmothers give her story! There is one odd thing about this birthmother (not that she was odd, but it did make us worry about somehthing). She is local and of my religion. She said it was important to her to have the adoptive parents be of the same religion. She told us many facts about the adoptive parents, including their name, neighborhood, mentioned a church, and names of her birthchild and a subsequent sibling through another adoption. So now we are wondering if the adoptive family goes to our church! On the one hand, it would be great to continue to expand our network of adoptive families. But then it would be odd to meet them and know so much about them already.

Our second training is this weekend. So stay tuned!

Maybe you should start a blog

Sorry it's been so long! I guess I just haven't had much to report. We've continued telling people about our adoption and now I feel like most people I interact with regularly know. We have not made much progress on the adoption itself. I thought we had to wait until our training in April, but in going through our last letter from the agency again yesterday (that we received weeks ago), I realized that we were supposed to make an appointment with our caseworker before the training to get all the materials and go through the process. Oops. I thought we were getting the materials at the training. Oh well. I called today and we have our appointment next week.

Tonight I had my book club and it was a small group, but I filled them in about our adoption plans. They were excited and one person there said she is obsessed with adoption and foster care. She is moving shortly, but is planning on starting foster care in her new location. Instead of talking about the book, I mostly told them about the adoption process (ok, we often talk about things other than the book at our book club meetings). They were interested in the process and at one point someone said, "maybe you should start a blog about this process." I changed the subject, but thought that was pretty funny. If only she knew.

Adoption conference

I've been meaning to write down my thoughts from the adoption conference we went to last weekend. Here are the main takeaway points we had.

1. Don't tell anyone what we may know about the birth parents. Obviously depending on the level of openness, the birth parents may reveal things themselves. But what we know about the circumstances around our child's birth belongs to our child. Once we tell some people, we no longer control the information. A social worker told a story of how she was at the dentist and told the dentist that she assists with adoptions. The dentist then proceeded to go into all these stories, one of which was a child that this social worker knew. Apparently someone in the adoptive family had told their dentist. And now their dentist is telling the world. There was some disagreement among the professionals about how to actually apply this lesson. One thought you could safely tell close relatives that you trust. But another cautioned that trusted, well meaning relatives (i.e., grandparents) may reveal to the child that you know more than you have told them yet. And this can cause trust issues with the child.

2. Never lie to your child. This includes lies of omission or "technical truths." You can provide information in an age appropriate way when they are younger, especially if there is some negative information about the circumstances of their birth/adoption. But by the age of 12, they can handle all the information and so you should tell everything you know then. This goes back to the trust issue. If kids learn later that you lied or withheld information, they will have trouble trusting you in the future.

3. Kids know more than you think they do. Refer to #2.

4. It is not your child's responsibility to ask about their adoption/birth parents. It is your responsibility to tell them. This came up a couple of times, but was most forcefully presented when one couple said they were not sure they wanted to tell their child he was adopted. He actually shares many physical traits, hasn't yet asked about his birth, and they don't see a real reason to. The message was basically that it is our responsibility to tell the child what we know, in an age appropriate way. Even if they don't ask about it, we should find a way to bring it up.

5. The adoptive mother sets the tone for how adoption/birth parents will be talked about. Children learn what questions they are not allowed to ask. Shutting down their questions, or never bringing it up, sends the message that adoption is shameful. And that the adoptive and birth mothers are in competition with each other. That puts the kid in a hard spot and makes him/her thinks it is disloyal to wonder about the birthmother.

6. Children go through stages when realizing what adoption is. First they gained a family (age 3-6), then they lost a family (age 7-9), then they were given away (age 9-12), then they were rejected (age 13-17). Kids may go "underground" with questions about their adoption during some of these stages, so it is our job to drop pebbles to remind them that it is OK to talk about their feelings and validate them.

7. WISE UP power. We should be prepared on how to handle inappropriate comments related to adoption (i.e., are they really siblings?) and also prepare our children to handle any inappropriate comments they receive. WISE up - Walk away, It's private, Share, Educate. Give them something they can do from each of these categories so they are prepared.

8. There are different ways to talk about adoption. Authoritarian (I won't talk about it, or because I said so); Chosen baby (you are so special and were chosen out of so many babies); glorifying (constant praise for birth parents); rational (find answers); and reflecting (communicate the feeling that is underneath a question). We talked about what we might find easiest to give as a response to various questions. But the best response is usually a combination of reflecting and rational. Validate their feelings and provide answers if you can. Don't make them feel like a chosen baby (b/c then they worry about doing something wrong to be unchosen). Don't glorify the birth parents (b/c then they feel the problem must have been with them).

My doctor

I'd like to tell you about my doctor. No, not the one that has been the source of all my recent RE visits. My primary care doctor. The way my insurance works, it is financially beneficial if I see a doctor in a particular set of clinics. When I obtained my current job I set up a new patient appointment the first doctor that was available in this clinic. It took about 6 weeks to get that appointment. They promised once I was established as a patient, then I could make day-of appointments. My appointment was at 2:30. I show up at 2:25 and check in. At 3:15, I am called to the back (finally!) and the nurse takes my vitals and puts me in the exam room. I am reading a magazine and lose track of time. About 30 minutes pass and I leave the room to ask the nurse when the doctor would see me. She says the doctor is running a little late and will be right there. Another 20 minutes pass. I go out again and ask about the doctor. Finally, at around 4:15, in comes Dr. LateResident. Fresh out of medical school, Dr. LR tries to apply the knowledge that she is supposed to have a good bedside manner and chit chat with us to make us feel comfortable. At one point I said, "you know my appointment was at 2:30 so if we could hurry this along, that would be great." She appears a little flustered and does apologize and say it is not usually like this. Just when I think the exam is coming to a close, she says she has to call in her residency supervisor (Dr. Supervisor) to check that the appointment went well. After several more minutes waiting, Dr LR and Dr Supervisor come in together. DR LR fills in Dr Supervisor on me and my health. As part of the details, she mentions that I recently moved to the area. After asking a few questions about some questions in my medical history, Dr Supervisor asks how long I've been here. My reply? "2.5 hours!" She was like, oh no, I meant how long have you lived in this area.

Eventually I was able to escape. Dr LR has come in handy since that fateful appointment. She was the one to give me a reference to an RE that smoothed things over with my insurance. I should also add that the practice that includes Dr LR and Dr Supervisor sees both adults and children. I thought that was kind of odd since doctors usually specialize in one or the other, but whatever.

But let's fast forward to 2 summers ago. I had been very sick for a few days. Massive headache, some vomiting, etc. I did visit the ER at one point and they did a CT scan since at that point a headache was my major symptom. The ER doctor mentioned a "really terrible (temporary) disease," but since I have been sick for 3 days I probably have a non-deadly form and the only thing to do is wait it out. They discharged me with directions that if I got worse I should come back to the ER and if I stayed the same in a few days I should see my primary care doctor. Well a few days passed and I was the same. So in I went. Dr LR was not available that day, so I had an appointment with Dr Supervisor. At this point my husband is taking me b/c I couldn't drive. Or even really sit up. I think this time my appointment was at 3pm. We show up and are taken to the back at 3:15ish. Still a little late, but not as bad as last time. Dr Supervisor finally comes in a little after 3:30. She asks some questions and says I am dehydrated and gives me some juice to drink and leaves. She comes back about 30 minutes later to see if I am better. Um, not really, but thanks for the juice. She says I do have the "really terrible disease." The problem is that this really terrible disease comes in two forms. One form is not really treatable, but they can give me medicine to manage the symptoms and it runs its course in about 10 days. So I would just need to wait it out. The other form will kill you in 2-3 days if not treated. I need a "very painful procedure" to determine which form I have. But since it is now almost 5pm and the office is closing, I will need to go down to the ER to have that done. I am thinking, well if you got started when I first came in maybe it wouldn't be so late and I wouldn't have the insane cost of another ER visit. But I didn't want to die obviously, so down to the ER we went.

The ER doctor (different from the previous ER) examined me and agreed with Dr Supervisor that I have this really terrible disease. And he agreed that the only way to tell what form I had was through a very painful procedure. But then he said, "You've been sick for over 5 days?" I confirmed and he replied that if I have the deadly kind, I would have already been dead. So he thought we could rule that out without the very painful procedure. He gave me prescriptions to manage the symptoms and about a week later I was healthy again.

You are probably wondering why I am going into detail on my less than pleasant experiences with my doctor (to put it mildly). Well, I have been dreading the physical exams that are required as part of the homestudy. We are generally healthy, so I am not worried about the outcome of the exam, but just the length of time that the appointment will take. Also, as I've been looking into adoption, I realize that we will need to find a pediatrician. It crossed my mind that I could use my primary care doctor since they see both adults and children. And my reaction was, NO WAY! Besides, I was advised that we should find someone who knows how things may be different with adoption.

And then yesterday comes along. My husband and I signed up for an all day conference on being successful as an adoptive parent. I'll go into more detail on everything that was covered later. But let me just mention what happened towards the end of the afternoon. They had a panel with various professionals (agencies, legal and medical professionals) to talk about some logistics or things we need to think about and prepare for. One guess who the medical professional was? Yep, Dr Supervisor is apparently the best in the area for domestic adoptions. She is an adoptive mother herself and knows the developmental signs that a doctor should pay a little extra attention to if the child was adopted and has an unknown prenatal and family medical history. She is also willing to talk with us about specific situations of drug/alcohol exposure. I couldn't believe it. The one doctor that I would want to avoid the most is the best in the area!


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For those interested in her overall perspective on drugs/alcohol exposure, she said that for children adopted as newborns, aggressive parenting can help overcome many of the disadvantages brought on by pre-natal conditions. So you want a doctor who is going to take concerns that your child is not developing on the normal schedule seriously, rather than dismiss them as saying that babies develop at different rates. While that is true, you want to have early intervention b/c that is the best way to overcome developmental delays. If something seems awry at 4 months, you want to take action then and not wait to see if the baby catches up by her/himself at 6 months.

Slowing down and divine intervention

As you can probably tell from my recent posts, I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. Adoption can be overwhelming by itself, but together with a crazy life at work right now, it has added to my stress. The two together has meant that I have not been sleeping and no time to recharge because I would get home from a busy day at work and then immediately start researching adoption agencies. I reached my breaking point this week. Here's how that came about and the resolution we found.

As I've written about before, I have struggled with the idea the large placement fees with adoption amount to buying a baby. I have even seen some agencies where they describe the situations currently available, and each one has a dollar amount attached to it. I feel strongly that the decisions we make with this adoption need to be ones where we can tell our future child about them and not make them feel uncomfortable or angry about the circumstances. I don't want the birth parents to be pressured into making an adoption plan. I don't want to make a baby seem like a commodity.

We feel more secure using an agency rather than going an entirely independent route. Partly it is our desire to avoid making this process seem like a sale (once you start thinking about finding a private placement, people start using terms like marketing). And partly it is security for us because there are people out there who want to take advantage of adoptive parents. Another factor is that we feel like we need some education, both to help us get through this process, and to be good parents to a child who will have to deal with unique circumstances of having been adopted. Only the local agencies appear to have plans to educate us. The problem? We've only been able to identify two agencies that we feel comfortable with. And they both scheduled their home study groups at times that were impossible for us.

OK, not quite impossible, but very very unlikely. One scheduled their group for the day of my husband's graduation. I mean, he is not going to be denied his degree just because he doesn't go to the graduation ceremony, but he has worked so hard for this degree, he needs to go. The other agency scheduled their training for two weekends that both conflict with important things we have going on. My husband was able to confirm that he could move the conflict he had for the second weekend. But the bigger problem was always my conflict with the first weekend. I have a major event at work that overlaps. The next opportunity to work with this agency would not happen until October and we effectively be putting off our adoption process for almost a year. That is unacceptable. Even the training for this agency in April that seemed impossible for us to make is such a long ways off.

So that's where we were on Wednesday. The only options that appeared morally acceptable seemed impossible logistically. We had a meeting at a church and planned to ask our pastor for advice after our meeting that night. But he had to zip out right afterwards and we never got a chance to talk about it. I didn't sleep that night. And I was upset, anxious, depressed, stressed, etc. As I was going through the motions at work, I kept thinking that time was slipping away and I didn't know what to do. I keep using the phrase overwhelmed because I don't have a better term. I just wasn't coping well.

And then suddenly it hit me that we need to slow down. There are too many decisions to make and we can't rush through this. Maybe waiting until April isn't such a long wait after all. While I was still thinking that April was impossible anyway, the notion that we need to slow down and I don't need to make these life altering decisions this week made me feel a bit better.

And then around lunch the impossible happened. Something changed with my work conflict where a sliver of opportunity opened up. I may have to jet to off to a different city the day after our training, but I think I will be able to attend both weekends. I am not usually the type to describe events in my life as having divine intervention. I tend to think that God has many important things to think about than messing around with my little life. But if there is anything where I feel God is pointing the way for us, this is it.

So I called the agency and secured us a spot in their April group. We are slowing down. And I feel at peace.

Agencies

When I first started exploring different ways to approach domestic adoption everything seemed to fall into two groups. Agency adoption v. private/independent adoption. Now I am realizing there are three types of adoptions and you can try multiple routes at a time.

First, there are full-service agency adoptions. This would be the Catholic Charities or Bethany Christian Services routes. What sets these agencies apart is that they serve individuals on all aspects of the adoption situation. The women who are facing unintended pregnancies and don't know what to do about it. Some of those women figure out ways to parent their child, while others make an adoption plan and end up with a status as a birthmother. They also work with potential adoptive families and do the home study and help facilitate the match between birth parent and adoptive parent. The full-service agency has a fee for the home study, but it is considered part of the placement fee and not a separate cost. And the services provided to birthmothers are taken out of the placement fee, so that the placement fee feels more like an indirect payment for the services provided to the birthmother.

Then there are agencies that just do home studies or just do placements. If you go this route, you have to to work with individuals from multiple organizations to first get home study approved and then get your profile in front of birthmothers to get matched. The placement agencies often don't do home studies and may be in a different state than where you live. They may even be in a different state than where the birthmother lives. I heard of a story of a birthmother traveling to another state to give birth so they could work with a particular placement agency and fall under a certain state's laws. The placement agency may provide some services to a birthmother, but for the most part the birthmother has already decided to make an adoption plan before contacting the agency. And they don't provide the same level of medical/legal services that the full-service agencies provide. These differences have implications for the fees. Since the home study agency and placement agency are different, the fees are separate. And since fewer medical/legal services are paid for out of the placement fee, it is less clear what the placement fee is actually going to (except to someone's wallet).

And then there is the completely independent route, which for a planner like me seems not to be the best way to approach this. You still have to pay a home study fee from a home study agency, and then do your own networking to find a placement. I think the placement costs and birthmother costs can vary tremendously.

As we figure out what we want to do, I am also realizing that we don't have to pick a single strategy. We can do all of the above (but then of course pay all of the above costs). I am drawn to the full-service agency approach. It seems more secure for all involved. It also feels less like we are buying a baby, but just funding services provided to us or the birthmother. But I also don't want to put all my eggs in one basket. The placement agencies have much shorter average wait times than full-service agencies. Ideally I think I would want to start with a full-service agency and then supplement with our own networking to find a private placement and see what happens.

But then we meet with the specific agencies in our area and I don't know what to do. Today we went to a group information with an agency that, going in, I was sure was the agency for us. But the entire session was disorganized. I left feeling more discouraged.

I am not sure where we stand now. One thing that I am trying to use in guiding decisions about our adoption journey is how my future grown child would react to hearing the story. It is one thing to tell a child that I paid $20,000 in fees that indirectly provided services to their birthmother and quite another to say I paid $20,000 in fees that just padded someone's wallet. The full-service agencies do more of the former and so that is drawing me to them. They also do more education so that once we get a placement we can be fantastic adoptive parents. But that education also serves as a type of gatekeeper, where the agency says the next training starts in April or May and we need to wait until then to start the home study. If we will have to wait several months or even years for a placement, I don't want to have to wait several months just to start that waiting.

Adoption book challenge

I am joining the Adoption Book Challenge. I am going to aim for Level 3, which is to read 6 fiction and 6 nonfiction books about adoption. I just heard about this today, but since I am the type of person to start reading about a topic when I go down a path, I am already well on my way!

So far this year I read Adopted For Life, which is a Christian perspective on adoption. I will admit that I was not the biggest fan. I was looking for something a little practical. Also, even though I am Christian (Catholic), I had trouble with the author's statement that is our Christian duty to use spanking as a form of discipline, and thus Christians may have trouble adopting through foster care where the kids may have been physically abused. Now, I can understand how someone can use mild spanking as a form of discipline without it being child abuse, but it is not logical at all in my mind how it is required to raise a child according to the Christian faith. I mean, I've been wondering if my hesitancy to adopt through foster care means I am a bad Christian because those are the kids that are really in need of loving stable homes.

I also read Inconceivable by Shannon Woodward. That book is not strictly about adoption and more about finding peace with infertility, but since it does follow her journey of two successful adoptions and many failed attempts, I am counting it.

Right now I am reading a book about open adoption. I don't remember the name, but I'll put up a review when I am done.

One stop shopping

One of the things I struggle with the most as we go down this adoption road is the amount of money involved. I am not so worried about actually affording it (which I know is a blessing compared to others). My husband is finishing grad school this semester so the part of our income that used to go into his tuition fund is now going into our adoption fund. I am more conflicted over the idea of whether we are buying a baby.

I know with the home study and the lawyer fees, you are basically paying the cost of these people's time who are providing a necessary service. So those costs don't bother me as much. Plus they are small potatoes compared to the placement fees. It is when we get to discussions about placement fees that I get uncomfortable and wonder where that money is going. Some agencies provide extensive services to birth mothers (counseling, housing, etc). I can understand that and see how it might be easier to just charge an average fee to cover those costs rather than keep track of every nickel. But some agencies charge more healthy White babies than other types of babies. And this is where my conflicting emotions come in. I mean, the costs involved in providing services for a birth mother certainly vary, but I would assume they don't vary in the way their fee structure is set up. If anything, their fee structure is the opposite of what the actual costs would be. For example, providing services to a mother who is having a special needs child is probably more expensive than someone with a healthy child, but the placement fee is less.

This makes me think we should go the private adoption route and thus pay the actual costs of providing the services the birth mother needs. But that whole process makes me feel overwhelmed. There is a comfort in going to a "one stop shop" agency. But the fact that I just use the term shopping to describe our process of bringing a child into our family makes me horrible. I don't know how we will resolve this, but it is something bouncing around in my head as we figure out what to do.

ICLW

Welcome ICLWers! I haven't done ICLW in a while, but it will be great to meet a bunch of new bloggers. Here's my story:

My husband and I have been TTC for 2.5 years. I call 2010 the "Year of the IUI" because after spending some time going WTF and then various tests, we had a total of 5 IUIs last year, 3 with injectibles. All BFN. We have both male and female factor infertility and also tried some natural treatments like acupuncture.

After some long talks, we decided to put the treatment road behind us and are now starting the adoption process. This decision was partly due to our concerns about more using more aggressive treatments and also that "being parents" is more important to us than "being pregnant".

So here we are. We are still in the very early stages of figuring out whether we want to use an agency or the independent route and saving up money. I've been spending almost all my free time in the past few weeks doing internet research, reading books, and asking questions to local agencies and lawyers.

I look forward to reading your story.

Interviews

Today I had conversations with two home study agencies. I originally thought these organizations were also placement agencies, but it turns they don't work directly with birthmothers. They handle the home study and post placements and give us advice on finding a placement agency and other things to do to find a placement.

Just chatting with them for a few minutes gave me much more insight into this whole process and I think I learned some things regardless of whether we end up using them. So in all it was a productive day in terms of our adoption progress. I am starting to less like I am in way over my head. We still have many more people/agencies to talk to before making a decision, though.

One thing both agencies told me today is that the key to finding a placement relatively quickly is telling everyone we know that we are adopting. Especially people who work in schools or hospitals or similar organizations. The idea is that you never know when someone will hear about a friend's cousin (or whatever) who has an unexpected pregnancy and might be considering adoption. I understand that, but it does make me a little nervous just because it turns the whole zone of silence that accompanies infertility on its head. Not that being infertile should ever be a source of shame, but yet that is how I experienced it. It was not something to discuss even with close family members. Let alone everyone on my Twitter feed. I need to find a way to change that.

Adoption fears

I was reading the news today and ran across this article about Ronald Reagan. You may have heard that one of his sons wrote a book that suggests he started showing signs of Alzheimer's during his presidency. This post is not about Reagan. And its not about Alzheimer's (although it's a topic that I pay attention to since my grandmother had it). This is about my fears around adoption.

Let me back up. It is common in academia to speak about the impostor syndrome. It may exist in other occupations; I can't speak to that. But in academia we are all supposedly experts in our field. And we do have a great deal of knowledge about the topic of our research. But the impostor syndrome is the fear that one day someone will rip the mask off our face and reveal that we are not really experts. We don't really belong here. I admit that I suffer from the impostor syndrome. And when I get the courage to express that fear to others, they admit that deep down they feel it too.

It was the fear of the impostor syndrome that reared its ugly head as I read that article about Reagan. Even 66 years after his birth, Michael Reagan's relationship to his father is still qualified.

The former president’s son, Ron Reagan, has just released "My Father at 100," a book about his father’s life. (The younger Reagan resists calling it a memoir.) The book’s revelation that Ron now believes his father had Alzheimer’s disease while in office has already elicited a furious response from Michael Reagan, the son adopted by Ronald Reagan and his first wife, Jane Wyman.

Now, maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't see how it is relevant to the story that Michael Reagan was adopted. But yet the writer inserted it in an article when the general thrust seems to be that only Ron Reagan (and not the merely adopted son Michael) is able to speak about his father.

That is my adoption fear. That I will just be an impostor. That one day, many years down the line, someone will rip the mask from my face and reveal me as not the real mother. I don't really belong here.

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On a side note, I had no idea that adoption played such a large role in shaping Reagan's family. His first wife was "unofficially adopted" and raised by neighbors after her father died when she was young. They adopted Michael. And their oldest daughter adopted a daughter from Uganda. They also lost a baby who was born premature.

Finding an agency

Well, we seem to be narrowing down the decisions. I would say the decision process is not so much about doing tons of research (although I have been spending much time doing that), but about listening to your heart. My heart is telling me to do domestic adoption, so I have started eliminating things related to international adoption.

The next big decision is finding an agency. I guess really I should re-phrase that. Deciding whether to use an agency or a lawyer and go the private adoption route. I went through a bunch of local resources and have this long list of agencies and lawyers that operate in my county. Even just reading what I can online about them, it seems we have 4 possible agencies and 3 possible lawyers. I am in the process now of contacting them to get more information. There is a range of agencies that operate nationwide, so I need to figure out what to do about them. Part of me would prefer to ignore them because the options can grow out of control.

I do have to talk about one agency that we have pretty much decided against, although we will go to their group info session just to be a point of comparison. I won't say their name, but they are large (not sure, but I would guess they are one of the largest) and have a strong Christian focus and wide network. If you've looked into adoption at all, you probably know who I am talking about. They make me uncomfortable for two general reasons. One, I have read some of the "anti-adoption" sites out there and this agency keeps coming up as one that may use coercive tactics to find babies for families. I don't know how I could look a child in the eyes if I had any inkling that he/she was taken from the birthmother out of coercion.

The other reason I am hesitant to go with them is that their Christian mission is so central to what they do. Now, it's not that I am against Christians. Quite the contrary, I am one. And my faith is very important to me and how I want to raise my child. But I don't like the way some Christians act like their version of Christianity is the only right one. For instance, this agency has a sister agency in a neighboring state that only started working with Catholic families a few years ago. As a Catholic (you know, the oldest Christian religion), it makes me mad when people deny that Catholics are true Christians. Plus, there are some aspects of their Statement of Faith that rub me the wrong way. It appears to imply that in order to provide a loving, faith-filled home to a child, I have to believe in creationism or that same sex couples are any less American. All these things put together make me think that our family, in which the parents are Catholic, grandma is a lesbian, and grandpa is Mormon is not the type of family for them. And thus they are not the type of agency for us.

I don't mean to push away other Christians with this post. My faith has been a rock in getting me through my IF journey and I hope it will continue to give me peace as we proceed down the adoption road. But I always think that there is a reason we call God's grace a mystery. I believe Catholic teachings the most, but really we are all muddling through trying to understand the Truth.

Making decisions

Although the decision to stop treatment and pursue adoption seemed momentous, with all the other decisions facing us now it seems like deciding to adopt was the easy part. Now we have to decide how to adopt. International or domestic? What age range would we consider? What special needs would we accept? Siblings? And it goes on.

I have no clue how to go about making these decisions. We have our first information meeting next week with an agency, so maybe they provide resources for these decisions. For instance, I want to know what is involved in caring for a child with a particular need if we are going to be open to that.

As for age range, I do prefer a younger child, but may be open to someone other than a newborn. But I'm not quite sure how that is different and have questions about things like how desirable it is to change a child's name if you adopt, say, a one year old. Is it wrong if I can't imagine myself spending a lifetime saying one of the crazy names that people seem to give kids these days?

I am not even sure about domestic or international. My gut says to go for domestic, but that is because we are open to a child of any race and I can see us with an African American or mixed race child that will fit right in with my nieces and nephews (who are mixed race). But then I think, if that is the reason, wouldn't a child from Africa fit in just as well as an African American baby? And perusing the international adoption sites made me think my aunt and cousin who were born in the Philippines would be a great resource if we adopted from there.

We're coming out...

We spent the weekend in Di.sney1and with my mom, her partner, gramma, and aunt (and some cousins). They knew we have been TTC without success for some time, but not much more than that. I don't tell my mom because she stresses me out with all her questions. But now that we are thinking of moving on from treatments, we wanted to tell them what we have been doing and where we are now. It's funny because just talking about it and saying it out loud to someone other than each other makes "thinking about adoption" turn into "we are adopting." It is scary but exciting at the same time. They had a great reaction. My aunt is very over the top and was grabbing the wine bottle to fill up for a toast. My mom said that she has a coworker who flew out the day her daughter had a placement just like you fly out for a baby. So I was happy with how the conversation went. The only negative comment was my mom's partner who said we should get a kid already housebroken when we talked briefly about getting a baby or older child. Of course, she routinely talks about my nieces and nephews as pets that need to be trained, so her comments on children are usually ignored anyway.

I guess what I am feeling the most now is relief. I'm not sure if that is normal, but I feel glad that we have a plan now. There are still many decisions to figure out, but I think this is a good decision for us. I am also feeling anxious to get home so we can start researching the path ahead.

In other news, I spent the weekend reminding myself of good things that come from not being pregnant. First on the list? Spa.ce Moun.tain!

What a day

Yesterday was a very long day. And I'm not sure when it is considered over since I only managed to get 2 hours of sleep. That is more like a nap than a night's sleep.

I made plans with my sister yesterday morning for her to pick up all her kids' presents that our mom has been sending to my house to hide from them. She ended up bringing her good friend, which I was a little disappointed by. Not because I don't like her friend, but I wanted some time for a sisterly chat. After exchanging the presents we went out for coffee. I ended up bringing up what I wanted to talk about anyway. I figured that if we are going to move to adoption, then we have to start talking about it publicly. And actually, one of the things that I feel I will miss with adoption rather than pregnancy is the public sharing of joy in the expectation. So if I want people to start sharing in our joy, then we need to share with them.

My sister told me she told her friend about our fertility issues, but I guess she didn't. Anyway, I brought it up and filled her in quickly and that we were thinking of moving to adoption. They both thought that was a great plan and that not only would we be great parents, but even better have the special abilities it takes to adopt given everything that comes with it. At one point we were all in tears, but in a good way.

They did jump to saying we should adopt from Haiti, which I didn't like. Not that we have ruled that out (we haven't made any decisions yet about types/locations of adoption) but to be honest we are not adopting due to a 'save the world' mentality. We are where we are because we know we are meant to be parents, have much love to give to a child/children, and have reached as far as we are comfortable going with fertility treatment. That we can help a "needy" child (I don't like that term) or save the world from overpopulation are more like bonuses that come with it rather than decision factors. Is that wrong? Does that mean we are not meant to adopt?

We also talked about how our family might react to a child who is adopted, which I'll save for another post.

After this emotional morning, I went into work and exchanged presents with my assistant. I was tempted to tell her more about our IF experience, but didn't because the office was actually pretty packed considering finals are over and students should be heading out for break. And I was glad that I didn't because what did I open but her family Christmas card. Not only did it have her new grandbaby plastered all over it, but it even had pictures of her oldest daughter and baby still in the hospital! She is many months old already, so I don't understand why they are going with an older picture.

AF has not arrived yet, but I have all my usual pre-AF symptoms today and heavy spotting.

What IF

I've hard a time writing this post. Mainly it was emotional procrastination. I don't want to think about this topic. I think I've managed to keep my sanity and continue to live my life by burying these thoughts. But in the spirit of National Infertility Awareness Week, here goes. (deep breath here)

What IF we adopt and I never feel like the child's real mother?

I want to say that just writing that out takes off some of the pressure. But actually it makes me even more scared. Like it feels more certain it would happen. I am not talking so much about not loving the child. I am the type of person who has no trouble loving people and have an immense amount of love to share. But I worry about forming that mother-child bond that (from what I hear, at least) is unique and changes you and changes the relationship with the child. Will I have a mother's intuition? Will the child grow to love me as his/her mother?

That is my biggest anxiety about moving towards adoption. Because even in a closed adoption, adoptive parents have to qualify their relationship to the child. Sure, in most situations you may just introduce yourself as someone's mother. But when push comes to shove, you will have to admit that there are qualifications to your status as a mother. Maybe it will come at a doctor's office during a medical emergency and there are questions about the child's family medical history. Maybe it will come from someone who wonders why you are claiming this dark-skinned child as your own. Maybe it will come many years later when you are sitting with a group of women and the conversation turns to pregnancy or childbirth horror stories. There is that qualification to be made. Explanations to be given. The child is adopted. You are not a mother in the same way that most women are a mother.

What if I can never overcome the thought that I have to share my role as mother?

I flash forward to the first few weeks with the child and how overwhelming it will be. Rationally I know all new mothers and fathers feel overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. But when you have sole claim of motherhood, few will have the ability to say you are doing things wrong (other than our own mothers, of course, who always feel like they can tell us what to do--more on this in a moment). Will I be looking over my shoulder and wondering if the birth mother would know better what to do?

Or I think about what it might be like when the child goes through the inevitable "I hate my parents" stage. Usually when a rebellious teenager storms off yelling they wish you weren't their mother, it is all theoretical. There is not really another mother they might be thinking of, someone else who might lay a claim and be a real life alternative to what they might want in a mother. How will I deal with my child's wish to have a closer relationship to their birth mother in an open adoption situation? Or if we choose the closed adoption route and my now grown child wants to track down the birth mother? What if I despite all I offer to my child, he or she still feels something is missing and tracks down this other mother?

And then I flash forward to thinking if we adopt a daughter and she eventually has children of her own. What if I can't offer her the advice or reassurance she is looking for if I was never pregnant or went through childbirth? Can I truly fulfill the motherly duties at this crucial time if I never went through it?

Mel's directions for NIAW (for which you can find the rest of posts here), tell us to end the post with a positive "What IF". I guess I can push myself and ask what if all this worry is about nothing? But to tell the truth, that seems like a cliche to me right now. This shows another key aspect of those suffering with IF. Sometimes we can't find the positive side of where we are. This is why reminding us to enjoy sleeping in or traveling is so hard to hear. We go through dark times. This community is a blessing because it brings light and hope for these dark times, just as I try to hold on to the hope when others are going through their dark phase. But I don't like the idea that we have to be forced to find the light. It is not wrong to be sad. I see the goal as finding peace in the sadness and not letting it define our lives, rather than trying to erase the sadness.

Resolve has more information about infertility and information about NIAW.

RE appt today

I have an appt with my RE today. After several rounds of clomid and then femara, we are ready to move on to IUI. We've talked about this a lot and know it is what we want to do. But still I'm nervous and hesitant. Logically I know that it will likely be a while before we actually do the IUI and that we've been in this for a long time already, but emotionally it feels so sudden and like such a big step.

I think my hesitation is also due to my fears that it won't work. The planner that I am, I'm already thinking through the next several steps. DH and I both don't feel comfortable with IVF and the idea of having our embryos just hanging around. So right now our plan is that if IUI doesn't work, we will move on to adoption. But then this feels so final as well. What if it doesn't work? Will I be able to face our options then? As we get closer I already have had some different thoughts in my head about IVF. For example, would we think differently if we agree to eventually transfer all embryos? But then wonder I if these second thoughts are just my way to find a rationalization for something I'm not that comfortable with. I know there is a big difference between IUI and IVF both in terms of intensity of the experience and everything entailed. But still I lump them together. The funny thing is, I don't think my worries are that related to the real concern of multiples. I know DH is worried about that. I'm more focused on the fear of what if it doesn't work and what do we do then?

On another note, there is one reason I'm looking forward to this appointment. At our last appointment, she told me it would help if I lost weight, even if I lost 10 pounds. Well, I did that. Actually, I lost 15 pounds since then, but stress-related eating due to a busy period at work and Halloween candy put me back at a net of 11 pounds. I know other people have noticed. Let's hope my dr does as well.

Same sex couples and infertility

As some of you may know, I am a political junkie. I love politics and policy and yearn for the day when good policy actually makes for good politics (unfortunately that is all too rare).

Anyway, I follow many political blogs. The past several days the local political blogosphere in my city has been filled with talk of adoption by same sex couples. There are various proposals to make it illegal. I am a big proponent of equality for same sex couples. My mother is gay and so having been raised by a lesbian and seeing the difference between my mother and her partner and my dad and stepmom, it makes me mad when people argue that as a rule one couple is better/healthier/more natural than the other. Or that one set of my parents would automatically raise me better. Sure, I've had some of the usual stepchild-stepparent tensions with my mom's partner (you know, a little jealousy with losing the "smartest person in the family" label). But compared with my actual stepmother locking me out of her house when I went to visit my dad, it kinda gives you a different perspective on what family composition is healthier.

But yesterday I got a little obsessed with a particular blog post on this topic. And I think it has to do with our IF. See, there are two parts to the argument opponents of same-sex couples adopting that make me particularly sensitive to how they might also apply to couples struggling with IF. One, if nature doesn't think you should parent, then maybe you should listen. And two, the whole thing is more about giving the adults the life they want and not what is best for kids. Let's take these in turn.

First, one very common argument against same-sex couples adopting is that it is not natural. If God doesn't think two men or two women should be parents, then why should anyone else? (I'm not going to get into the whole separation of church and state thing here b/c my point is more about whether these arguments apply to infertile couples in addition to same sex couples.) At one point, this particular blog (which I won't link to b/c I don't want to send people there) said that it is "profoundly obvious" that couples that can't reproduce naturally have no business being parents.

I'm a person of faith. While I don't believe that God is moving us around like pieces on a checkerboard and organizing everything in our lives, I do think that our lives take a certain shape because God is present. So this is a hard thing for me to think about. Is God trying to send us a message that maybe we shouldn't be parents? Are our attempts to get pregnant through technology just a way to ignore this message?

There are a lot of shades of gray in my husband's and my journey with IF. So you could make the argument that we can reproduce, it's just very unlikely we would do so naturally. But what about my friends who have no usable eggs? Or my friends with husbands who have zero sperm? The truth is, I'm not sure how much difference people see between a same sex couple that can't reproduce and a hetero sex couple that can't reproduce. I mean, if you compare a lesbian couple to a couple with azoospermia, their basic reproductive difficulty is the lack of sperm between the two of them. So why do we say that one is fit to parent and the other is not?

This is not just an academic argument. Luckily I have not experienced this personally, but I know many of my IF friends have had people say straight out that maybe they are just not meant to be parents or maybe they should just listen to the message that nature/God is sending them and focus on something other than parenthood. And if I'm honest with myself, I've thought that in the deepest part of my brain.

And this is where we get to the second argument against same sex couples adopting that I think is tied to IF. Is the whole endeavor just about attaining our vision of what we want in life and the children involved just playthings for us? As expressed by opponents of same sex couples adopting, this is about gay rights, not about what is best for the children. While I don't agree that same sex couples are by definition less fit to be parents (and so the "it's not best for the children" is a red herring), I do see some truth to this argument. I am after all thinking of doing IUI and/or adopting because I want to be a mother. I don't like to think too much about the negative aspects of IUI (such as what happens if there are too many babies and thus the consequences for their health). And when I think of adopting, I think of bringing home a cute little newborn and say how great it is that I'm helping a kid in need. I don't think about adopting a toddler or older or a kid with special needs who are truly the children in need of good homes.

So part of me wonders that my passion for defending same sex couples in their ability to adopt stems from my own insecurities about IF and what it means for me. Should I listen to the message that maybe I'm not meant to be a mother? If I don't (because truly I don't want to), am I putting my own wants ahead of what is best for children? Regardless of what you think about same sex couples adopting, how do you all work through these questions?