Babysitting

Yesterday we babysat one of my nieces and one of my nephews for the whole day. My emotions were going up and down all day long. When my sister dropped them off, my nephew did something that made me realize how old he is getting. My sister's kids range in ages from 3 to 13, so one thing that has added to my sadness with IF is that our children will be so much younger than their cousins. We started trying to grow our family shortly after the youngest was born, so initially the age gap wouldn't have been that big. But now he will be 4 in two months and we are still a long ways from having a baby. Seeing him act so old made me sad.

A little bit later I was on the computer while he was playing the Wii. He came in and sat on my lap and we found a website with kid games. It was so cute to have him there with me and play these games together. I just wanted to squeeze him and never let him go. We went out to play football in the backyard and I was thinking that I just wanted to go to an adoption agency and say, can you "get me one of these in size 6 months?"

My niece was not as interested in spending time with us. She is very creative and about a year ago I tried to teach her to crochet, but she couldn't quite get it. I thought yesterday would have been a good time for another lesson, but she was much more interested in watching D1sney channel. Oh well.

Nieces and nephews

I posted yesterday about some thoughts on the child-free/childless blog. But there was something else that bothered me about that post. She dismissed the joys some of us get from our nieces and nephews.

Logically I know of course that my love for my nieces and nephews is not that same as the love my sisters have for them. But that does not diminish the joy they bring to my life. And they do bring real joy. Take just my oldest niece, for example. I remember being at work the day my sister started having labor pains. I called home every 20 minutes to see if it was time to drive to the hospital. I remember reading to her for the first time. I remember feeling lonely while studying abroad halfway across the world and hearing her say my name for the first time. It was a misprounounced toddlerized version of my name, but it still made my heart soar. And it brought even more joy when I learned she remembered those phone calls and started saying my name every time her mother was on the phone.

I laughed when she was three and clomped around in my way too big for her tennis shoes. We laughed together when she was 11 and gave me a pair of too-small-for-her-but-just-right-for-me tennis shoes. (yes, her mother has really big feet as well)

There are moments of sadness, though, when I think of my nieces and nephews. Not because of what they do, but because they remind me of the joy that children bring and that I wish dearly could be in our house all the time. I get sad when I think that any kids we do eventually have won't have same age cousins to play with. I enjoy seeing my youngest niece and hearing her updates, but I also remember the despair I felt when my little sister gave birth to her after we had our IF diagnosis.

My sister called me a few days ago and asked me to babysit her kids overnight. She works at Starbucks and when my BIL is out of town, it makes more sense for them to spend the night at our house rather than have her try to find a babysitter who is willing to show up at 4:30am so she can open the store. Usually that is fine, although this particular weekend I have a big event on Saturday and she also needed me to take my nephew to his soccer game so I wasn't sure the logistics would work out. We each needed to double check some times, so we agreed to talk again the next day. In the meantime, I started thinking of the fun I could have with the kids: playing games, making blueberry pancakes. When she called the next day and said it might too much work and she would find a babysitter, I was disappointed. I want to spend this time with them. I don't want to miss out on this fun. So we worked it out and the kids will be here in a few hours.

And then I read the blog about how nieces and nephews just don't cut it in terms of providing joy in our lives. That is something I won't accept.

A new niece

Welcome to ICLWers! My background is on the left.

Life is not fair. Things could be so different for us right now but yet our life continues the same pattern of working, dinners out, adult-oriented activities, house cleaning, etc. It's not that I don't enjoy what we do together, I just wish it was different.

We started our journey nearly 9 months ago. If things went smoothly, we would be having a baby right now or at least very soon. We would have had family and friends dote on us and make us feel special. Instead their attention is elsewhere.

We would have had a chance to make a big announcement of a pregnancy. Instead someone else made everyone excited and looking forward to the future.

We would have had a chance to show off an ultrasound and make another announcement, this time of a baby's gender. Instead someone else is being showered with pink dresses and blankets.

My family would be gathering around us as the end approached to wait anxiously with us. My facebook page would be filled with anticipatory congrats from friends eager for our next announcement. Instead each of your new status updates is another reminder that this is not my time. A reminder that I don't know if my time will ever come.

Welcome to the world, Mackenzie. I promise to love you as much as I love my other nieces (and nephews, too). But right now it's a little hard to feel happy.