Cookies

Dear Tagalongs,

It has been, what, nearly a year since our last tryst? Oh, how I want you, please don't let so much time go by again. You bring such joy to my life and I need you now more than ever. Give me just one more night before you disappear again.

Love,
Missy


Dear Thin Mints,

OK, I may have spent some time recently with Tagalongs. But you don't understand. You were my first love. My true love. Sometimes I want a little peanut butter on the side, but your minty-goodness is what completes me.

Love,
Missy


Dear coffee,

I'm sorry to be leaving you for the next 40 days. I promise the time will pass quickly. But, you see, Lent is here and it was either you or chocolate. Thin Mints won. Let's set a rendezvous for Easter morning.

Love,
Missy

Leftovers

Ugh, my mom is still stressing me out and she is even here anymore. During her visit she made some passing reference to Celine Dion and leaving an article for me to read. I didn't really pay much attention because my then I was trying to ignore most of what she said and while I think Celine Dion is fine, it's not like I'm her biggest fan or anything. My mom is the type to clip articles for other people, but usually it is if she thinks it is really relevant. Like when she brought me our local paper's description of my high school marching band in the Macy's parade after Thanksgiving.

But last night I was tidying up our guest room and noticed she left a People magazine. Guess what was on the cover? Celine Dion saying she will do as many IVFs as it takes to get a second child. As someone who is watching the Giuliana and Bill show, I shouldn't be complaining about how the media is portraying celebrities and IF, but this really bugged me. They never described why she needs to use IVF (other than the fact that she is in her 40s now) and made it seem like people who do IVF are obsessive and desperate. Celine said she will do anything it takes to get pregnant, but is not going to do IVF 17 times! As if there are other people on their 16th, 17th IVF cycle?

Hard weekend

This was a particularly hard weekend for me. My mom and grandmother were in town to visit. The first night of their visit, my mom randomly starts telling the birth stories of my nieces and nephews. It didn't make any sense since my sister wasn't there to participate. My mom just wanted to brag about how she was able to make it to the births of all her grandchildren. I couldn't take it and got up to do the dishes during this conversation (usually my least favorite chore-so you know I just wanted to escape).

The next day we were in a larger group and the men sat down to watch TV and the women were in the other room. And then the conversation turned to baby food. I'm not sure how it happened, but it did. Every other woman around the table shared what they fed their baby and how much or little they relied on actual baby food. This was a conversation I could not participate in. I feel like there are so many conversations that I am completely left out of. Unfortunately I was seated in the far corner and couldn't escape. I went back to my old habit of emotional eating and finished off the rest of the cookies while they compared motherhood notes.

The third day I started in a bad mood. Going to church and out to breakfast with DH helped improve my mood, but it quickly turned sour again while trying to cook with mom. The day got progressively worse until dinner when we all sat around the table and started talking about who each of my nieces and nephews look like. Again, I don't remember how we got on this topic. But we had to compare noses and face shapes and mouths. I wanted to be somewhere else.

See, it's moments like these where I never know if telling my mom about our IF was the right thing to do or not. She is oblivious to how painful this is for me. Or at least when she thinks about our IF she might acknowledge is it painful for us, but in the 90% of the rest of the time, she is oblivious. This conversation also got me wondering how my mom would deal with an adopted grandchild if we get to that road. Now that we have a failed IUI behind us, I am thinking of that road more and more. I can see us doing that. I can also see my ILs being happy with adoption. I can't see my mom making this adjustment. She has a lot of faith in instantaneous and biological connections. She had to be present at each birth. She relishes "seeing" herself or her kids in her grandkids.

My older sister has 4 kids. The three older kids love anyone they are around and my mom has a strong bond with them. I really do think that is valuable. I myself have a deep bond with my grandmother. But my mom has had trouble bonding with the youngest nephew. I'm not sure why, but he just has a personality that requires you to work harder at establishing that bond. And my mom has not put in that effort. She wants it to be effortless. Expects it to be effortless, because she is, after all, his grandmother. She shouldn't have to work at it. So I have trouble seeing my mom want to put in that effort for an adopted grandchild. Well, not that she wouldn't want to put in the effort, but she wouldn't expect to need to and so wouldn't do it. She would expect the bond to be natural, not something that requires effort.

Cycle over

Sorry for keeping you all in suspense this weekend. But I've been really busy with teaching. AF came on Friday, officially bringing an end to my first IUI cycle. We are thinking about our next steps now. I think it will involve a lap to get more answers on what is going on with my left tube.

In happier news, Go Saints!

Award

An award! Just what I needed today to forget about my impending AF and get ready for my busy day and weekend. DH is getting confirmed tonight in our church and I am teaching all this weekend, so I won't have much time to blog.

Anxious Mummy is so sweet to give me the Beautiful Blogger award. And a little funny to get it today since I'm messing with how things look around here. But I think it is me, and not just the blog layout, that is getting the award, so I'll take it.



The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:* Thank the person who nominated you for this award.* Copy the award and place it in your blog.* Link the person who nominated you for this award.* Tell us 7 interesting things about you.* Nominate 7 bloggers.* Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

My 7 interesting things:
1. I have a Ph.D. I might have told some of you a while ago. So the class I am teaching this weekend is a graduate class for working professionals. Which means they probably know more about what I'm teaching than I do.
2. I used to be obsessed with New Kids on the Block. Seriously obsessed. I even put posters on the back wall of my closet b/c everywhere else in my room was covered.
3. I am getting new furniture today! Very excited that my new dresser will finally arrive. I love Pott.ery B.arn.
4. I make my own cards. I like doing crafty things like that.
5. I am published (and not just on this blog). Kinda goes along with having the Ph.D. But I suspect more people have read what I wrote on this blog than what was published in an academic journal.
6. I always thought if my academic career didn't work out, I would open a store called "My Favorite Things" and it would feature cupcakes, coffee, and crochet. I saw a hair dresser/yarn store combo once and figure my ideas are a better mesh than that. It could work.
7. I am involved in local politics. I find it quite amusing how I can meet someone once and the next time I see them, they act like we are best friends.

Seven Bloggers:
1. Tireegal
2. Hillary
3. Secret D
4. Leslie
5. Such a Good Egg
6. Ruth
7. A

Losing hope

My BBT temp dropped today, which puts this cycle right in line with two of my previous clomid and timed intercourse cycles that, obviously, were not successful. So I am quickly losing hope that this worked. I don't know what to think. This for me is the worst part of the wait. You've lost hope but can't move on. I can't quite say I'm disappointed, although I am. Or I should be. I don't really feel much of anything now, just that it's probably over and I don't want to wait a few days for AF to finally show.

12 dpiui

My progesterone came back at 29.1, which is fantastic since the average is more like 15. So I must have had a good little eggie there. Just the news I wanted to hear the day I had to watch a CNN report on women losing their eggs at age 30. (It was at the gym with nothing else to look at and no way to change the channel).

I go in for a beta on Monday, although by then I should think I know the results either way.