I'm sure many of you know how hard it can be to see our siblings have children. As much as I love my nieces and nephews and am happy for my siblings, they can still make me fall apart. But the thing is for me, it varies by sibling.
My older sister is the closest in age to me; only two years older. Truth be told, growing up I always imagined we would have kids around the same age and the cousins would all play together. It didn't quite work out that way as she got married almost right out of high school and had three kids pretty quickly. I had just barely started dating DH when the third was born and I was in no position to think of having a baby as a real thing that I would do. Those older three are of course dear to me, but they don't bring up the same emotions of sadness and envy that are so familiar to all of us with IF. It is her youngest that brings these feelings up the most out of her kids. It was his birth that got me and DH thinking of children as something in our someday future to something that could be reality. And as he is growing quickly, I am reminded of how long it has taken us.
My younger sister's daughter was heartbreaking to me. She is adorable and of course I am happy for them, but still I cried myself to sleep the night my niece was born. This sister is 6 years younger than me, they married after we did, and made a very public announcement of when they would start TTC so it was apparent they had no problems. As we had already started trying by then, I see this niece as the one that could have been mine. I could have a toddler by now; a little girl who is starting to talk and makes funny faces and likes to sing. My sister recently quit her job to be a stay at home mother and they are in the process of buying a house, so I am bracing myself for when they will announce she is pregnant again.
One brother is in Afghanistan right now, so I don't think there is much opportunity there for him to make a baby.
And then there is my baby brother. Although our age difference has kept us from being too close, he has a special place in my heart. See, when my younger siblings were real little, the three older kids (myself, my older sister, and a relative our age who lived with my dad and stepmom) would take care of the three younger ones. Since the numbers worked out, we split them up. I would take charge of my baby brother. So I always feel like I have to look out for him.
Yesterday he announced he is getting married. To a woman who already has a three year old. I'm happy for him and glad he has her in his life. But now even my littlest brother will be a parent before me. Sigh.
Dancing in the Rain…
5 years ago
Oh my goodness! I know so very much, how you feel! I am soo glad I stumbled across your blog. I have 2 older sisters, the oldest has been married for like 12 years and she has 2 children. One is about 8 and one is about 3. I was an older teen when she had her first but going through that process was when I knew I wanted to have children. I got married in 04, haven't been on birth control since, TTC, diagnosed with PCOS..etc, etc. My middle sister is only 3 years older than me and she has a 1 1/2 year old. She had her not long after my oldest sister had her second. It felt like a complete slap in the face though because she got pregnant by some guy she didn't even know from a party and wasnt ready for a baby and wasnt even sure she was going to keep it when she first found out. Anyhow, all this to say that there is a big wall between us, at least in my heart...Today there was a big family get together and she was there and brought my niece, who is beautiful and adorable in every kind of way...but its just hard. There were alot of new babys at this get together as it was for extended family...It's like I look forward to seeing everyone and then as soon as I get there and see all the babys I start to feel depressed, panicky(not sure if thats a word), and bad. I mean i just feel myself plummet inside and all i want to do is turn back to my truck and leave the way i came and come home and cry my eyes out. Anyhow, i've probably written too much...I'm new to blogging and am just amazed at how soo many other people share my feelings..thankyou for being open in your post sincerely, Evie
ReplyDeleteI hear you, Missy! My sister and I were very close all through high school and college. But when she got married and had her kids right away, things really changed. I wasn't in any way ready to have kids yet, but I knew I wanted them someday. When we started having problems she was the one who made the comments about kids being so much work and not all they're cracked up to be. It's totally changed our relationship, and I don't know if it will ever get back to where it was.
ReplyDeleteI am the oldest of 4. My sister who is 14 months younger than I has 3 of her own. My brother (6years younger) isn't married/no kids and my baby sister (12 years younger) is in Iraq in the Air Force-not even thinking about marriage or kids right now. My sis who has kids, often tells me "I don't why God let me be the one to be able to have kids and not you. I never wanted kids." She has no idea how much that stabs my heart everytime she says it. I really don't understand why God works that way either. She loves her kids, but a great mother she is not. Her oldest, my 19 year old niece, just announced that she is pregnant a few weeks ago. The baby is due right at Christmas this year. I never thought in a million years the little baby that I held in the hospital 19 years ago would ever get pregnant before me....
ReplyDeleteAnd thus is life.
I do have a 3.5 year old son via adoption who is my very heart and soul. But I fear that as long as I have breath, there is a part of me that will grieve the fact that I was never able to feel life growing inside my own womb.