Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Our meeting

Short update: our meeting went very well! We will know more in a couple of days.

Here's the longer story:

When I came home from work, the hubby was not home and I was panicking that today of all days he gets home late. I called him and he reminded me that he did get to work late since we are in the process of getting more life insurance (checking off the list of things expectant parents need) and had a physical this morning. He made it home in plenty of time for our call.

I talked to the caseworker for a few minutes to get more information about the potential birthmother. I am not going to go into details here, but one thing I will share is that she is parenting a son who is only 7 months old. So the two children will be very close in age. The two children have different fathers. We received a list of questions that the birthmother had for us this afternoon and after talking to the caseworker we talked about how we would answer the questions. So there we were, practicing answers to questions in a way that made us seem normal and unrehearsed...

Yeah, it was a bit awkward and we were both nervous and excited. Our nerves got worse when the call ended up being about 40 minutes late. It was also a bit awkward b/c rather than us talking directly with the birthmother, the caseworker asked us the questions and she kind of led the conversation. I wished the caseworker would just let us talk, but then we were all nervous so it may have been for the best that someone was taking charge. We did get a chance to talk more informally at the end and that allowed us to learn more about the birthmother as a person rather than just a pregnant woman choosing adoption. I actually think we had quite a few things in common, such as a love of reading and education. And we had both moved from high stress states to the south and enjoy the slower pace.

We do seem to have similar ideas about open adoption. We want to exchange letters and pictures and have it be a real two-way exchange, not just that we send things to her. But we want the child to be able to know who her birthmother is (and her son) and eventually read letters from her as well. We also would like 1-2 visits a year. That seemed to be what the birthmother wants as well. That was definitely a good sign.

We talked about our extended families and how we envision raising a child from a different race. The types of things we envision doing with her. Our jobs, our family traditions, ideas about schooling. It definitely seemed like she had thought through some important issues.

After we got off the phone, the caseworker spoke to the birthmother for a little while and then called us. It was a very positive report. The caseworker herself thought we had great answers and was surprised when we said it was our first time talking to a prospective birthparent. The caseworker had shown the birthmother several profiles and she picked out two to talk to. She is talking to the other family tomorrow and we should hear something in the next few days. The next steps are likely to be an in-person visit, although I think at that point if we meet her it will be as the "chosen" couple.

There are a few things that concern us. One is that the two children will be less than one year apart and I just wonder if there are any increased risks if the mother's body did not have time to heal after giving birth before getting pregnant again. The other thing is that her family does not know she is pregnant and she does not want them to find out. So it makes me worried about what will happen if her family finds out and is not happy. I was happy to hear that she wants us in the delivery room, but on the other hand would feel better if she she had a support system there, too.

Oh! I almost forgot to mention that she is expecting a girl!


  1. Wow!! This sounds so good!!! You sound like you did a great job:)
    I don't know about the whole short intervals between pregnancy thing, but if that's the only medical issue, I'd say that's great!
    Sounds like you connected the best you could in a difficult situation. Fingers crossed!!!

  2. So happy to hear it went well! I could hear the pre-phone call nerves through your words, and it made me imagine just how nerve wracking that will be! Eek! Way to go :)

    This is really exciting - thinking of you as you wait these next few days! When is she due?


  3. Our birthmother had a 5 month old when she got pregnant with our son. In our case, BM was not taking care of herself. SHe didn't drink nor do drugs, but she was a heavy smoker. A was born at 29 weeks-largely due to a big blood clot between the placenta & uterus and she would not stay on bed rest (reality just couldn't allow it-she had 4 other children with no help at the time at all). At any rate, A's 'sister' is exactly 1 year & 2 days older than him (because of him being a preemie). Up until she went into labor at 29 wks, she & the baby were fine. She was in labor/in the hospital long enough to get steroid shots for A's lungs and he only spent 6 weeks in the NICU with no problems whatsoever. I got to be there for it all. It was simply amazing. A will be 5 this year and is in perfect health (except seasonal allergies). His BM (who happens to be my cousin) is still in good health as well. A was her 4th & last baby.
    Crossing my fingers that this will work out for you guys! Adoption is amazing!

  4. One of the '4' kids she was taking care of while she was pregnant with our son was another cousin's daughter (who was incarcerated). Just to clarify:-)

  5. Wow!!! I am so excited for you:)I think as long as the BM is healthy and has a good diet there aren't too many problems with pregnancies close together. Many people have them some even by choice and end up having very healthy pregnancies and babies. Your ideas of open adoption sound so good and how great that she is on the same page:)

  6. It sounds like a very positive phone call and that this is a real possibility! So happy that the call went well and that your views about the definition of 'open' are in line. I wouldn't worry about the spacing too much - you will control her health from day 1 and that will matter most!


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