Belated blogoversary

Umm, Happy Blogoversary to me? I mean, happy belated blogoversary. I know I have been busy the past couple of months with work, but I'm not sure how this date past by so quickly. It didn't just pass, it flew by! It's been almost 15 months since I started this blog and found a terrific community here. Read how it all began.

I think the reason my first year of blogging seemed to pass so quickly because I still feel like we early on this journey and have a long road ahead. I remember it took me several months to start my blog. I had been reading other blogs for quite awhile, but was hesitant to start my own because then it seem "real." I didn't want to so new to IF that veteran IFers wouldn't care about what I said. For two months in a row, I planned to start a blog if we weren't successful that month. Finally I took the plunge.

In many ways I still feel like we are newbies to this experience. This year has gone by so quickly, with my lap, several cl.omid cycles, and 2 IUIs. But we still have a long way to go. I hope you all continue being by my side as we move forward. Thank you for all the support you have given me so far.

Cousin

I've been traveling for work and one trip put me in the same town as my cousin. My cousin is a great person, but we've never been particularly close due to seeing each other infrequently growing up. But getting together is always nice as our shared family history allows us to pick up where we left off last time. So overall it was a good night. But still there were many moments that went straight to my heart.

We spent most of the evening talking about her children, or my sister's children. That is fine, she has great kids and my nieces and nephews are great. And catching up does involve a lot of catching up on the lives of children. But then I started inquiring about her siblings. First she filled me in on one of her sisters, who is recently pregnant. Despite the fact that this cousin has trouble taking care of her two current kids. And getting a divorce. Sigh. Another example of how frustrating it is to know you would be a great mother when less stable people have no trouble at all in the babymaking department.

Then she mentioned one of her brothers. He has a collection of pugs because his wife can't have children and they are compensating with dogs. My ears picked up at this, but with our complicated family, her brother is not related to me and I haven't seen in about 20 years, so I didn't want to pry into details, although my cousin did mention her SIL recently had a hysterectomy.

The icing on the cake, though, was the continuing conversation about wanting her husband to get a vasectomy. She is quite sure they are done at three kids and is trying to convince her husband that he should make sure they don't have accident. Ahh, how nice it must be to be so worried about an accidental pregnancy that you get fixed.

Today

Is it bad that today I am glad we had a devastating flood here a week ago? All the attention has been focused on the flood victims and how we can help them. There is little air left for thinking about mothers. The mood is still somber but with some hope, not the joy and flowers that usually accompany this day. In many ways the city's mood matches what I normally feel on this day. Sad, but yet trying to find the hope for the future.

And then I realize how the flood victims feel something different. Usually I feel overlooked and forgotten today. As if I am not worthy as a women, can't understand what it is like to love another or be complete, because I am not a mother. But after spending two days volunteering in various neighborhoods and seeing the outpouring of support for these communities, they cannot feel forgotten this week. I hope in another month the community is still out there helping.

When I call my own mother to wish her well on this day, she ask me if I called my sister. I responded, "No, she is not my mother." Why am I expected to honor my sister when she has plenty of children to wish her well? I am fine with taking time to remember all our own mothers have done for us, but I resent the idea that we must pay extra attention to all mothers. As a boss, you might do something nice for your secretary on Secretary Day, but you don't call up your sister who happens to be a secretary or send her some flowers. At least there are some writers out there remembering that women who are not mothers are still worthy.

Having the flood juxtaposed with Mother's Day gives me an idea of how I might want to spend this day, should I ever reach the other side. I don't want an overpriced brunch. I want to spend time in an activity that teaches my future children one of the key lessons I hope they learn in their life: if someone is in need, you find a way to help. Isn't that the best way to honor your mother? Not by buying her some pretty flowers, but by spending time living the values she tried so hard to instill in you.

**Update: I guess I wasn't forgotten today after all. I was going to make some FB status update to remind all us non-mothers out there that we are special too. But then I logged on and no fewer than 3 friends had said something about remembering those who long to be mothers or lost their mothers or children. I needed those good thoughts today.

CSA

There is a request to donate gently used household goods and clothing to those who lost belongings in the flood. I'm happy to help where I can so I spent some time going through my closet. I started this activity as a way to help people in need. But then I started feeling happy that I was finally getting rid of some things we've wanted to send to Goodwill a long time ago. You know the feeling of a new start for a clean closet. It gets me all excited. But once I caught myself feeling this way, I felt bad for feeling glad that other people's misfortunes gives me an opportunity for spring cleaning.

That guilt did prompt me to get rid of a few pieces of clothing that I would have otherwise kept. So the flood victims are getting some nice things. I realized that everything I initially put in the donate pile was for winter, which will not do a lot of good now with Tennessee's hot summers. That made me pull out a few more summer outfits.

Our other news today is that we picked up our first week of our CSA (community supported agriculture). For those of you not familiar with this, you can buy a share in a local farm to get produce every week. The farm uses organic methods, giving you healthier food. And you support the local economy and sustainable agriculture, rather than big industrial farms that ruin the environment and pump up the food with things nature did not intend. Our first basket is way too big for just us! Especially since I will be traveling for the next week, so really it is mostly for DH. We have strawberries, spinach, green onions, broccoli, radishes, and three different kinds of lettuce.

Schools

My church has a big fundraising campaign for its school. We decided before we got married that any future children would go to public schools. I have a strong commitment to public education as where diverse segments of society come together, so for us it is more of a positive choice than thinking Catholic schools are bad. Still, we are not the type of people to only support causes that we will benefit from. The church is our community and we are happy to contribute.

Last night some of the chairs of the fundraising committee came to visit us and tell us about the building plans for the school. We know these people well and if they thought enough about it to put two and two together, they could figure out we are having trouble conceiving. But clearly they haven't made that connection or don't understand what it means. Things were going so well at first. I expected him to talk about how great Catholic schools are. I wasn't prepared for him to keep talking about how our future children will benefit and how we may get a little "blessing."

I just kept thinking, "is it really a blessing if we are paying for it?"

Flooded and forgotten

You may not have noticed what is going on in my hometown. With the bomb in Times Square, BP oil spill, and Sandra Bullock's adoption, there has hardly been any time left to cover the drowning of a major U.S. city.

The rain started on May 1. By the end of May 2, the weather reports said it was already the rainiest May on record (and May is usually a rainy month anyway). That should give you some idea of how much rain came over the weekend.

I happened to be traveling this weekend and thus had to rely on national news to see what was going on in the world. I talked to my husband on Saturday night, but with the TV and internet out, he didn't know the depth of what was going on. He complained about the rain forcing him inside all day, and told stories of the waterfalls that formed on our neighbors' steps down to the street. Our mulch washed away. So we had some bad rain, but didn't exactly seem national news-worthy.

Then I checked FB. I saw this confusing update from one friend about the new lake by his house. And then another friend mentioned trying to find a water pump. Soon most of my Nashville friends on FB were sending out requests for help or providing links on how to help. Turns out, we were lucky. We live on a small hill. The water rushed right past us. And we are far enough from the river that the rising water did not affect us. Other areas of the city were not so lucky. Entire neighborhoods are underwater. A local school building floated down the interstate. Last I heard, 28 people in the area are dead.

Remember the pictures I shared last weekend from my marathon? Here is one picture again.



See that building at the end of the street I walked on? The one that has two towers sticking out of the top? Here is what that area looks like today.



Landmarks are ruined. A major hotel and conference sight will be closed for a year, which is devastating to the economy that depends on tourism and convention dollars. One of our two water treatment plants was flooded. The second plant came within half a foot (!) of flooding and putting us on boiled or bottled water.

But I didn't see any of that as I sat in my hotel watching the national news. I understand that Times Square and the oil spill are big stories too, but surely in a 24 hour news station they could find a few minutes to cover a flood of the magnitude that only happens once every 1000 years. They found time to get the latest gossip about Tiger Woods or debate whether Sandra Bullock should adopt a Black baby. I flew back last night to a city still reeling and trying to figure out what happened. To neighbors trying to salvage their belongings. To colleagues who have lost their homes. To businesses closed and livelihoods lost.

Nashville and Tennessee need your help. Donate to the Community Foundation of Nashville, Nashville Red Cross, or the Second Harvest Food Bank (whose warehouse flooded and contaminated millions of dollars of food). And then come and visit us. Not right now, but in a few months. Nashville is quite lovely in the fall.

What IF

I've hard a time writing this post. Mainly it was emotional procrastination. I don't want to think about this topic. I think I've managed to keep my sanity and continue to live my life by burying these thoughts. But in the spirit of National Infertility Awareness Week, here goes. (deep breath here)

What IF we adopt and I never feel like the child's real mother?

I want to say that just writing that out takes off some of the pressure. But actually it makes me even more scared. Like it feels more certain it would happen. I am not talking so much about not loving the child. I am the type of person who has no trouble loving people and have an immense amount of love to share. But I worry about forming that mother-child bond that (from what I hear, at least) is unique and changes you and changes the relationship with the child. Will I have a mother's intuition? Will the child grow to love me as his/her mother?

That is my biggest anxiety about moving towards adoption. Because even in a closed adoption, adoptive parents have to qualify their relationship to the child. Sure, in most situations you may just introduce yourself as someone's mother. But when push comes to shove, you will have to admit that there are qualifications to your status as a mother. Maybe it will come at a doctor's office during a medical emergency and there are questions about the child's family medical history. Maybe it will come from someone who wonders why you are claiming this dark-skinned child as your own. Maybe it will come many years later when you are sitting with a group of women and the conversation turns to pregnancy or childbirth horror stories. There is that qualification to be made. Explanations to be given. The child is adopted. You are not a mother in the same way that most women are a mother.

What if I can never overcome the thought that I have to share my role as mother?

I flash forward to the first few weeks with the child and how overwhelming it will be. Rationally I know all new mothers and fathers feel overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. But when you have sole claim of motherhood, few will have the ability to say you are doing things wrong (other than our own mothers, of course, who always feel like they can tell us what to do--more on this in a moment). Will I be looking over my shoulder and wondering if the birth mother would know better what to do?

Or I think about what it might be like when the child goes through the inevitable "I hate my parents" stage. Usually when a rebellious teenager storms off yelling they wish you weren't their mother, it is all theoretical. There is not really another mother they might be thinking of, someone else who might lay a claim and be a real life alternative to what they might want in a mother. How will I deal with my child's wish to have a closer relationship to their birth mother in an open adoption situation? Or if we choose the closed adoption route and my now grown child wants to track down the birth mother? What if I despite all I offer to my child, he or she still feels something is missing and tracks down this other mother?

And then I flash forward to thinking if we adopt a daughter and she eventually has children of her own. What if I can't offer her the advice or reassurance she is looking for if I was never pregnant or went through childbirth? Can I truly fulfill the motherly duties at this crucial time if I never went through it?

Mel's directions for NIAW (for which you can find the rest of posts here), tell us to end the post with a positive "What IF". I guess I can push myself and ask what if all this worry is about nothing? But to tell the truth, that seems like a cliche to me right now. This shows another key aspect of those suffering with IF. Sometimes we can't find the positive side of where we are. This is why reminding us to enjoy sleeping in or traveling is so hard to hear. We go through dark times. This community is a blessing because it brings light and hope for these dark times, just as I try to hold on to the hope when others are going through their dark phase. But I don't like the idea that we have to be forced to find the light. It is not wrong to be sad. I see the goal as finding peace in the sadness and not letting it define our lives, rather than trying to erase the sadness.

Resolve has more information about infertility and information about NIAW.