Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Family building

OK, so I realize I am one of the cliches now. A new parent who now has to start every blog with an apology for not blogging more regularly. Sorry.

I have been thinking about what I want to do with this blog. I want to continue to participate in the blogging world, not only the many friends I made in the infertility/RPL community, but also the adoption community I've found more recently. But, I also want to respect Seven's privacy and not post all these details about him. I've settled on wanting to blog about being a mother through adoption and a mother after (and still) experiencing infertility. So, Seven will make cameo appearances in my posts, but they won't be about him so much as my experience as his mother.

With this new identity, I want to address the PAIL monthly theme: planning for the second child. We have always planned on having two kids. Or, more specifically, E thinks 1 or 2 kids is ideal and I think 2 or 3 kids is ideal, so we settled on 2 as something we both agree on.

I think about starting the wait for a second child all the time. Of course, with Seven only being 4 months old and his adoption not yet finalized, we are in no position right now to actually go down that path. But it is a topic that occupies a large chunk of my thoughts. I love Seven dearly and want to enjoy this special time with him, especially now as he is so cuddly and fun at this age. Yet when I think about money, I think about how we can save up money for #2. When I think about changing jobs, I think about how that might interact with plans for #2. When I think about how Seven is outgrowing some clothes and will soon outgrow some toys, I think about saving them for a future child. And so on. I think about it all the time.

Being the nerd that I am, I then think about why I think about it so much. I've come down to this. I want the family building stage to be over. I don't particularly want kids that are super close in age, but I want to be done with family building and reach that feeling that my family is complete. And I feel that infertility and the adoption process is the reason. It is a stressful process and I just want it behind us. As long as we are still wanting more kids, infertility is the elephant in the room that hangs over my head, taunting me with what my body won't do. I still want the control that eluded me for so long from infertility and the adoption process and hope (naively?) that I can regain control once our family is complete and that uncertainty is behind us. (Yeah, I've already learned that parenthood itself makes a mockery of control, but still...).


  1. Here from PAIL. I totally get the wanting to be done with the family building part done and over with. I know I have a lot to go through before I can be done with it, but it would be nice to just enjoy being a family. I know we can't do that until I've faced all the treatment for IF and use my frozen tots. Congratulations on your amazing family. I hope your family building time is over soon and you have your perfect family.

  2. Here from PAIL!

    I find myself so conflicted about that "feeling of finally being done with family planning" that you mention. On the one hand, being "done" will feel so bittersweet, but on the other, the stress and frustration and treatments? Ready to be over THAT, definitely. <3

  3. I'm totally conflicted about this. I also think it will be so nice to one day put it all away, to stop checking my toilet tissue, to stop wondering and hoping and crying... but that also means no more babies, and that just plain old sucks. Even when I think about having them close together, I think, but then I'll be out of babies so fast! LOL. I know, I'm crazy. And I also have no control, so honestly I'll take what I can get while I can get it. My sister just finalized her adoption and I can understand, because her path was absolute hell. I always thought we'd adopt one day, but I just don't know if I could handle it. It was awful just to watch her go through it, I can't imagine. So anyway, I'm babbling here, sorry. But I hope you will "just know" when it's time and the "everything will fall into place." :) Cliche? Yes, but wouldn't it be nice to be the cliche for once?

  4. here from PAIL. I wonder if I'll ever feel done, but I so seek that peace with no longer feeling broken. I wonder when that will happen or if I'll always feel that I'm broken.

  5. It sounds like you want the permission to move on and BE HAPPY. I think when we deal with IF - we are always waiting and never satisfied....never happy. But, now with Seven, only you and E can determine when the right time to get busy about #2. But, try to grab that "happy" or else, so much of your time will be spent waiting (which is not very happy).


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