Good and bad

First the good news. My brother has returned from Afghanistan! It is so nice to have him back on US soil. I hope to see him in a few weeks.

Now the bad news. My plans to see him are tied up with scheduling a trip for this project I am working on (it is near where he lives). But that travel has been postponed until after Thanksgiving. The even worse news? Because this trip was supposed to be before Thanksgiving, we were taking a break this month and then doing another IUI next month. Well, now that won't work at all. Ugh. And we will be traveling for Christmas, so that probably wipes out the cycle after that as well.

Bad day

Ugh, last night I couldn't sleep due to being upset about this cycle. And then AF came in full force this morning. And Tuesday is always my bad day. The day did get a little better with meetings that ended early, but then right at the end of the day I got something that can mess up our plans for this project and had to be done asap. I didn't get home until 8:30. Ugh

Done

Well, I've had more spotting all weekend and today and all my other usual pre-AF signs. So I'm calling this cycle a bust. Here's hoping the third time's the charm. We are taking a break this next month because of our travel schedules. I'm quite jealous that my husband gets to go to Turkey without me, though.

Yesterday was a hard day at church as well. The readings and homily were about being persistent in prayer. I have to admit that this is something I have a hard time with. I've been praying to get pregnant for a long time and it seems the answer is "no", "not now", or at least "not this way". And to be honest this makes we wonder about the purpose of praying. I do believe that God provides what we need and even if prayers are answered in ways we didn't really ask for they come in God's own way. I also believe that it is better to pray for peace or acceptance of God's will rather than anything specific. So I am left not really sure what to pray for persistently. I mean, if God answers prayers in his own way in his own time, then why ask for anything?

Yard

Well, I had some spotting today and it didn't look good. So I'm losing hope for this cycle. I'm trying to forget about it by doing yard work. I planted a bunch of bushes and bulbs in our front yard and will tackle some leaves tomorrow. I want to find some deep shade plants for our backyard (there is no sun at all or else I would put in a vegetable garden), but they are hard to find.

Fall break

I've mentioned that my mom is in town for a visit. Despite my attempts to cover up our IUI and the meds, it was a great visit. I don't think she had any clue and she even managed to not ask any questions about our IF! That might be a first for her. There was actually even a time when I was thinking of bringing it up. We were talking about how she does a lot to support my older sister financially and that sometimes she feels like she should treat more equal. But then she said that she feels like my sister and her family needs more financial support. That is generally true and I don't begrudge the helps she gives them (she did help me get through college). But I almost told her about our need to save money for treatments and how much they cost.

I also had another situation when someone assumed my niece was my daughter. This time it was my older niece. DH, my mom, her partner, and I took my 4 nieces and nephews to a corn maze and fall fest type thing. My sister and BIL were both working. The woman selling the tickets told me that my niece was really beautiful in a way that made it clear she thought I was the mother. I had another wistful moment about that.

One week

We're now entering the 1WW. Of course we've been here before, although it does feel different this time. I'm not reading anything in to that because my reaction to the meds overall this cycle has been different. My symptoms from the meds were much worse this time. I have definitely felt all the symptoms that go along with pregnancy (although some even before the IUI, so it's not really good news). I've been bloated, gassy, constipated, naseaus, waking up in the middle of the night with bad cramping, and sore b00bs. I guess I was expecting most of these, but wasn't ready for the cramping to wake me up every night. The odd thing is that I always wake up at 4 am. Not at 3 one night and 4:30 the next. 4 am every night. Or morning I guess. Has anyone else experienced this?

Done

The IUI#2 with injectibles is done. The SA was basically the same as last time, large count and volume made up for low motility. So now it is just waiting. This time they gave me a prescription for progestone pills rather than another HCG shot b/c she is worried about my estrogen being too high.

Expenses

A few months ago I began wondering how much exactly we've been spending on infertility. Well, I got out my credit card statements, receipts, insurance statements, etc and started calculating. I kept track of both how much was spent and who wrote the check. The total has amazed me.

First, the background. We started TTC over 2.5 years ago and about 2 years ago I had a check up with my primary care doctor and mentioned that we were trying to get pregnant but it was taking longer than we thought. She gave me a referral to an RE and our first appointment was in January of 2009. My insurance covers the diagnosis of IF, but not the treatment of it.

In the past (almost) two years, a grand total of over $18,000 has been spent on our IF journey! Of that total, about $6K was paid by our insurance company, mostly for diagnostic tests and for my lap. About $4K we paid in copayments (we do have a low premium, high copay plan). The rest has been completely out of pocket.

In terms of categories, we've spent over $2500 in natural/mental health expenses, mostly being weekly acupuncture for both of us and a therapy session. The first injectible IUI cost about $2500 (including meds), although this current one is more expensive as my dosage has been higher. There was about $5000 in general consultations/office visits and testing. The single biggest expense was the lap at over $6500, although that was one thing that insurance covered a big chunk of.

So there you have it. I'm not sure what to make of the total. We have decided we are not going to do IVF, so the medical costs of this are winding down, either because I get pregnant tomorrow (hopefully!) or in the next few months, or we move on to another stage of the journey.

Survived

Well, I survived the weekend with my mom. Actually, it was a good weekend. I was just worried about her finding my meds and asking all these questions. Her partner can't go upstairs very well, so in all their past visits they stay in our bedroom on the first floor and we stay in the guest room. So I moved all my supplies up to the closet in the guest bedroom and hid them under some blankets. I didn't think there was anyway she would get so sneaky as to look in that spot. And then one of the first things she said when they got off the plane is that they do better on stairs now and so can stay in our guest bedroom! We insisted that they stay in our room anyway, so it was all clear from that angle.

And then she wanted me to spend practically the whole weekend playing with my iPad and wanting me to show her how to use FB. I wouldn't mind this normally, but she was going systemically through my apps and I was worried she would open up my blog reader app and start looking all of your posts! And I have just recently made a few FB comments to "come out of the closet" with our IF and didn't want her to see those either. She does know, but I didn't want to start a conversation about it.

But we survived and at least she didn't seem to catch on to anything I didn't want her to see. Now we trigger tonight and she is safely tucked away at my sister's house. So I am free to open up that tinfoil wrapped package in the back of the fridge to get the trigger.

Scheduled

The dr is dialing down my meds. I am feeling less bloated today. I trigger on Sunday and we go in for the IUI on Tuesday.

Bloat

Well, my meeds arrived on time, so I've been taking 150 units for the past few days. I had one 16mm follie and a few others around 13,14 on the right. And the left is even starting to get in the game. But I am definitely feeling the effects. I feel like I am about to explode. Or at least that I wish I could let all this out.

In other news I took my oldest niece shopping for her 13th birthday last night. It was so fun to spend some one on one time with her! We both bought a few things and I didn't even have to object to any inappropriate clothing. My mom and her partner arrive tomorrow, so we will spend tonight hiding my meds and sharps container so they won't find anything.