Thursday, May 19, 2011


Sometimes when we tell people we are adopting, they ask if we would be open to both boys and girls. I always say we don't care, but really I'm thinking "are you crazy? we've been trying to have a kid for these many years and you think we would delay it just because a potential child is the wrong gender?" I've actually never really understood why the most common question you get when you are pregnant is whether you care about the gender. Is that a question people just ask to make conversation, or something else behind it?

But the question hits me in another way now that we are adopting. The standard answer to that question from PWCGP (people who can get pregnant) is some version of "oh, as long as the baby is healthy." But they say that having spent months taking prenatal vitamins and prenatal yoga or walking and abstaining from alcohol and in general doing all these things to have a healthy baby. So while I'm sure most PWCGP know that some health concerns or birth defects are random and happen no matter what precautions you take, the possibility that the baby will actually not be healthy is probably not something they think about too much.

But then I look placement preference form and suddenly it seems like a very real possibility. And I'm told that the more we close ourselves off to a type of placement, the less likely we are to get a match. Do I have to choose between having a healthy child or no child at all?


  1. I agree with what you're saying. A lot! The whole gender / healthy baby thing is so weird. And when we considered adoption the whole possibility of adopting a child that we hadn't nurtured for forty weeks was daunting. It wasn't a deal breaker but it seemed so unfair. I believe that many babies are very resilient and can survive all kinds of odds, but who wants to have to gamble like that?
    Good luck with those difficult decisions:)

  2. Missy, in starting to look into adoption only superficially I found myself confronted with similar questions. I think we need to be honest with ourselves about what our capacity is. Right now, I don't think I could handle a baby with anything more than the average "special needs" that come along with any adoption situation. At least without resentment--I need to be honest with myself and a future child about that. But we are still years away from adoption, so who knows what my heart will say then, but I KNOW that you'll find the perfect baby for you--and wanting one that is relatively healthy is the same wish of every parent (as you say). (((HUGS))) Thanks so much for sharing your journey with all of us.


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