Drawing the ethical line

Here's the situation. I met an acquaintance during our IF struggle. She went through the adoption process first and when we started thinking about it, she has been a very helpful guide to get the lay of the land. I truly appreciate this.

So what's the problem?

I've mentioned before (and anyone who knows anything about adoption) that there are ethical decisions to make along your adoption journey. There is not necessarily a "right" decision for all, but we each need to decide what we feel comfortable with and what we think crosses the line into more of a transaction. The problem is that this friend used an agency that we think crossed that line. I don't judge her for using them, but still we don't want to do the same thing. The problem is that she keeps encouraging us to use this agency, raving about them. At first I didn't say anything but just said we are looking at a number of agencies. But now she keeps bringing it up and I don't know how to tell her we don't feel comfortable using that agency without saying that we think their model crosses a line for us.

A new context of waiting

One thing I learned about infertility is the constant presence of waiting. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting for the next cycle. And, of course, the two week wait. So waiting to further our family building is not something new to me. But the waiting for adoption is very different. When you are trying to conceive, there is a lot of waiting, but there is also a lot of doing during that waiting. Monitoring your fertility signs if the cycle is not medicated, or getting an ultrasound and bloodwork every other day if it is. It is an active waiting. Even the 2WW is a relatively active waiting. Maybe there are shots or pills to take. Or at least you can mark the time until the waiting will end.

But it is not the same with adoption. There is just waiting. And then more waiting. There are some situations we might learn about, but nothing really we can do to stay active during the wait. And no sense of when the waiting will end.

Waiting is boring!

Sorry again for the extended absence. But it turns that waiting, is well, a bunch of waiting. Not exactly excitement central over here on the adoption front. And I continue to be inundated with work. All that adds up to me not spending much time blogging.

But we did do something exciting this weekend. We created a registry! It started out with a not so great start. As we were driving to the store, my mom called and I told her what we were doing. Her response was: "A registry for what? Oh yeah, OK, whatever, have a good afternoon." When I called her on the lack of enthusiasm, she admitted that it is hard for her to get excited about preparing for a future grandchild when we are not matched. She did buy some clothes when we matched with the little boy, but when that fell through she gave them to a friend who was having a baby boy. I don't blame her for that, but she could fake a little enthusiasm for buying us a crib or something.

Creating a registry for adoption is hard. I guess most people create registries in anticipation of a baby shower and will get all these things prior to the baby's arrival. But we won't be having a shower until after a baby is here. It's not just the gender-neutrality that is put on all our registry items, but even the age. There are some things we will need in those first few weeks. We decided to buy a few essentials that you really need for a newborn and didn't want to put newborn items on the registry. So, for example, the clothes and sleepers on the registry are more for the 3 month old stage and we bought a few in newborn sizes.

And the registry person had a hard time with us since we had no "event date." She really wanted a date and we didn't see why we had to provide one. So we made something up to satisfy her.

And about gender neutrality: I thought this was actually an advantage of adoption. I do not like the color stereotyping that immediately happens with babies. But already I am sick of green!

Here is a picture of our growing set of supplies. What you can't see is the diaper bag is already full of various things ready for a stay in another state!



Here is my question: Is it bad form to send out your registry information to close family? Back when we had a match, many family members that we told about it were saying they wanted to buy us something to get ready. But I'm afraid everyone has the same perspective as my mom and is not thinking of supporting us until a baby is in hand.

And a picture of that hooded blanket I mentioned I crocheted (sorry, I can't figure out right now how to rotate it):

10 years

Ten years ago, I was living in Washington, DC. I had moved there about 15 months earlier for my first job after college. It was big adventure away from my family. And it was definitely an adventure. Two years ago I wrote up my memories of 9/11. You can read it here.

But thinking back on it now, there are a few words that come to my mind. Confusion. Shock. Community. Confusion because in those first hours, we didn't know what was happening. Rumors spread like wildfire, even in those days without Twitter. Most of those rumors ended up not being true, but it didn't matter then. I looked out my office window and saw the smoke from the Pentagon. I walked home that day (and every day) down a street that ended at the White House only a mile away. And it was a real possibility that another plane was heading right there.

Shock doesn't need much explanation. I was not the only one who found themselves glued to the TV that day, hoping for some explanation.

I remember the sense of community that came after. On 9/12, several co-workers and I went to the Red Cross to give blood. Except we were turned away after a few hours b/c the line was still long with all the outpouring of people who wanted to do something, anything, to help. In the weeks and months after 9/11, we were a united country. There was no talk of red America and blue America. Or "real" America and other places that I guess are not real America. There was, just simply, America. One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

What can we do to get that back?

still around

Hey all, Sorry I haven't posted in forever. We are still here and still waiting. I have been pretty slammed at work and that is taking up all my time. Working long hours does not make me want to spend more time on my computer blogging once I get home.

But now that I am here, I will take this time to vent about my family. Both my sister and SIL (who are both pregnant) are driving me insane with pregnancy complaints. Am I supposed to feel sorry for them that they have morning sickness? I would trade places with them in a second. Even if it meant I still had morning sickness in the second trimester. I did feel proud of myself for coming out a little bit more and reminding them to appreciate what they have.

I am doing OK with our waiting so far. Since I am so distracted with work, to be honest I don't think about it much. I do still want to do some preparations like set up a registry and paint the nursery. Oh! And I finished my first blanket! I will post a picture soon. But it is a hooded blanket that I crocheted. I like it a lot and can't wait to use it.