Disclaimer: The people I complain about here are well meaning. But I need to vent.
I am barely keeping it together. Well, if you ask my husband, he will probably say I am not keeping it together. I will admit that the reason I am on my last nerve is that I have not spent more than 48 hours at home since before Thanksgiving. We got home from Thanksgiving and I immediately left for a work trip. Then it was home, host a Christmas party (where was my mind when I agreed to that!) and then back again on Monday. Finally I am home for the rest of the year, but now my mom arrives in a week and I need to have most of my Christmas preparations done by then. Ugh.
I am not sure how I will get through this holiday. I have already had a breakdown in a Starbucks. And then I started tearing up while eating dinner one night when a family came in carrying a newborn in my carseat. We went shopping this weekend and I could do is think how different things were supposed to be. Everywhere I go and everyone I see makes me depressed and I just want to crunch up into a ball and shut out the world. The women posting baby bumps that are way smaller than my belly, which is only full of fat. My co-workers who think no situation is complete without a reference to children, babies, or my need to practice hauling things around. My sister who wants me to teach her to crochet so she can make cute little headbands for her soon-to-be second daughter, while my plans for making things for our son become irrelevant. The need to make a Christmas letter to show all the things we did this year, when really all I want to say is that life passed me by this year. Another year of no one to put on the front of our Christmas card. And my MIL, who someone how it was comforting to say that since we will be older parents, our kids will stay in the house until we are 60. How exactly is that supposed to make me feel better? Everywhere I go is a reminder about children.
5 days ago