Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Down

I've been down these past few days. First my friend Ella had her beautiful baby a few days ago. I am so jealous. Ella is great and I'm happy for her, but it just reminds me of how long we've been at this so far. See, Ella and I met on ivillage before we even started TTC. I connected with her b/c we are both in academia and were trying to work out when to start trying with the academic calendar. We had both planned to start in one month and then threw caution the wind on the same weekend a month early. But from there are stories diverged, although neither has been easy. One of the things that made my niece's birth hard was the knowledge that if we had been successful our first month, we could have had a baby at the same time. That was how long we've been trying. And now, here is someone who started TTC the same time we did, who even had difficulty on the journey to pregnancy, and now she has her cute little baby. I feel like I've been lapped again.

Also, as the Christmas season is getting closer and decorations are going up (not in our house as I believe in giving Thanksgiving its due, but you can't escape Christmas in stores), I remember how optimistic I was last Christmas. We trade off spending Christmas with each other's parents, so last year I knew we would be spending this year at home b/c his parents live nearby. This will be our first Christmas as adults where we wake up in our own bed. And I was so sure that it would be our first Christmas with a baby. I thought everything would be different this year.

Last night I went to my church's women's council meeting for the first time. I should have known to avoid it when I'm feeling down, but a friend has been encouraging me to go for a while. But as she was introducing me to people, the first question everyone asked was how many kids I had, or if my kids went to the parish school.

10 comments:

  1. Oh, Missy, I can completely relate. I've been reflecting, too, on how just a single year ago things were so different - how I just knew that "next month" would be THE month.

    We started TTC that same month as you and Ella, too.

    (((hugs))) and hopes of a better 2010!

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  2. If we knew, back in the beginning, that it would take this long and that it would be this hard on our hearts, would we still put ourselves through it? I think we would... but that doesn't make it any easier.

    Hang in there...

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  3. I know it probably sounds lame given my pregnancy....but I do know how you feel. I have been there. My group of friends that I met online after a loss many of the baies are over 6 months old! I am now satisfied, but there were many holidays of feeling left behind. Hang in there sweetie, we are all praying for you!

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  4. Hang in there girl. I've been havin one of these revalations myself lately. It stings and it royally sucks but we are strong women....we WILL make our dreams come true.

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  5. I HATE those questions. It's not that people are meaning to pry or rub salt in the wound, they are just basic bare bones info inquiries... but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like crazy. I'm so sorry.
    On another note, I'm glad SOMEBODY else believes in not skipping Thanksgiving! The whole Halloween-Christmas thing bugs me. I love Christmas as much as the next person, but there IS a very important and worthy holiday in November :)

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  6. I'm so sorry Missy. I hope this is the last Christmas they you have to spend as a family of two. (((((Hugs)))))))

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  7. I feel your pain Missy. Try to think about all of the blessings you do have. I know it's easier said than done, but this is my second Christmas where I thought I would have a baby and don't. The only thing that gets me through it is knowing how blessed I am to have a wonderful husband, my health, and my family. I hope you get to feeling better soon: ) ::hugs::

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  8. i hear you! i was SURE last christmas would be our last as a family of only 2, i figured at the very least i would be pregnant for this one. damn, why does this road go on forever? i hope for you and i both that this is really our last christmas without children.

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  9. Oh Missy, I am so sorry you are feeling down. (((((HUGS))))) I completely understand how you are feeling. You have been a wonderful, supportive friend through all this and it pains me to see you hurting. I wish I could do something to make things better.

    Thinking of you.

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  10. I know....I haven't really let myself think about the whole Christmas/ New Year's milestone coming up. It's funny how much they are such painful markers of our barren state. Thinking of you!

    makingmemom.blogspot.com

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