CSA

There is a request to donate gently used household goods and clothing to those who lost belongings in the flood. I'm happy to help where I can so I spent some time going through my closet. I started this activity as a way to help people in need. But then I started feeling happy that I was finally getting rid of some things we've wanted to send to Goodwill a long time ago. You know the feeling of a new start for a clean closet. It gets me all excited. But once I caught myself feeling this way, I felt bad for feeling glad that other people's misfortunes gives me an opportunity for spring cleaning.

That guilt did prompt me to get rid of a few pieces of clothing that I would have otherwise kept. So the flood victims are getting some nice things. I realized that everything I initially put in the donate pile was for winter, which will not do a lot of good now with Tennessee's hot summers. That made me pull out a few more summer outfits.

Our other news today is that we picked up our first week of our CSA (community supported agriculture). For those of you not familiar with this, you can buy a share in a local farm to get produce every week. The farm uses organic methods, giving you healthier food. And you support the local economy and sustainable agriculture, rather than big industrial farms that ruin the environment and pump up the food with things nature did not intend. Our first basket is way too big for just us! Especially since I will be traveling for the next week, so really it is mostly for DH. We have strawberries, spinach, green onions, broccoli, radishes, and three different kinds of lettuce.

Schools

My church has a big fundraising campaign for its school. We decided before we got married that any future children would go to public schools. I have a strong commitment to public education as where diverse segments of society come together, so for us it is more of a positive choice than thinking Catholic schools are bad. Still, we are not the type of people to only support causes that we will benefit from. The church is our community and we are happy to contribute.

Last night some of the chairs of the fundraising committee came to visit us and tell us about the building plans for the school. We know these people well and if they thought enough about it to put two and two together, they could figure out we are having trouble conceiving. But clearly they haven't made that connection or don't understand what it means. Things were going so well at first. I expected him to talk about how great Catholic schools are. I wasn't prepared for him to keep talking about how our future children will benefit and how we may get a little "blessing."

I just kept thinking, "is it really a blessing if we are paying for it?"

Flooded and forgotten

You may not have noticed what is going on in my hometown. With the bomb in Times Square, BP oil spill, and Sandra Bullock's adoption, there has hardly been any time left to cover the drowning of a major U.S. city.

The rain started on May 1. By the end of May 2, the weather reports said it was already the rainiest May on record (and May is usually a rainy month anyway). That should give you some idea of how much rain came over the weekend.

I happened to be traveling this weekend and thus had to rely on national news to see what was going on in the world. I talked to my husband on Saturday night, but with the TV and internet out, he didn't know the depth of what was going on. He complained about the rain forcing him inside all day, and told stories of the waterfalls that formed on our neighbors' steps down to the street. Our mulch washed away. So we had some bad rain, but didn't exactly seem national news-worthy.

Then I checked FB. I saw this confusing update from one friend about the new lake by his house. And then another friend mentioned trying to find a water pump. Soon most of my Nashville friends on FB were sending out requests for help or providing links on how to help. Turns out, we were lucky. We live on a small hill. The water rushed right past us. And we are far enough from the river that the rising water did not affect us. Other areas of the city were not so lucky. Entire neighborhoods are underwater. A local school building floated down the interstate. Last I heard, 28 people in the area are dead.

Remember the pictures I shared last weekend from my marathon? Here is one picture again.



See that building at the end of the street I walked on? The one that has two towers sticking out of the top? Here is what that area looks like today.



Landmarks are ruined. A major hotel and conference sight will be closed for a year, which is devastating to the economy that depends on tourism and convention dollars. One of our two water treatment plants was flooded. The second plant came within half a foot (!) of flooding and putting us on boiled or bottled water.

But I didn't see any of that as I sat in my hotel watching the national news. I understand that Times Square and the oil spill are big stories too, but surely in a 24 hour news station they could find a few minutes to cover a flood of the magnitude that only happens once every 1000 years. They found time to get the latest gossip about Tiger Woods or debate whether Sandra Bullock should adopt a Black baby. I flew back last night to a city still reeling and trying to figure out what happened. To neighbors trying to salvage their belongings. To colleagues who have lost their homes. To businesses closed and livelihoods lost.

Nashville and Tennessee need your help. Donate to the Community Foundation of Nashville, Nashville Red Cross, or the Second Harvest Food Bank (whose warehouse flooded and contaminated millions of dollars of food). And then come and visit us. Not right now, but in a few months. Nashville is quite lovely in the fall.

What IF

I've hard a time writing this post. Mainly it was emotional procrastination. I don't want to think about this topic. I think I've managed to keep my sanity and continue to live my life by burying these thoughts. But in the spirit of National Infertility Awareness Week, here goes. (deep breath here)

What IF we adopt and I never feel like the child's real mother?

I want to say that just writing that out takes off some of the pressure. But actually it makes me even more scared. Like it feels more certain it would happen. I am not talking so much about not loving the child. I am the type of person who has no trouble loving people and have an immense amount of love to share. But I worry about forming that mother-child bond that (from what I hear, at least) is unique and changes you and changes the relationship with the child. Will I have a mother's intuition? Will the child grow to love me as his/her mother?

That is my biggest anxiety about moving towards adoption. Because even in a closed adoption, adoptive parents have to qualify their relationship to the child. Sure, in most situations you may just introduce yourself as someone's mother. But when push comes to shove, you will have to admit that there are qualifications to your status as a mother. Maybe it will come at a doctor's office during a medical emergency and there are questions about the child's family medical history. Maybe it will come from someone who wonders why you are claiming this dark-skinned child as your own. Maybe it will come many years later when you are sitting with a group of women and the conversation turns to pregnancy or childbirth horror stories. There is that qualification to be made. Explanations to be given. The child is adopted. You are not a mother in the same way that most women are a mother.

What if I can never overcome the thought that I have to share my role as mother?

I flash forward to the first few weeks with the child and how overwhelming it will be. Rationally I know all new mothers and fathers feel overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. But when you have sole claim of motherhood, few will have the ability to say you are doing things wrong (other than our own mothers, of course, who always feel like they can tell us what to do--more on this in a moment). Will I be looking over my shoulder and wondering if the birth mother would know better what to do?

Or I think about what it might be like when the child goes through the inevitable "I hate my parents" stage. Usually when a rebellious teenager storms off yelling they wish you weren't their mother, it is all theoretical. There is not really another mother they might be thinking of, someone else who might lay a claim and be a real life alternative to what they might want in a mother. How will I deal with my child's wish to have a closer relationship to their birth mother in an open adoption situation? Or if we choose the closed adoption route and my now grown child wants to track down the birth mother? What if I despite all I offer to my child, he or she still feels something is missing and tracks down this other mother?

And then I flash forward to thinking if we adopt a daughter and she eventually has children of her own. What if I can't offer her the advice or reassurance she is looking for if I was never pregnant or went through childbirth? Can I truly fulfill the motherly duties at this crucial time if I never went through it?

Mel's directions for NIAW (for which you can find the rest of posts here), tell us to end the post with a positive "What IF". I guess I can push myself and ask what if all this worry is about nothing? But to tell the truth, that seems like a cliche to me right now. This shows another key aspect of those suffering with IF. Sometimes we can't find the positive side of where we are. This is why reminding us to enjoy sleeping in or traveling is so hard to hear. We go through dark times. This community is a blessing because it brings light and hope for these dark times, just as I try to hold on to the hope when others are going through their dark phase. But I don't like the idea that we have to be forced to find the light. It is not wrong to be sad. I see the goal as finding peace in the sadness and not letting it define our lives, rather than trying to erase the sadness.

Resolve has more information about infertility and information about NIAW.

AF here

I was right. The acupuncturist was wrong. Sigh.

Where do you find hope?

Is it a bad sign that your acupuncturist has more hope than you do? Yes, it has been two weeks since the IUI. No, I haven't tested. Honestly, I don't feel the need as I'm not feeling very hopeful this month. I do feel like AF is coming soon, but even before the past few days I didn't have much hope.

4:10:21

I completed the half marathon!

With all the horrendous weather reports, I woke up to partly cloudy skies and dry weather. It had rained over night, but seemed to be past for now. They did start the race 45 minutes early hoping to skip the second wave of storms coming later in the day. It was actually a beautiful morning, with the sun breaking through the clouds just as we reached the top of the first hill and could look down on downtown.



The experience was amazing! They had bands playing every mile or so, plus the spectators were a sight to see themselves. It felt like a carnival! The first few miles flew by and we were hitting a good pace.



The course looped around on itself and when I hit the approximately 3 mile mark, I could see both the people who were behind me at the one mile mark (on the overpass) and the faster runners going underneath me at the 10 mile mark:



The rain did start during mile 9. It started light, but slowly started coming down more heavily. In the middle of mile 10, the police recommended we take cover for a severe storm. We stopped for a while in a warehouse (actually, you can almost see the warehouse we stopped at the picture above near the stop sign on the left). Here we are taking cover:



After a few minutes, we didn't think the storm was that severe and kept going. With wet shoes and the inclination to keep our heads down to avoid the rain, I was feeling the last few miles hard. Then a police officer told us a second wave of storms was coming and they were talking about closing the course at that time. We had better hurry if we wanted to finish. With that extra motivation, my friend and I found our pace again and finished the race strong.

It was a great day that ended with a foot massage and my favorite ice cream. My legs are a bit sore today, but am feeling good and proud of myself.

I am already thinking ahead to next year. I definitely want to do this again another time. But I need another challenge. I'm thinking of joining this group for the half marathon next year: