Friday, June 4, 2010


When I first started blogging, I was hesitant to comment on blogs written by women who have been TTC for much longer than we have. Partly it was my own insecurity; I wasn't sure what I could offer to someone so far down the road. But I had also read a few blogs where people said they didn't appreciate comments from newbies on this journey, stating you can't understand what it is like to be 5 years into an IF diagnosis (or non-diagnosis) if you are only at month 6 or so. I figured it was better to not comment than to rile someone else accidentally.

So it is with some irony that I think about some events of the past few days. A couple that we were friends with in our previous city a few years ago recently moved to our current city. We were pretty excited when we heard because we like this couple a lot. It was a little disheartening to hear they would be moving with their new baby, but such is my life now. I was finally able to touch base with my friend after she settled in a bit and we met up for coffee (decaf of course for me) after work the other day. My husband couldn't go because he is taking classes at night, so her husband decided to sit this one out as well. She did bring the baby, who is cute and it wasn't that hard to see him actually.

Until she asked us if we were going to have a baby. I was honest and told her we've been trying for some time and are having difficulty. At first I thought she had a good reaction, asking some questions but then saying I didn't need to go into details if I didn't want to. She then revealed that they thought they had fertility problems and were just about to make an appointment to figure out why she was not pregnant when she got pregnant. I didn't know what to make of this. Maybe she did understand. She did try to call to see if it would be OK to bring her baby, although I missed that call. She didn't say how long they had been trying. Perhaps she is someone I can confide in about this.

I didn't want to be a downer on our first time seeing each other in a few years, so I changed the subject and we talked about happier topics for a few minutes. And then she asked how many kids we wanted to have once we were able to have them. Um, what?! Instantly I found myself becoming one of those bloggers I didn't like who insisted your ability to empathize was directly proportional to how many BFNs you had. My mind went back to her statement of their own struggles. She couldn't really think she knows what it is like to not be successful TTC when she didn't even make it to the doctor's appointment.

Now that I am out of that situation and have had time to reflect, I don't like what I thought at that moment. I don't want to discount the experiences of any woman or couple who has had their hopes dashed. Yes, the way I look at it now is much different than a year ago, but that doesn't mean the feelings that hope was slipping away was any less real. Maybe, if the opportunity presents itself again, I'll talk about IF with this friend again.


  1. So frustrating. It's hard to be put on the spot face to face with people who ask those kinds of questions. I always find that after the conversation is over I could have said something different or better lol.

    I've been ttc for almost six years, and just recently went to an RE (I'm a huge procrastinator) to start getting some answers.

    I consider everyone who struggles with infertility on the same playing field. We all have a common goal and we're all struggling to reach it. Some of us just reach the goal faster than others.

  2. Hey Missy,
    I really don't think you need to apologise for how you were feeling when your friend said that. If someone said that to me I'd be like, "Yep, you don't get it and won't." But I understand your wish to not close this topic off for discussion with your friend, and I think that's a good thing. Thanks for visiting me and leaving your supportive message

  3. That is tough Missy. I definitely think that unless people have dealt with IF (or had a close friend or family member deal with it), it is hard to understand how it feels.

    But I also think that once you've had a baby, you are under a baby spell and it is hard to think or talk about non-baby things. So when she's at a loss for where to take the conversation, she just finds herself asking you again about your plans for parenthood.

    I do think it would be good of you to confide in her more about how difficult this is for you--how many things you've tried, what your mindset is now. I think that as long as we infertiles stay mum about our journey, the more excuse the fertiles have for being ignorant (and insensitive).

    I plan on being very open with people about how long it took us to conceive because I really want to spread the knowledge of what it is like to try and try and try for YEARS with no luck. You don't hear stories like that very often, but I know they are out there. So as difficult as it can be to talk about, can you blame the fertiles for their ignorance while we are quiet about OUR journeys and OUR experiences? Until you've been exposed to this world, it is hard to know how to be respectful of it, I think.

    Anyway (((HUGS))), I just wish you had your own baby to talk about instead.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...