1ww

I am halfway through the 2ww now. Which I think means I'm just about at the point where I need to get on the crazy train. I've been having imaginary symptoms but of course tried to brush them off because it was too early to be real. Now that it's a little possible to be a real symptom, I'm agonizing over every twinge. The only thing that has been different from previous cycles is that my left breast is itching like crazy. Since Wednesday night. I can barely stand it at times. Otherwise they are not really sore or sensitive; and I do get sensitive breasts as a pre-AF thing, but usually not this far before AF. And today I have been super hungry. I ate the first part of my lunch at 10:00 and by 2:00 I had to go home because I was out of food at work and was still hungry (OK, there was also a big snowstorm, so that was part of it).

But then I told DH about my itchy breast and hunger and I was hoping it was an early symptom. He said he has also been unusually hungry today. My response? "How sweet, you are sympathy pains!" Although his breast has not been itching. Maybe we just need to eat a bigger dinner tonight.

Mothers

I'm debating what to tell my mom about our IUI. We had promised to keep our families informed of our progress if they would not bring it up unless we did. OK, my mom has not kept her end of the bargain at all. Not at all! But the end result is that we told her during her Christmas visit in general terms that we were planning on doing an IUI soon. She asked about it last week and I fudged, saying that was still in our plans, but didn't say anything that it was planned for that week. I'm expecting her to ask about it again soon. I feel like I should tell her something more concrete, but am thinking of giving a little lie that we will do it this week. My thinking is that then we should have a good week's head start before she starts asking about results.

Complicating this is that she is coming for another visit in 3 weeks. At which point I'm sure she will want to know every detail and it will be harder to fudge than on the phone. I also told my sister, who has been great about this (aside from the occasional comment when her kids are being a pain that I can have one of hers). DH has not told his parents anything, so they will need to be updated sometime before my mom's visit as we are all having a big get together.

Small groups

If you had told me five years that I would be part of a small group faith sharing community, I would not have believed you. If you had told me I would be providing testimony in my church about the benefits of this small group, I would have laughed you out of the room.

But life and faith are funny in many ways and this morning DH and I found ourselves standing up in front of our church giving testimony. Our church is trying to get more people to sign up for small faith sharing groups and asked us to speak to recruit the younger crowd. I did chuckle to myself a little when the organizer spoke after us and said they will put you in whatever type of group you want. I chuckled because when we first signed up for a small group, we requested a group of young couples or young professionals. People at our stage of lives.

That is not what we got at all. At our first meeting, we both sat there thinking, "why are we in this group" and "we don't fit in at all." Over time we got to know them and the people in the group are really great, so please don't misunderstand me. There were moments of frustration when they called us "kids" and seemed surprised that we would be old enough to have a professional career and own a house. We are definitely at a different life stage of the other members and thought that we would have been better off with people more our age.

But, again, life and God are funny at times. We started this group about 18 months ago. About 6 months ago, our church started a social group of young couples. See, we don't really fit in with them, either. We are Catholic and while not everyone adheres to everything the Catholic church says about family planning (we certainly haven't), by the time couples have been married for as long as we have in the church, they transition from "young couples" to "young parents." The young couples group is filled with people who have been married for 3, 9, 15 months. There has already been a pregnancy announcement.

So maybe our seemingly misplacement in a group with older couples was just what we needed after all. Today there was also a baptism introduction during mass and it was hard for me. I wanted to be up there and wondered when/if we would ever get our turn. That's why I think our group is just perfect for us. We can talk about the sacrament of baptism and focus on our baptism, or what it means to be godparents. We don't talk about baptizing our own children. So our slightly older group is a nice respite for us. A place where we can for once not focus on this stage of life and our inability to transition out of it.

Walking

After resting yesterday, today I am back to my half-marathon training. I walked 4 miles today. It took me a little over an hour, so that is a pretty good pace. The coaches said today that they want us to go no more than 18 minutes a mile, and I was definitely above that. One thing I like about this training is that it is getting me up and out of the house early. My plan was to stop by the jewelry store afterward to pick up a necklace that was getting fixed and even though I chatted a bit and took my time after finishing, when I got to the shopping center everything was still closed. I just had to wait about 10 minutes for things to open, so it wasn't that bad.

We finally took down our outdoor Christmas lights today. I know, I know, this was way late. But we haven't been turning them on and previously took down everything we could without a ladder. Today was just the row of icicle lights along the gutter and upstairs window. It was the first weekend when it was above 15 degrees and not raining, so that was our excuse!

I was talking with DH about his experience for the IUI yesterday. It was funny b/c he complained more about the magazines in the general waiting room than in his special room. I guess they updated the offerings in the collection room. But all the magazines in the general waiting room were female-oriented so he wished they had a sports magazine or something to pass the time. I can see his point, but was also like, "look, I have to scrounge around for the one magazine that is not pregnancy or baby oriented, so you my options aren't much better."

IUI done!

Well, it's done. I was pretty excited/nervous leading up to it. DH went earlier to make his deposit and then I did some shopping before my appointment. I needed some retail therapy. Have I mentioned how odd this clinic is? Well, it is located on the second floor of a mall. So you see all the outside mall stores on the first floor and then go inside and directly up the escalator to the hospital clinics. They even give you a pager like at a restaurant with the thinking that you could go shopping after you check in. In practice that doesn't really seem to work, since it seems by the time you would get to the first floor, the pager would go off.

Anyway, I did some shopping for craft supplies and then met DH to have lunch at the mall/hospital before my appointment. Everything went well, although I had to wait a long time with only the hospital sheet on and was starting to get cold. Once the doctor came in, the whole process lasted about 5 minutes, was slightly painful for about 30 seconds, and then I laid there for about 10 minutes while we prayed and talked.

The doctor was concerned that I had such bad side effects from the clomid, so we will monitor that if I have to do another cycle.

The concentration was 74 million, total count of 222 million. Motility was only 19%, but I'm hoping that with over 40 million motile sperm (pre-wash), we are OK. I've read that you need at least 10-20 million motile sperm, so with that we appear to be good.

Now it's on to waiting. There is always more waiting. We are debating what to tell our parents. My mom will be asking next week. I'm thinking of telling her we will do it on Wednesday or something so she will feel involved but not press for questions until after we will know the results. I go back for progesterone check on Friday.

Night before

I feel like I should go out and get drunk tonight since starting tomorrow I'll be in the 2ww. Maybe this is my last night of freedom? I guess it's a good sign that I'm thinking this as it means I have hope this cycle will work. Hope is a good thing, right?

I'm taking tomorrow mostly off even though technically I'm able to go back to normal activities right away. I figure I need it for mental reasons if not for anything else.

Hmm, 3 posts in one day, can you tell I'm getting anxious and excited?

Follicle update

Last night as we were going to bed, I found myself feeling scared and worried. I was surprised at these feelings as I was not anxious leading up to this appointment, but last night and this morning it hit me hard. What happened today could have ripped my current source of hope away and leave me with nothing. The ultrasound tech was quiet as she went about her business, not really giving me any comments on what she was seeing. She did say what physically she was doing (e.g., "I'm looking at the left ovary now") and I found myself rising and falling wondering what each statement might mean for our chances. She spent a lot of time looking at the right ovary, so that's a good sign, right? Oh no, she's measuring again on the left side, we are going to have to cancel!

Luckily all that worry was for nothing. Once I was able to talk to the nurse, everything went well. I had a couple follicles on both sides, although the biggest was on the right. That was what we were hoping, so I had the trigger and tomorrow we are going in for the IUI.

This was also my first time with the special ultrasound wand and it was not as bad as I was expecting. The tech first showed it to me and said where it would go, and I'm thinking, "how is that long thing going to fit in there?"

DH goes in to do his thing first thing in the morning and my appointment is two hours later. I've been wondering if I should buy him something for some inspiration. He said the office's magazine supplies aren't that great. But I'm a little worried that it would just make him more nervous about it.

I also wasn't expecting that our appointments would be so far apart. I know it has to go through the semen wash, but I had pictured in my head that we would at least participate in these appointments together. Depending on how much time he can take off work, he is still going to come to my appointment for the IUI. I guess I have this old-fashioned belief that my husband should at least be in the room when I get impregnated.

It's on!

We are all set to go. HCG trigger done, IUI tomorrow. I'll update more when I am home.

ICLW

Welcome ICLWers!

I'm Missy and have been at this conceiving thing for over 18 months. It has been a frustrating journey so far as we've had diagnoses dangled in front of us and then by the next visit it is not a problem. So basically we are officially unexplained but there have been several explanations along the way.

ICLW comes at an exciting time for us as we are easing our way into treatment. Right now we are smack in the middle of our first IUI, most likely happening on Friday. So come along and join in the journey with me.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is big day for deciding whether we will go forward with the IUI. Since my left tube is likely blocked, if the dominant follicle is on the left, we may cancel and just try on our own. But we will see what happens tomorrow and how things stand. I thought I would be more excited, but now I just want to get it done and move on to the next stage.

Cycle update

I thought this cycle would be a piece of cake given that I've already used clomid for timed cycles before. I'm not sure why, the side effects were much worse this time. I had headaches all week and felt dizzy several days. That seems to have passed now, although I'm still having some light headaches. But now I just have to wait. Thursday I go in to check my follicles and see if the leading follicle is on the right or left. Possible trigger on Thursday and then IUI on Friday. And then more waiting.

My mom called me today. After chatting for a few minutes, she asked about our "procedure." We had told her before we were moving forward with this in a general sense, but not that it is this week. I lied and told her it would be in a few weeks.

How things change

DH and I were married in the Catholic church. Part of the process is going through pre-marital counseling to get the marriage off to a good start and make sure we discuss important matters about our life together. There were a couple different activities that was a part of this preparation, such a workshop with other engaged couples. That workshop included personality tests and a nun talking about the role of sex in marriage. I'll let you imagine how odd that part was.

Another thing we did was take this test called Focus. We each separately answered many pages of questions about our lifestyles, families, plans for the future, careers, friends, personal priorities, values, etc. Then we were paired with an older couple who walked us through our responses and facilitated a discussion on the areas where we disagreed.

It was a good experience and we had a chance to talk about some issues we had not previously discussed, like the roles we envisioned ourselves taking in the marriage or how our own family backgrounds might affect who we are as a spouse. I kept the printout we were given with all our answers. Filed it away just in case there was ever a need or desire to look at it again.

Over 5 years later, such a need arose (we've been married less than 5 years, but completed this while engaged). We are in a small group with other members of our church and have been having a series of discussions on the sacraments in the church. The next topic up is marriage. As I was thinking of what we might talk about, I decided to get out our Focus responses and take a look at what the church's message about marriage might be from this questionnaire. It was very enlightening not so much about marriage as a sacrament, but how much we have changed in these past five years.

As DH and I went through our responses, we remembered where we were in our relationship then. There was his good friend that I was not fond of. His desire for more alone or quiet time. We had a good laugh that he disagreed with the statement that my family would interfere in our relationship. He knew my mother so little then (I agreed-I knew she would try to take over). Other things have not changed. Despite both deepening our faith, we both still believe in public schools and prefer to send children there rather than to Catholic schools.

And then we came across this statement: Would accept if you were not able to have children.

I cannot remember what I thought when I read that statement over 5 years ago. Having kids was an abstract concept at that point (although we discussed having them eventually). Not being able to conceive was even more abstract. I must have recognized that yes, some people were not able to get pregnant. But that is such a small percentage; hardly anyone, I must have thought. Or did I think "well, some people are just not meant to be parents"? Could I have fathomed what it actually meant to be in this position? Or maybe I didn't think anything at all about it and just gave an answer so I could skip on to something more relevant.

We both agreed back then. Do we agree now? I don't know. I don't want to accept it. I don't accept it now. Will I have to accept it someday?

Giuliana and Bill

Have you heard about this new reality TV show with Giuliana and Bill? I'm a fan of Clean House on Style and while watching it one day, saw an ad for the second season of this reality show. It follows the life of this cute married couple: Giuliana (hereafter referred to as G) and Bill. G is apparently an entertainment news person. I had never heard of her before. Bill was the first winner of Donald Trumps Apprentice.

If you like to get your entertainment with a little bit of intellectual stimulation thrown in, then this show is not for you. G is vapid, cutesy, and annoying. Bill plays the straight man to her craziness. If you want to not think and just laugh at stupid antics for your entertainment, then you might want to give this show a try. You might be able to tell, the general thrust of the show is not for me. Not that every show should be as complex as Lost, but she can't seem to take anything seriously.

Including infertility. Which is how I became interested in watching the show. The season premiere previews were hyping up their baby making adventures and it appears this will be the topic of the season. Episode 1 they babysat for a friend to see if they are fit to be parents. Even though the demands of the baby meant she was not able to study up for some award show red carpet walk, G decided she is ready for a baby (because, let's face it, how much studying do you need to do to ask what designer someone is wearing?).

Episode 2 they saw a doctor about fertility. They never said how long they were trying, just that it was taking longer than they expected. Despite the fact that the whole show is a bunch of crazy antics and stupid comments (including G prancing around in maternity underwear), I found it a pretty honest portrayal of what a couple with IF would experience, at least in the early stages. They go to the doctor and get tests run. Sex becomes something to schedule and stress about. They are confused, unsure, frustrated. These feelings come out most in the interviews they do rather than the reality footage. But they are there. While I don't wish IF on anyone, I find myself really hoping they have a long struggle with IF just so viewers can see what happens.

The one aspect that I don't relate to is that they tell everyone they see about their difficulties (OK, that, and G's reaction when she was told she needs to gain 5 pounds to help their chances; it might be worth watching the show just for that). G's assistant is enlisted to schedule when they should have sex. They bring it up immediately with a couple on a double date and find out that couple has been trying for several years. They even tell the guy selling magazines that they need Hustler so Bill has some inspiration for his part of the testing. These people have a real oversharing problem. Of course, I wouldn't ever put my life on national television, so I guess the oversharing thing was already a given.

Despite my surprise at how open they are with everyone they meet about their difficulties conceiving, I find it refreshing. What a concept, to think of IF as something to mention in everyday conversation. Not something that should be whispered, hidden, mentioned only among the two of us. Why is this such a taboo topic? If we could find a way to talk about it, make it normal, maybe more women and couples won't feel like they are going through this alone. I find myself thinking of G and Bill's friends who have been trying for several years and wondering how many (or more likely how few) of their friends have been willing to talk about this with them. Or how many would change the topic or forget about it or think it is best if it wasn't mentioned at all. Like if we didn't talk about it, it would just go away.

But IF doesn't go away for the couples who live it everyday. And not talking about it might just make more couples feel they are broken or not normal, rather than part of a community. Could you imagine a world where we opened up conversations about IF that didn't devolve into octomom gossip? Maybe we can crack this taboo and feel normal again. And that leaves me thinking G and Bill have something to offer us after all.

Baby shower gift grab

It's bad enough to get an invitation to a baby shower. It's even worse when it is clear that the invite is solely a grab for a gift. And even worse that it is from someone who herself had some IF issues. I just can't believe how rude that is!

I don't know much about DH's cousin's IF. All I know is that they got married a few years before us and when my MIL told us she was pregnant, she mentioned they had tried to get pregnant for a couple years, did some IF treatment, and then gave up and a few months later got pregnant. I don't know if my MIL has told her sister about our IF struggles. Or if this news has traveled on down to the cousin.

But the problem is I don't even know the cousin! We met once, at the funeral of DH's grandmother, where I had to rush out because it happened to be the weekend we were moving across the country and I had to meet the moving truck. So imagine my surprise when I open the mail and see a baby shower invite. To a shower 4 states away for a person I met once briefly. WTH? Who does that? Can you make it any more obvious that you want lots of gifts?

Clomid started

Well, the clomid round has begun. I have my monitoring appointment for next Thursday. It seems like so far away right now, but hopefully my marathon training and work will help the time pass quickly. My RE also gave me the green light for the marathon training, as long as I don't overdo it and go easy on the day I ovulate. That sounds like a good plan for me and I'm already planning on taking a day off work.

I also had lunch with my good friend who has gone through IF herself and still going through trying to figure out what to do now. I didn't mention to her today, but I should actually thank her for helping me stay on track with my meds. Last night I was all snug in bed ready to fall asleep, all thoughts of clomid far from my mind for once. And then I started thinking of what I had going on today and remembered our lunch plans. I immediately shot up and took my meds. That was a close call!

We got to talking about IVF, embryos, and adoption, and my friend brought up the idea of embryo adoption. This was not something I had ever thought of before, but now I can't stop thinking about it.

I also looked into the fertility program at our center for integrative health here. Their next workshop is not until February, so I figure I'll sign up now and cancel if this cycle works. I also noticed that they offer accupuncture there, which I've been thinking of trying. Anybody have experience with that they could share?

Book challenge

One thing I want to do is read more for fun. So Kristin's book challenge sounds like a great idea. I'm going to pick a goal of reading 36 books, which is 3 a month and sounds achievable without being easy.

Here is a list of books I want to read. Most of them come from the book club I am in.

1. Babylon Rolling (Boyden)
2. The Lacuna (Kingsolver)
3. The Help (Stockett)
4. A Mercy (Morrison)
5. Outliers (Gladwell)
6. Handle with Care (Picoult)
7. Mornings on Horseback (biography on Teddy Roosevelt)
8. The Jungle (Sinclair)
9. Ted Kennedy autobiography
Others?

3 miles in the snow

I just finished my first training for the half marathon. We walked 3 miles in 17 degree weather and light snow! It actually wasn't as bad as that might sound. They gave us hand warmers and I put them in my shoes instead. That made all the difference.

I am also being open to people about why I'm doing this. In some ways I feel out of place because most people are motivated due to themselves or someone close to them who has/had cancer and they want to fundraise for it. But I just need a goal to accomplish in case I can't reach my other goal. I told some of the women I was walking with today about my reasons and it felt great to be so open about it. Although it is easier since I don't interact with these people at work or in other situations. One woman even reminded me about the support at the integrative health center they have here. She goes there for non-IF related support, but knows they have IF stuff as well. I heard about it several months ago and decided to do it once we started IUI and then forgot.

The rest of the day should be good as well. We are going to buy some new dressers. Very exciting to get something new for our house.

It's On! (x 2)

Today marks the start of our first IUI cycle. I'm excited to finally be here. Clomid starts on Sunday.

Unless I hear otherwise from my doctor, tomorrow marks the start of my training to walk a half marathon in April. There is a group at my job that is doing this, not really anyone I know, but it still got me interested. My weight loss has stagnated since late summer, so I feel like I need a change. I also feel like I need a goal to work towards. I have spent the past two years putting things off and not trying to achieve things because in the back of my mind I thought I would be pregnant soon. I feel like I haven't really accomplished much during this time. Maybe I will have to quit the half marathon if I do get pregnant. But if I'm still not pregnant by April, at least I will have another accomplishment waiting for me right around the corner.

Show and Tell: Sushi

My sister gave us sushi plates and knives for my birthday. She thought there was a sushi mat included, but there was not. We searched for a sushi mat (OK, we didn't search very hard) but didn't find one. Until DH managed to find one for my Christmas present! So now we have a complete sushi kit. And here is what we did with it:





We made three kinds of sushi: California rolls (crab sticks, avocado, and cucumber) and two veggie rolls (cream cheese, cucumber, and avocado and scallion, green pepper, and zucchini). We weren't going to try to do anything with raw fish, so this was pretty simple.

Here are a few action shots:





It was much easier to make than we expected. I thought this was something you had to train to do for years and your first attempt would be disaster. But we stuck to some easy recipes and good directions (find them here). It was a lot of fun, too.

This is International Blog Delurking Week. I know there are some of you lurking here and I would love to get to know you better. Leave a comment and tell me if you ever had or made your own sushi. What type of sushi do you like?

And, this is my first time participating in Show and Tell. Go to Mel's place to find out what others are showing.

Goal

I'm not really one to make New Year's resolutions. Mine are usually the same-old, same-old, be healthier, less stress, etc. And usually after a week or two, dropped one by one until by the end of the year I can't even remember what it was I resolved to do.

This year I am going to set one goal for myself. (OK, well, except for that other big goal I hope we can accomplish this year). I want to find a way to wean us from canned soup. We eat canned soup regularly. It is a quick, easy, and so I thought until recently, healthy meal. The problem is that most canned soup (and usually the boxed kind too) have high levels of BPA due to the lining of the can/box that leaches into the food. Our favorite brand, Progresso, is one of the biggest perpetrators of this. We are not going cold turkey on canned soup, but I want to look into what we can do to make batches of soup on our own to store for later use. I might look into whether this can be done with canning as we have no room for a second freezer. And it might take a few tries until we can kind a few homemade soups that we like (I tried to make soup once and it was a bland failure). So that is my goal for this year. Maybe not simple, but not a pass/fail endeavor either.