IVF, Adoption, and Pro-family politics

I am going to wade into some controversial topics, so I hope I can do so without rubbing people the wrong way. I simply ask that you read me through to the end and don't jump to being defensive because it seems I am judging you. I hope that in reading how I am struggling with these issues, you can see that I agree with you on some parts and see how difficult these issues are. I've been thinking a great deal issues of pro-choice politics, contraception, adoption, adoption by same sex couples, infertility treatments, etc. The Komen decision has gotten me and everyone else talking about women's health and family planning. And I had a recent conversation with a group in my church about how Catholics should vote. That has also got me thinking deeply about these issues. My understanding of the Catholic Church's position is that since no politician perfectly matches all Catholic teachings, we have to weigh the good and the bad and inform our conscience about what to do. But still there are issue where it is not that I come to a different conclusion from the church after weighing these things, but that there are some single issues where I disagree with the official church position. And that has got me thinking about what is behind my opinion on these issues. So I want to try to lay out my thoughts.

And let me lay out one thing in advance. I will use the terms pro-choice and pro-life because those are the terms that are out there. But I don't like them as it implies that some people are against life.

I've always been pro-choice. As my husband E once said in reference to my very liberal family, "it would have been hard not to be pro-choice growing up in your family." And truth be told, I was always pro-choice in the "no one is going to tell me what to do with my body" frame of mind. I never really thought about when life began or what the status of an embryo was. In short, I had opinions about these things, but they were not really well thought out beliefs, more of a reaction than anything else.

And so I went along in my life, not really putting too much thought into what an embryo was. Until we were faced with infertility. And then suddenly, this issue became much more important to me. And as E and I discussed our treatment options, we had to figure out what exactly an embryo was. And what it meant to create them in petri dishes and store them for long periods of time or turn them into science experiments. Ultimately, we decided that we could not move forward with IVF for a number of reasons, but one of them was because we did think an embryo as a form of human life. These little groups of cells, whether they were transferred into my uterus or left to freeze, could potentially be our children. And it just didn't seem right to mess around with them in a lab.

And so, it made me question my pro-choice bona fides. I mean, if I was to recognize that these embryos as our potential children, shouldn't I change my mind on a host of other issues having to do with embryos? I entered a period of self-doubt. Was I really pro-life? Or at least less pro-choice than I thought I was?

Now that we are in the adoption journey, I get comments about how wonderful adoption is. I hear people praise adoption as the common ground that pro-choice and pro-life people can find. Isn't it great, they say, that women can choose adoption instead of abortion? I get comments that assume I am pro-life because we are adopting. Shouldn't I want more people to choose adoption over abortion? Yes, of course I do.

But ironically, it has been the process of getting deeper into the adoption community that has reinforced my pro-choice beliefs that flew into doubt with our IF journey. Let me be clear. I don't want abortion to happen. But adoption is not all sunshine and roses, either. The first thing social workers will tell you as you explore adoption is that all adoptions begin with a loss.

And here we get back to the issue of Catholic and politics and trying to weigh various moral issues as a group. There has been an increasing connection between the anti-abortion, anti-contraception, and anti-same sex adoption/marriage crowd. In all the criticism about Komen's decision about Planned Parenthood (and it should be noted that their apology was not really a reversal of their decision), people have highlighted that only 3% of PP services are abortions. While that is true, playing it up overlooks the fact that the pro-life community doesn't like their contraception/STD testing services either. And the same groups that oppose abortion and contraception are also fighting against policies like those in Illinois that require adoption agencies to work with same sex couples. And while probably less so, many are also fighting safety net programs like food stamps, welfare, worker's rights, and health care.

And this is where I've been pushed back into the pro-choice camp as I learn more about what is actually involved in adoption. As I heard about potential situations, I couldn't help but think to myself, somebody get these women on some birth control. There are women who are in no place to raise a child, but yet are having sex and getting pregnant. And we want to tell them that their choices are to parent the child and spend their lives struggling or make an adoption plan and walk around with a piece of their heart missing. And the implications of that choice for the child is to grow up in an environment where the cards are stacked against them from the beginning, or experience the loss that comes with adoption. So, I am very much in favor of expanding access to contraception so that this type of choice doesn't have to be made.

I am at a place now where in a month I will likely say that adoption is the best thing that ever happened to me because it will bring me my son. But it also breaks my heart to know that there are women, such as our birthmother, who see so little hope in their future that the only way for their son to have a shot at a good life is to have someone else raise him. So, I actually want to see fewer adoptions happen if that means that as a society we actually decide to honor life once it is born and give people access to services they desperately need to be able to raise children.

Another way that going through adoption has made me disagree with the Catholic church is about adoption by same sex couples. I've interacted with different types of agencies and think the approach of places like Catholic Charities (at least the one near me) that believe they serve the pregnant woman facing a crisis is better than crisis pregnancy centers that tend to look down on women more for finding themselves in that situation and think of the adoptive parents as the people they serve. Part of it has to do with knowing that adoption is not all sunshine and roses and so I don't necessarily think there should be MORE adoptions. I think they should be done differently. And part of it is that I think pregnant in a tough situation are ill-served by organizations that won't offer you any help once you indicate you don't want to make an adoption plan and are past the point of abortion. So if the Catholic church gets out of the adoption game as they are threatening to do in places like Illinois over adoption by same sex couples, then women in crisis will be be the ones to suffer (not to mention the children they are carrying).

And thinking of those children, I just can't see why we would deny children a loving and stable home if someone is willing to provide it. I mean, there is certainly more than enough heterosexual couples wanting to adopt a healthy White infant. But for other types of children? I am not judging people who had to make certain decisions about the types of situations they will be open to; we've turned down some ourselves. But it's hard for me to see how it is preferable to let older kids or kids with severe health, behavioral, or developmental problems to take their chances in foster care than let them find a forever family just because the parents are of the same gender. There are some wonderful foster families out there, but the system also lets many fall through the cracks and our goal should be to find forever families for these children.

Anyway, I hope I haven't totally offended anyone. These are just some of the thoughts I have swirling around in my head now.

Who to push?

I am trying not to put too many details of our situation on here to protect our son's privacy. But there is one thing I would like feedback on. We have a named birthfather. He is not denying that he is the father. He is, shall we say, difficult. According to our lawyer, the adoption decree won't affect parental rights of anyone other than the three we get consents from (there is also a legal father who everyone acknowledges is not the biological father). So, should anyone turn up at a later date, that could cause some problems. It's not that we don't trust the birthmother is telling the truth, but we obviously don't want something nagging us down the road.

Our lawyer has advised that we either confirm paternity through a DNA test, which requires the birthfather's cooperation, or go the public reporting route. This would be similar to what happens in the case of unknown birthfathers where you post notices in local newspapers saying "hey, if you had sex with this woman around this time in this area, there is an adoption happening." Or something like that. I don't know the actual wording of these notices, but it does involve publicizing the name of the birthmother in her local papers.

I don't want to cause the birthmother any more pain than she is already going through and so adding this embarrassment for her is not something I want to do. On the other hand, it's not clear at all that the birthfather would go along with a paternity test. He is difficult enough without making him question whether he is actually the father. And that in itself can cause problems for the birthmother if he starts questioning her. What would you do?

Down

Thanks for everyone's thoughts on breastfeeding. I think I am going to give it a try, but without taking any supplements. So, now I'm looking into pumps to start getting ready prior to the birth and the lact-aid system to use as a supplement once he is born. Be prepared to learn more about my adventures as this continues...

In other news, I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence the past two days. There is not really anything rational that is putting doubts in my head. But the past week has been a big one in my family. Not one, but two nieces have been born. Both my sister and sister in law were due for babies in February and decided to come a bit early. Of course, I am happy for my siblings and the girls are quite adorable, but this had made me stress about what will happen in our situation. Long-time readers may remember the depression my younger sister's first child left me in. And some those of you who were around 9 months ago may remember the double whammy of getting both pregnancy announcements in one day. So I guess the fact that these births did not leave me in a crying lump on the floor should be seen as an improvement.

But ever since getting the news of my nieces' births, I've found it much harder to hang on to my "positive thinking-stay excited" that I have been using to deal with this period of waiting. I want our son to have the excited, much anticipated welcome that he deserves, so I've pushed the negative "what if" thoughts down to focus on the positive. But now they are bubbling up despite my best efforts.

Deep down, I am scared that this will not turn out the way I hope. I know I use the term "my son," but the truth is that right now he is not. I've given him a name when I have no right to and placed all my hopes and dreams here, but everything can come crashing down again.

Thoughts on breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is something I've been thinking a lot about and can't decide what to do. I thought I decided I would not do it, but now am starting to change my mind. Here are the thoughts swirling around.

1. I am of the mind that breastfeed is what newborns and new moms do. My older sister was only weaned because I came along and my mom breastfeed me until I was 18 months. This is despite the fact that all other people my age were apparently formula fed as babies. All babies I remember being around growing up were breastfed, at least for a while. In fact, I was so used to seeing people breastfeed, I was surprised when I became an adult and started paying attention to parent-type articles in the news that breastfeeding was controversial or something that people thought they had to convince someone to do. I mean, in my world everyone did it. Sure, maybe some people had a more difficult time than others and stopped earlier, but it was the default method of feeding newborns and young babies.

So, yes, I want to breastfeed. The thought of not being able to breastfeed reminds me of all the other things I am not able to do (have a baby with my genes, feel a baby move inside me, give birth, etc.). This is one more thing that separates me from all the other mothers out there. Learning that it may be possible to induce lactation and breastfeed an adopted infant makes me think this can be a way to get back all that I am missing.

2. Inducing lactation is unpredictable. Some people can do it with no problem. Some people never seem to get much milk. There are protocols out there that supposedly help to increase milk supply, but having battled infertility and hormonal treatments for several years now--and all the various herbs, supplements, medicines, protocols and everything that goes along with that--I am ready to be done with hormones and herbal supplements. Especially ones that can have side effects, unknown long-term repercussions, and are not approved for the use to which they are being put. I did that with fertility drugs and don't want to do that again.

3. I tend to get frustrated easily. Having a newborn is already a stressful time. Why do I want to add to that stress by trying something that might now work? Especially given how unpredictable it is?

4. Added to the frustration is the lack of control that is involved in adoption. When I read about general breastfeeding advice, everything says that if there is some reason the baby can't breastfeed right away or there is trouble in the beginning, the important thing is to not give the baby a bottle, but use another method of feeding. Or use special nipples. In general do whatever you can to avoid having the baby become familiar with bottle feeding and get the baby on your breast as quickly and often as possible. I tend to laugh at that when I think about how that advice interacts with adoption. I will likely have zero influence on anything that happens to the baby for the first few days. I don't know how this particular hospital thinks about adoption. Some are supportive, but some are not. Maybe if the nurse is supportive of adoption they might think about me. I am going to be spending those first few days stressing over whether the birthmother changes her mind, not what type of nipple the bottle has.

5. If this was a conversation I was having with a real person, rather than in my head, this is probably the point when someone would tell me that breastfeeding an adopted infant is totally do-able. These obstacles can be overcome. They would bring up all the success stories. I don't doubt the success stories. But I do find it odd that when reading advice about breastfeeding aimed toward adoptive parents, it has a tone that is positive and something that comes naturally and is totally possible no matter what. But breastfeeding advice aimed at pregnant women has the tone of the need to persevere and how to overcome all the difficulties you will encounter and how it is totally common to find it not easy to do at all. Do they not think that we read both of these sets of advice? I mean, if people who are pregnant and have bodies with all the right hormones and start nursing right away and have the ability to dictate to hospitals how a baby should be fed have so many difficulties, isn't it even more difficult with all the added obstacles of adoption?

Preparations

We are super busy getting ready for our son. The induction is scheduled for March 7. In the adoption world, two months seems like a lifetime to prepare. Although compared to women who are pregnant, it is not much. And here's the thing, we have a lot more to do than the average pregnant couple. I've been making statements to family about how busy we are preparing. And the response is always some form of "babies don't really need all that stuff." Yeah, sure, I get that. But it also rubs me the wrong way for two reasons.

One, people don't realize how much extra you have to do for adoption. Yes, I am spending time painting the nursery this week and quilting. But I also spent several hours talking to lawyers in two different states. I also received a long list of documents I need to produce, including some we don't have, such as certified copies of our birth certificates. I also spent time figuring out what hotel we will stay in during our ICPC time. Etc. Etc. And if I have to listen to you complain about how hard it is to be pregnant, you can listen to me complain about dealing with lawyers. Both are things we are perfectly happy to put up with to get the end result, but still in the moment it is frustrating.

And then there is the idea that we shouldn't want the same thing for our son that nearly all mothers want for their children. If a pregnant woman says she is tired because they spent the day painting the nursery, no one comments that she shouldn't have bothered because the baby wouldn't notice it anyway. If I was pregnant and spent 9 months crocheting blankets and hats and booties and making quilts, no one would tell me I was wasting my time because "babies don't really need all that stuff." No, people would be impressed that I spent so much time and energy making something from the heart. If I want to show my love for my son by making him a matching hat and blanket, that's what I will do. I won't have a traditional labor, but these projects are my labor of love.

Letter!!

We have our first letter from the birthmother! This is so exciting. Anything really from her would have been great, but this letter in particular is fantastic. She talked about how hard it was to pick someone and some info on what she is thinking about this pregnancy. It just made my heart soar to read it!

In other news, I was with a group of people who all knew each other better than I knew them. Of the eight, one has a two month old, one just announced her pregnancy, and the third is due right at the same time as our son. So you imagine what the talk focused on. I so wanted to jump in the discussion with what we were doing! It was like this was IF haunting me where I still can't be excited with the average person. So the boost from reading the bm letter is even better after this meeting today!

Agency update

As I mentioned before, the caseworker at the agency was the one thing that was keeping me from being excited. I mean, I'm sure it has to do with having one failed match and not wanting to be disappointed again. But there have been a number of comments by the caseworker that made me question whether this is the type of agency we would choose on our own. She made other comments that gave me some peace, but the others were still weighing heavily.

Tonight we had a long chat over sk.ype with the caseworker and I felt my heart lightening as we spoke. We heard more about the bm and the process by which she contacted the agency and how this caseworker came to be involved. We also heard the story of how she came to choose us. And I feel so much more at peace that she feels she is making a positive choice. Not that this is a piece of cake for her, obviously, but she feels secure in her decision and is not being pressured. I can't tell you how much that lifted this weight from me. And, truth be told, I also felt better when I learned that the state in which the baby will be born requires an independent social worker (not someone from the agency that is involved in this) to have a private talk with the bm before she signs her surrender document to ascertain that she is making an informed and free choice. I did not know about that piece of the process before.

Now that it has been a few days since our match, the bm is still feeling good about us, although is still hesitant to contact us. I wish we could talk to her or even email, but I understand that these types of conversations are awkward. So we will see how things progress.