Renovations

We have been trying to keep ourselves busy during this waiting period by doing some work on our house. Mostly, this is related to getting the nursery set up. First, we refinished a dresser. I didn't take a before picture, but this was a dresser I bought for only a few dollars several years ago. You will have to trust me that the finish was horrible and the handles were ugly. But I was in grad school and didn't make much money then, so I wasn't too picky. It was a sturdy piece of furniture and did it's job well. I think we were pretty successful in giving it a new life.



Next, we tackled my craft area. Like many people going through infertility, we've had a house that was way too big for two people. So we each had our own room to do what we wanted with it. Now one of our extra rooms is being turned into the nursery (finally!). And that means we need to consolidate our other rooms. What is now my office/craft room, will now be our shared office and guest room. The second floor of our house is actually a converted attic, so there are some rather large closets where the ceiling comes down at an angle due to the roof. Because I have the best husband ever, we decided to turn one closet into a craft closet.

Here is the "before." The closet is L-shaped. And picture it filled floor to ceiling with empty boxes that for some reason I can't get rid of. Here is one half of the closet:



And the other half, this is even with some boxes removed:



And the "after"! This is the same angle as the first picture above.



And the "after" of the second angle of the closet:



Here are some close-ups:



We used curtain rods to hold my ribbon. And the wire rack and pink magnetic strips came from the Con.tainer S.tore. My dearest hubby built the cubby holes. I have always wanted something like in my house. I love them!

Christmas update

Hello! I hope you guys are doing well. After my meltdown prior to Christmas and a misunderstanding with our ILs, we ended up having a very nice holiday. I am including some pictures below, mostly of my baking! My mom was in town and brought my nieces over for baking during the day on Christmas Eve. We made cinnamon rolls, an apple pie, and cake pops.

Somewhat better

I am feeling a bit better for the past two days. Mostly that is because I hit bottom on Sunday. A reminder of a separate problem set me off on a depressed rant that you may have pictured from my last post. The problem had nothing to do with babies, but I was already at the edge and this tipped me over, bringing everything down with it. And this time my husband couldn't deal with me either. I think it was seeing his meltdown that snapped me out of my depressed haze. He also made me realize that I need to cut out all other stress points in my life so that there is not something to push me over the edge. So I told my sister she has to host Christmas dinner, canceled my annual cookie baking day, ditched any idea of sending out cards, and did a bunch of Christmas shopping online in one fell swoop. I still think about our situation constantly, but at least I can function now.

Are the holidays over yet?

Disclaimer: The people I complain about here are well meaning. But I need to vent.

I am barely keeping it together. Well, if you ask my husband, he will probably say I am not keeping it together. I will admit that the reason I am on my last nerve is that I have not spent more than 48 hours at home since before Thanksgiving. We got home from Thanksgiving and I immediately left for a work trip. Then it was home, host a Christmas party (where was my mind when I agreed to that!) and then back again on Monday. Finally I am home for the rest of the year, but now my mom arrives in a week and I need to have most of my Christmas preparations done by then. Ugh.

I am not sure how I will get through this holiday. I have already had a breakdown in a Starbucks. And then I started tearing up while eating dinner one night when a family came in carrying a newborn in my carseat. We went shopping this weekend and I could do is think how different things were supposed to be. Everywhere I go and everyone I see makes me depressed and I just want to crunch up into a ball and shut out the world. The women posting baby bumps that are way smaller than my belly, which is only full of fat. My co-workers who think no situation is complete without a reference to children, babies, or my need to practice hauling things around. My sister who wants me to teach her to crochet so she can make cute little headbands for her soon-to-be second daughter, while my plans for making things for our son become irrelevant. The need to make a Christmas letter to show all the things we did this year, when really all I want to say is that life passed me by this year. Another year of no one to put on the front of our Christmas card. And my MIL, who someone how it was comforting to say that since we will be older parents, our kids will stay in the house until we are 60. How exactly is that supposed to make me feel better? Everywhere I go is a reminder about children.

Breakdown

Well, there were two reasons I haven't been posting. One, nothing has really been happening. We are just waiting...and waiting. I did pretty well when the due date of our failed match came around, so I thought I was handling things pretty well. I even saw my pregnant sister and SIL over Thanksgiving and my adorable nieces without getting down. The other reason I haven't been posting is that I have been so slammed at work. I have been up working until midnight every night this week, including this weekend. One more week of this and hopefully things will settle down.

However, today it all came rushing at me. Seriously, I had a breakdown in Starbucks and started crying into my peppermint mocha. We were supposed to have a baby by now. I had plans to make this really cute pumpkin hat for our October baby, and then secretly I was thinking it could still work if we had a November baby. But now I am realizing it will be another baby-free Christmas for us. And no one seems to understand that we are expectant parents. I was planning my mom's visit for the holidays and she was saying how she wanted to spend a few days with us before spending a few days with my sister. I said it would be fun to have her help me get the nursery organized and she was not excited at all about that. Today at mass they had the usual Advent blessing for expectant parents and I think that is what put me over the edge. I just couldn't handle that. In past years, the priest would mention those expecting or hoping to expect, but this year it was just "hey all you pregnant people."

There is an added stress going on here. Our agency has stopped responding to me. It has not been total radio silence, as I've been getting emails they send out to all their waiting couples and I know we've been shown a couple of times. But six months after completing all our paperwork, I still don't have a copy of our finished homestudy. I want to send it to other agencies so we can increase the number of times we are shown, but they just don't respond to my requests for it. I have started cc'ing my contact's boss in my attempts. I have been told twice now that she will get it to me in a week, the last over a month ago. She's had some family issues and I want to be understanding, but at the same time, it has been several months. If one social worker has so many family issues she can't stay in contact with us, then we need someone else. I just feel like life is passing us by and nothing is happening while this woman never returns our phone calls.